Absolutely heartbroken

[Oigles76]

Hi there,

I just split up with my partner of 3 years suddenly 3 weeks ago, and the pain of losing her isnt going away - I cant sleep or eat properly, and I cant stop thinking of her all the time. What am I do?? I am 40 next month and have an autism spectrum disorder, which has profoundly affected my ability to have relationships in the past, my previous longest relationship was six months, I "let myself go" this time and loved this person like i've never loved before, I truly thought this person was "the one", a person who understood me and loved me for who I was, and that I could finally maybe get married to her one day.

The break up was really sudden, she said she loved me up until the day before but then she had a meltdown on the night, storming out of my house and calling me half an hour later to say it was over without sitting down and explaining why first. She also has mental health issues stemming from a previous abusive realtionship, on the night she said she had "suicidal fantasies" which really upset and hurt me also.

I've tried not to contact her but I facebook messaged one of her friends the other day to see how she was, partly out of heartbreak and partly out of concern as she had mentioned these thoughts on the night we broke up. She found out and emailed me and said that she thinks that the end of the relationship was for the best, and she's going to start dating online again soon, but she still wants to see me as a friend, and that her children are coping better than expected because they know they'll see me again if we stay friends - I felt this was a really confusing message?

She also said she wants to meet for a walk some time soon as the kids want to see me, I have come across websites that recommend 30 days of no contact, so I am going to attempt to do that and see how I feel before meeting her - does anyone have any advice?? My heart loves her so much, and wants to meet as friends a couple of times to see if we can reconnect with a sense of fun and then maybe try and rekindle the relationship if we work through our issues, but I guess if I do this I have to be prepared for it not to work and things to go sour - although im going to try and use this 30 no contact period to re wire my feelings away from this almost "unconditional" love . I just felt this person was one of a kind, and the risk is worth it if we could work through the issues and reunite. Any thoughts are appreciated.

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

You sound so thoughtful and caring, and your partner was lucky to have you. Unfortunately, she is very confused and conflicted right now. This "meltdown" sounds pretty frightening for her, and you also. Having suicidal thoughts is a serious indication of psychological distress, and it's important she sees her doctor (GP) as soon as possible.

The fact that your partner has children who have a positive relationship with you means that you are emotionally connected to her family. Your absolute love for your partner is beautiful, and three years together is significant. I think you're doing the best you can in the situation. You are trying to keep some distance for the sake of you both post-breakup, and you are also thinking rationally about where you can go from here.

Because your partner has emotional trauma from a previous relationship, she will need to address the fears and insecurities this has created. When she sees her doctor, getting a referral to a psychologist or counsellor would be a good option. Next time you see her, ask casually if she's receiving help for her mental health.

Try to spend time with your family and close friends, so that you can have social support. If you feel you need to talk to someone about your thoughts and concerns, you can call the 24/7 beyondblue helpline on 1300 22 4636. Just talking to someone who is knowledgable and non-judgemental can be really helpful.

It would be great to hear back from you!

Best wishes,

SM

[Oigles76]

Thank you SM, yes I'm trying to go with my gut feeling and make the best of what I can of this situation - perhaps I can post some updates as I go through this 30 day period.

Thank you so much for your help 🙂

[Zeal]

Hello again 🙂

You are most welcome! If updates help you, definitely keep us posted 🙂

All the best,

SM