Absurd Situation

[Absurd_Situation]

So... I'm not sure what I'm expecting to find here, help hopefully, but I'm a little bit dubious, maybe I just want someone to hear my story. It's all really long and complicated, I think, maybe everyone goes through absurd situations like this... The crux of it all is that I just got married about 4 months ago, it was literally the happiest day of my life, I'm generally not one for putting too much significance on the actual wedding day but everything just went perfectly and it was an unbelievable day (which is saying a lot because fun and happiness is generally my main focus in my life)

About a month ago I found out that my wife started an affair 4 weeks before we got married. He dumped her after our wedding because he found out she was married. She then started another relationship which turned abusive against her (nothing too bad, just enough to scare her). During this period of her second affair, she turned to the guy from her first affair for support.

Prior to our wedding (about 4 months ago) we had been together about 9 years and I do truly believe she had been faithful for all those years. She had moved away for work during this period, the plan was to live separately for about 12 months (but see each other on average once a month for a long weekend or something). We had been apart maybe 2 weeks prior to this all starting.

As I said, I'm not sure what I'm looking for, support maybe.

[JessF]

Hello Absurd Situation, welcome here and I hope we can make you feel a bit less dubious about posting.

You sound to me like you're in a bit of shock over this whole thing. You're describing a situation where you have just found out your wife has been having multiple affairs in the lead-up to your wedding, and perhaps you're unsure as to how you're supposed to feel at the moment. If it were me, I would be feeling like the rug had been pulled from under me too. How are you feeling about the whole situation?

[Absurd_Situation]

Yeah mate, the rug is a good metaphor. Honestly there's been a range of emotions, but mostly sad. It feel like i've lost the marriage I thought I had, but then as I think longer I think about how I never really had it. It's like if you're playing a game of sport and you win but later you find the other person let you win. The win felt good but it was never what you thought it was...

[JessF]

I'm so sorry. Having to re-evaluate 9 years of your life with someone like this must be very painful. Where are things at with your wife at the moment? It's been a month since you found all this out, where have things settled?

[Absurd_Situation]

They're not settled. We're living separately at the moment, not due to this, was originally as a good thing for both of us for our careers but the distance is making progress hard. We've seen each other a couple of times since she told me, and talk on the phone a fair bit. It's just hard. She want's to work things out but seems reluctant to put in any actual work. She wants to sit back on her assertion that she won't do it again and seems reluctant to help me with how i'm feeling (she talks about how words won't help much but her actions, ie. not doing it again will). I feel that if we are to stay together this is something we need to work through together but her seeming lack of remorse is making things harder.

[JessF]

I'm sure this has been suggested to you already, but if there's a genuine desire to work things through, and there are many things to work through here, then seeing a relationship counsellor is probably a good idea. If you're both committed to working through this, then a weekly appointment where you turn up to do it with an outside professional is at least an objective indication of whether you are both willing to make some progress.

It sounds like you have some very understandable anger and frustration that needs to be expressed, and you're not having your feelings acknowledged by your wife at the moment. Of course actions are important to move forward, but showing an understanding of how the other person feels when you have hurt them is an essential part of moving forward too, in my opinion. What would you like to happen next at this point?

[Absurd_Situation]

I don't know really at this stage... I feels like my emotions and wants and thoughts change every hour or minute, or every time we talk...

[JessF]

That makes a lot of sense. Perhaps some space is what you need right now, to try and make sense of what you do want. Have you got friends and family around at the moment to support you?

[Absurd_Situation]

Yeah... been talking to a couple of friends, and seeing a phych. told my family a little, just that we're having troubles, I feel like I don't want to tell too many people because if we do work it out I don't want that knowledge hanging in the air between us and friends/family.

[JessF]

Oh that's good news that you're seeing someone, at least then you can vent about the details without needing to 'hang out the laundry' with the family and friends if it's not going to be helpful at the moment. If you're trying to work out what you're feeling, it's not always helpful for well-meaning loved ones to be giving you their two cents. What are you worried they might say if they knew the full story?