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Partner pushing me away due to his depression and thinking I'm cheating

Community Member

Hey there,

My partner and I have moved apart into different states and it's been a tough few months. Lately, I've noticed he's been getting depressed again and he really pushes me away, I feel like I can't say anything right. He has told me it's because he can't find a job/ is lonely in his country town/ needs his learners hours up and money, and it's always been a tough thing for us to get through. Recently he called me and we both got emotional and clashed a little ( we never have really fought in the 2 years of being together) and afterwards I decided to message him on the lines of " I know nothing I'm saying seems right at the moment but I'm always here and will support you no matter what, talk when you're ready" etc.
After a while I was concerned about him and messaged both his older sister in the town and his best guy friend, just to see if they could check up on him and stuff and remind him it'll be okay. And his friend bluntly shared that my partner thought I may be cheating on him with my best guy friend, I was shocked. It was someone he doesn't trust but I would never ever do that to him. His friend also said he didn't want to seem like a jerk but I should be feeling horrible... it made it seem like we were going to break up. I'm so confused about this whole situation. I don't know how I will drift away from my friend and also I don't understand why he would ever think that way about me. He's never done it before to my knowledge. I want him to trust me and I'd like to know some ways I could be supportive of him during this painful time for him even when he pushes me away. It really does clash with my anxiety too.

1 Reply 1

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Need.help20~

It is a worrying situation all round, before I say anything else may I ask why the two of you are living apart? Is it absolutely necessary?

Trust is tricky, it can be broken obviously by doing something wrong, which is not the case here, or by circumstances - such as rumor - or simply by the mental state of the person who has lost faith, and that is hard to repair.

Do you know if your partner has been diagnosed and is seeing a doctor? It sounds very much as if he should be encouraged to do so.

From the sound of it you are a very caring and sensible person, contacting his sister and friend would have been exactly the right thing to do, and now at least you know part of the trouble.

In any good long term relationship both people have to be able to talk to each other, and I'd suggest you talk with your partner and bring up this problem, not only assure him it is untrue, but also try to find what placed the idea in his mind.

Would it be possible to do that in person? It would have more impact if you could.

If he has depression or some other mental health condition it may well be his own self-esteem is very low which in turn can lead to the idea that nobody would find him worth staying with. I can't judge for your partner but I've felt like that.

I've no real advice on what you should do about your guy-friend. In a secure relationship one partner is happy for the other to have their own friends, it is a healthy thing. Here were trust is to say the least fragile having a guy-friend is a problem. What do you think might be best?