Husband left me for an infatuation

[Shirlz]

My 62 yo husband claims he has fallen in love with a 25 yo who he has had no intimate contact with and has only known for a few weeks/ months. Throughout our 20 year together we have never fought or argued. He claims he still loves me but not in that way. I am devastated, cannot eat or sleep, I just want him back. I have given him some time to work himself out and am willing to give him a chance if he decides this was just an infatuation.

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Shirley,

I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. It must be such a blow to be told that he doesn't love you in that way anymore.

In my experience, lust does not last. It's a short-term rush that can fizzle out quite quickly. I do hope for your sake that he comes to realise that, and you can both get back on track.

Having said that, I also know that once the trust has been broken, it is very difficult to get back.

Whatever his reasons may be for seeking that kind of attention from someone else, what I suggest you do right now for yourself is perhaps new boundaries around communication between you, and what you will and won't accept.

I don't know if that helps or not. I'm certainly no relationship expert. Just someone else who has also been betrayed.

Please remember that we are here for you and with you.

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. Xo

[Deja_Vu]

As much as lust is nice and all. Love is what really matters and i hope he realises that 🙂

[Croix]

Dear Shirlz
I’m not sure everyone believes in a mid-life crisis, but the fact remains 62 is a time when retirement is approaching for many, a time what the aspirations at 20 may not ever be met, where the body -from digestion to intimacy – may be frustrating. I’m sure there are many more aspects you have already thought of.

Then too there are sometimes stresses, big ones. If retirement is coming maybe that means loss of identity, financial problems, isolation, being cooped up at home … and so on.

Fantasy is an escape, and can be a convincing one for a while. Interest from a young attractive person can grow in the mind into a full-on permanent relationship. The fact he may not know the person that well could foster this idea.

If this younger person knew of his feelings, I wonder how she would react, maybe she would see it as his infatuation.

I’m very sorry this is happening to you, at the very least it shows he is not providing you the love, care and support you need and should be able to expect after so long together.

May I ask what support you do have right now? Do you have a parent or sibling, or maybe a friend you can talk frankly with and get another's views and care. Trying to deal with all this in isolation makes it harder and the worries grow even larger.

I know you have said you will give him time and give him a chance if HE decides it is an infatuation. You may want to think about if SHE decides it is inappropriate. No matter what he has done you a great deal of harm and getting things back as they were would be no easy matter

Please feel you can talk here anytime, we do feel for you

Croix.

[Shirlz]

Thanks for your reply. I have a few friends that I have confided in. and my children know, but I don’t want to burden the kids yet.

now the long weekend is over I will be seeking professional help. Yesterday he told me that she is now interested and he needs to give it a try all the while saying I am his best friend.

Still cant eat, sleep or go to work even though I tried yesterday but only lasted an hour.

i know I will heal but the pain at the moment is just so much

[Shirlz]

Yesterday we decided on a 1 week no contact, not sure how I’ll be. Still can’t eat sleep or go to work. Devastated

[Soberlicious96]

"She is now interested so he 'needs' to give it a try" ....... no wonder you are devastated.

I wish I knew what to say. I think, and have come to learn that there is a big difference between want and need, and that many, many people get the two confused. I don't think he 'needs' to give it a try at all, but has chosen to do that, without consideration or care for the promise he made when he married you.

Just take each day, each hour as they come, and do what's right for you. Make sure you at least take some care of yourself, by eating at least once a day, showering every day, and if you can, get yourself out in the sunshine for a walk around the block. I know that is much easier said than done, but a walk will help to slow/halt the progression of a spiral down. The best revenge is to live well ...... and when I left my husband/my husband kicked me out, I lost 20 kilograms! If I could show you my 'before and after' brag photo, I would!

My ex husband announced to me, just a few weeks after I had moved out, that he had a new love in his life and that he had 'never felt this way before about anyone'. I cried and cried for days, and then thought 'stuff you, I'm getting my sexy back!!' And I did. I started walking, further and further, I changed my eating habits, and weight started dropping off, slowly but surely. And then one day, about 18 months after we had separated, one of our mutual friends came into my work and said to me "Mel, I just gotta say that you are looking FABULOUS! And that your ex husband has, in my opinion, downgraded!" And I gotta say, that while it may have been a detrimental comment regarding his new love, it made me feel like a million bucks!

He has gone on to marry that woman. But I have kept the weight off, and in fact am still slowly losing more. I have 5 Kilos to go before I'm at the weight I want to remain at.

I'm happy that he's happy, and feel no malice toward him any more. But that's not to say it was easy. It wasn't. And I would not want to go through that ever again.

But am I happy, you ask? My oath I am! I am, in fact, the best I've ever been. Ever! My weight is good, my mental and emotional health are great. I have a new man in my life who is wonderful and amazing, and job that I love.

I hope and pray that you too will find your miracle turn-around, whatever that may be. Take care. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. xo

[Croix]

Dear Shirlz~

I'm very glad Soberlicious96 was able to say how she recovered so successfully from a separation, it does give a little hope.

There was one thing I wanted to mention to you.

Your husband said "he needs to give it a try" which is a bit of an interesting way of putting it. To me it sounds like if the "try" does not work he assumes he can return to the current situation with you -of course -taking him back.

He may think he might have to eat some humble pie or act in some other way to re-gain your favor, however it is almost -to me looking at his words -as if he thinks return is a given.

Irrespective of your intent in your heart, and irrespective of his return or not, may I suggest that you do not make return seem to be a given, in fact maybe not even that likely?

In the event it may make him pause, and if things do break down irretrievably then it is possible you may regard yourself with more respect for taking this stance when looking back later on.

What do you think?

The pain is indescribable, and I'm very glad you do have people to talk with and your children are aware too. I would imagine the kids will sense things are not right pretty quickly.

Other than sayng my hopes are with you all else I can say is when overwhelmed with grief I found work helped.

Croix