Relationship and family issues

Coping with relationship in retirement

replies: 4

Hi. I hope there are some retired people out there who can relate to this. I am in my early sixties and retired from a busy and stressful federal government job about 2 years ago. I have been unable to find part-time work in my field of expertise (wh... View more

Hi. I hope there are some retired people out there who can relate to this. I am in my early sixties and retired from a busy and stressful federal government job about 2 years ago. I have been unable to find part-time work in my field of expertise (which would be the ideal scenario for me). My partner of 20 years is still working, from home. I am pretty bored, filling in my time with finishing a major house renovation, walking our dogs, art classes, minding step-grandchildren etc. I am finding the strain of being around my partner for so many hours per week is taking a heavy toll on my feelings for him, and my lack of a meaningful role does not help. I find him so irritating, negative and critical. When I talk about my unhappiness his response is to turn it around and criticise me even more. We have six adult children between us and he has four small grandchildren. When his children want a baby-sitter we oblige but of course he disappears to his study to work and I am left holding the baby (literally lol). I am very fond of them but would like to enjoy them together. I feel like we are living like brother and sister and there is no love and affection. I find myself wondering more and more often what it might be like if I just left him. The thought of setting up my own place is very enticing - not having to compromise over every tiny thing - yay ! I also hate the constant arguments and his knee-jerk reactions to everything. Engaging conversation between us has also become non-existent. I think perhaps we are just very bored with each other. Well, me anyway. I just bury myself in solo pursuits as much as I can. I think he would be appalled that I am thinking of leaving but I could be wrong. He is awful to his ex-wife and I imagine he will be awful to me too and try to prevent me having an ongoing relationship with his kids and grandchildren. It won’t be pretty.

Devastated. My husband has cheated with a prostitute

replies: 6

Hi All. I have been married for only 6 months and I thought we had the perfect relationship. A week ago ago my life was torn apart. My husband has bipolar and has been successfully managing it through medication for the last 5 years. Last Monday, he ... View more

Hi All. I have been married for only 6 months and I thought we had the perfect relationship. A week ago ago my life was torn apart. My husband has bipolar and has been successfully managing it through medication for the last 5 years. Last Monday, he text me at work to say he was going to visit his Dad and have a few drinks and will stay the night. I was more than happy with this and didn’t have any reasons to suspect anything. The following evening I noticed on our Uber account that he used Uber twice the previous evening. I asked him why and where did he go and I heard the reply that has devastated me. He openly and painfully said he went out and paid for sex. I was completely blind sighted and truly did not expect this. I went into a rage and the rest of the evening was a blur. The following day he was in tears saying how sorry he was and said he was drunk and doesn’t know why and swears this was the first time. He also did admit he has been watching lots of porn when I’m not at home and Doesn’t know why. I am completely broken and don’t know what to do. He is so sorry and believe he is, but I don’t know if I can move on from this. He was so honest with me and told me everything. I am not sure if I want to know and maybe he should of not told me. Omg. I can’t believe I think this! I have noticed the last few months his moods have changed and he is drinking more and seems agitated at the smallest things. I know he has bipolar but I don’t know what to do. I dont want to give up on us but I am so hurt and don’t understand why he would do this when we are/were so happy. Do I stay and give him another chance or am I setting myself up for more heartache later? All I keep thinking about is what did I do wrong? Why is wrong with me? I can’t eat. I can’t sleep. I feel very unloved and worthless. I would apprecite any advice.

Lonely

replies: 7

My husband & I have chosen not to have kids. We are both the only child & a family member said to us that we will end up alone. This comment has affected me deeply and has made me really sad & depressed to the point where I don’t know what to think a... View more

My husband & I have chosen not to have kids. We are both the only child & a family member said to us that we will end up alone. This comment has affected me deeply and has made me really sad & depressed to the point where I don’t know what to think anymore. Is this what people will really think of us? My thoughts are really affecting me to the point where I can’t concentrate at work. I don’t know what to do?

24yrs together - now I’m on my own - how do I live without her ?

replies: 2

I have been with my female partner since we were both 22yrs old. We r now 45yrs old. Been together for 24yrs & not long separated on mutual terms (so I thought). 2wks after I move out to live apart but still b a close family unit with our 2 beautiful... View more

I have been with my female partner since we were both 22yrs old. We r now 45yrs old. Been together for 24yrs & not long separated on mutual terms (so I thought). 2wks after I move out to live apart but still b a close family unit with our 2 beautiful girls aged 9 & 11yrs. I go to the family home & my instincts tell me something is different! Alarm bells r ringing. Yes she has a new girlfriend! After 2wks ! Im so devastated - this female is 22yrs old & works with my partner ! Now I’m dead inside - I cannot even look at her - go to our family home as I do t want confrontation or see anything like the other girlfriends car etc ! My ex-partner says we were over many years ago & I agree yes but it is so soon for me but not for her. She says it did not happen over night so they must have had feelings when I was still living there ! I have to accept I have been replaced already. I’m grieving so much I could not eat - I cry all the time - I’m lost how to live on my own. I want all of us to b happy & move on - like she has but I just cannot as I wanted the white picked fence line everyone does ! We have a 26yr old dog that I cannot see cause I cannot go to the house ! The new female is 22yrs old - I think it’s not right as she could b our daughter at that age ! She says I’m an ageist ! Thanks for listening x

Body dysmorphia and a sexless relationship

replies: 1

My partner and I are both in our early 20’s and have been together for over a year. We didn’t have sex for the first 5 months of our relationship, as my partner was a virgin at the time. After that first time, our sex life was fairly infrequent, but ... View more

My partner and I are both in our early 20’s and have been together for over a year. We didn’t have sex for the first 5 months of our relationship, as my partner was a virgin at the time. After that first time, our sex life was fairly infrequent, but for the most part, kept me satisfied. For me, I find sex to be very important for a relationship, as it helps me feel connected, understood, and loved. My partner and I both have depression. We both had a few bad months with our depression and our sex life became even more infrequent. At the moment, it’s been almost 4 months without sex. My partner says it’s not me, and that she has a lot of shame and guilt around sex. She says it makes her uncomfortable, and that she feels dirty and disgusting. She also has low self-esteem, and I honestly think she might have body dysmorphia (which we’re trying to get her into a therapist to deal with). The problem is this: for some reason I get extremely sad when I crave sex or my attempts to be intimate are rejected. I try to hide it, but it hurts so much and I just cry and cry in despair. I know she needs time to work through her issues and I’m okay with that. But I still can’t stop the sadness. We’re at the point where we are on the verge of breaking up because she is struggling with seeing how hurt I am. In turn, she feels hurt and hates herself even more. We’re discussing whether or not we break up. We both love each other so so much but she can’t meet all my needs, and I can’t give her the space to heal without feeling guilty. I don’t want to lose her and I honestly wish I just didn’t get upset at not having sex... I don’t know what to do. Please, give me advice.

Husband always angry, blames me for everything

replies: 9

Since my baby was born (now 12 months old), my marriage changed. My husband changed. I changed too. I became a mother and my baby really my focus. My husband hated how things changed, I always made him the priority beforehand. I still put him before ... View more

Since my baby was born (now 12 months old), my marriage changed. My husband changed. I changed too. I became a mother and my baby really my focus. My husband hated how things changed, I always made him the priority beforehand. I still put him before myself but not if it impacts the baby. I am feeling resentment as I do everything for the baby. If I ask for help he either does nothing it gets angry at me for asking. He sees me struggle to care for our child, manage the house and work part time but he won’t help. If it was this alone, I could deal with it. But he also has a short fuse, blames me for things out of my control and gets angry at me a lot. He never wants to resolve issues. Even when things have calmed down he won’t discuss. It’s been going on for months. I say to him I want to fix our marriage and be happy together again and he actually says it’s 100% my fault that we are unhappy. He never apologises for the things he says or does but I am always trying to make amends and even letting things go and apologising when I’m not to blame. I’m not perfect and have issues too but I know I’m not 100% to blame. He yells at me and questions the things I do in front of the baby. I truly only try and do what’s best for her. I am being pretty vague I know but I feel like I need to get this out. I either want my old marriage back or I want to leave him. But I don’t want to leave him because I don’t want to share custody of my baby. He doesn’t care for her and he yells at her too and is neglectful. But I know if I left him he would just have his Mum care for her or he would find another woman. I also still love him but I can’t stand the man he is at the moment. He is obviously unhappy too but is not willing to work with me at all. If I try and discuss things he shuts down and gets mad at me. I am so profoundly unhappy. We tried so hard to have a family together and now I feel like it’s falling apart. Has anyone else been here? How’d you get through it?

Moving on

replies: 7

Hello. Does anyone have experience ending a long term relationship and then the feeling when the other person starts a new relationship? If so, how did you feel and, if it upset you, what worked for you in learning to accept it? While I feel better t... View more

Hello. Does anyone have experience ending a long term relationship and then the feeling when the other person starts a new relationship? If so, how did you feel and, if it upset you, what worked for you in learning to accept it? While I feel better that I know he’s found happiness and can move on, I feel sort of left behind because I haven’t yet recovered fully from our split and I haven’t had the same success in finding someone else (well, there is someone I have been seeing for 3 months but I am still not quite sure if he’s right for me). We were with each other for quite a while and I can’t picture him sharing with someone else the connection we had together. I think I am still grieving 12 months on. it’s not a jealousy thing, and I don’t want to go back to him, but it’s a sad feeling - and I’m not quite sure what it is. I’d welcome anyone’s stories and/or suggestions

Wife cheated after 20+ years! Can I go on?

replies: 6

Hi all Ive been with my wife for 20+ years (I’m 44) and just found out she has been having an affair with a much younger work colleague (25) for 6 months. We have two beautiful kids, a business and are financially okay. I’ve given everything to her a... View more

Hi all Ive been with my wife for 20+ years (I’m 44) and just found out she has been having an affair with a much younger work colleague (25) for 6 months. We have two beautiful kids, a business and are financially okay. I’ve given everything to her and she fobs the affair off like it was just sex so get over it! She’s a great mum and up until a while ago I thought she was a great wife also. I feel life my life has ended! My wife seems cold even though she says the affair is over. I look at at kids differently, I still love them to death but something isn’t right. I have once meekly attempted to take my own life. I suffer from depression and am a lot more closed off than I used to be. Maybe this is why she strayed! I cannot stop myself from thinking about the two of them together. It consumes almost every thought and a feeling of utter sadness and failure overcomes me. As a man I feel like my whole manlihood has been stripped away from me. Why wasn’t I good enough? Am I not great in bed? I have never harmed my wife physically or mentally since we’ve been together and my heart just really hurts from the betrayal and embarrassment. While I am still in the marriage, I don’t look at my wife the same and if I don’t have my family I feel like I don’t have anything? Maybe I need complete separation from them to assess my situation? I have wanted to leave on multiple occasions but don’t want to leave the kids. Can I live in a loveless marriage until the kids are adults? I feel lost and need a way forward to survive if not for anyone but my kids! Any advice would help??

Should I leave or stay?

replies: 2

Hi everyone, ive been in a relationship for 2 years now, we live together with my 2 kids 10 & 9. I was previously in an abusive marriage and was single for 5 years after my divorce. I finally met someone and we hit it off straight away and fell madly... View more

Hi everyone, ive been in a relationship for 2 years now, we live together with my 2 kids 10 & 9. I was previously in an abusive marriage and was single for 5 years after my divorce. I finally met someone and we hit it off straight away and fell madly in love. Kids love him too and I introduced him to my kids 8months after meeting. I wanted to be 100% sure before he met the kids. Shortly after meeting the kids we moved in together. this is when I began to notice a certain behaviour. If we ever had a small disagreement or even if I would say anything that he didn’t like he would start shouting at me and became very verbally abusive. This was shocking to me and very scary and hurtful. Rather then apologise he would give me the silent treating for days and finally after days would try to apologise. This has now gone on for 18months. He has also yelled at my kids, yelled at me in front of my kids and called my horrible names. I’ve given it so many chances but I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. Every time I say I’m leaving he convinced me to stay. I feel like I tread on eggshells everyday because if I say the wrong thing I know he will snap and the same thing will happen. I don’t want to raise my boys in this environment. he extremely rude at times and very condescending. We have been to councelling but stopped when he thought we were back on track and no longer needed therapy. I feel so controlled and stressed everyday. I want out but I’m stressed about the pressure of having to pack and move out. I just need some honest advise. thanks Tulips

Depressed husband - am I being selfish? I don't know what's normal anymore.

replies: 3

My husband and I met a decade ago. When we met, he was going through a very rough time. Life has been extremely hard on him. But we fell in love and, as it usually goes, everything was great. We spent our first 2 years together making grand plans for... View more

My husband and I met a decade ago. When we met, he was going through a very rough time. Life has been extremely hard on him. But we fell in love and, as it usually goes, everything was great. We spent our first 2 years together making grand plans for our future abroad - we were both going to work hard, save up - travel the world, experience the things we always wanted. It was us against the world. Pretty much as soon as we migrated, he changed. We moved closer to his family, and I thought maybe that just triggered old patterns for him. Before I could really assess whether that was part of the problem or not, he was diagnosed with cancer. Under the conviction that he was going to die, he gave up on life entirely... except he miraculously got better. But he has had suicidal thoughts since (he had had them before we met, as well, but they were brought back by the cancer). He has debilitating depression. He can't work. He barely leaves the house. I work extremely hard to pay our bills - then I come home and do all the household work. We barely get by financially. He has tried treatment, but his depression appears to be treatment resistant. Therapy did nothing for him. He tried 4 different medications over the course of years - none of them did anything. He's stuck. I am stuck. I am not happy with our life, I won't lie. I am embarrassed that I "do everything" (I hate saying it, but it's true) - he hates it, too, but we love each other and it keeps us going. I think we've grown into a pattern where our prime directive is just not hurting each other. I know if I leave him, he will fully give up on life (he doesn't say it, but it's so obvious). He knows that if he leaves me and gives up, he will break my heart. It doesn't help he's not a "talker". He hates talking about feelings and thoughts. I end up feeling alone. I guess that's a long way of saying we have grown dysfunctional and accepting/aware of it. Couples counselling wouldn't work because he struggles so much to talk and is the kind of person to talk around therapists to avoid the hard conversations. I'm getting to a point where I'm ready to start putting up boundaries. I'm in my 30s and I don't want to end up wasting my 'prime years' making myself smaller (which I noticed I have been doing, forgetting my dreams to fit our reality)... at the same time, he cannot help his condition and I don't want to punish him for his misfortune because I do love him. I want him to get better...but I also want to live.

Pinned discussions

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

replies: 0

All discussions

Coping with relationship in retirement

replies: 4

Devastated. My husband has cheated with a prostitute

replies: 6

Lonely

replies: 7

24yrs together - now I’m on my own - how do I live without her ?

replies: 2

Body dysmorphia and a sexless relationship

replies: 1

Husband always angry, blames me for everything

replies: 9

Moving on

replies: 7

Wife cheated after 20+ years! Can I go on?

replies: 6

Should I leave or stay?

replies: 2

Depressed husband - am I being selfish? I don't know what's normal anymore.

replies: 3

Relationship and family issues

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about replies: 0

Coping with relationship in retirement replies: 4

Devastated. My husband has cheated with a prostitute replies: 6

Lonely replies: 7

24yrs together - now I’m on my own - how do I live without her ? replies: 2

Body dysmorphia and a sexless relationship replies: 1

Husband always angry, blames me for everything replies: 9

Moving on replies: 7

Wife cheated after 20+ years! Can I go on? replies: 6

Should I leave or stay? replies: 2

Depressed husband - am I being selfish? I don't know what's normal anymore. replies: 3

Hey there - read this to see what this section is all about

replies: 0

Coping with relationship in retirement

replies: 4

Devastated. My husband has cheated with a prostitute

replies: 6

Lonely

replies: 7

24yrs together - now I’m on my own - how do I live without her ?

replies: 2

Body dysmorphia and a sexless relationship

replies: 1

Husband always angry, blames me for everything

replies: 9

Moving on

replies: 7

Wife cheated after 20+ years! Can I go on?

replies: 6

Should I leave or stay?

replies: 2

Depressed husband - am I being selfish? I don't know what's normal anymore.

replies: 3