Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

[Camellias]

Hoping I can receive some advice, thoughts or positive words.

ive been in a relationship for over a year. The person I am seeing often needs time alone, time alone with her children and also time alone with friends.

She often tells me she ‘wants to miss me’. When i first heard this, it actually hurt. I couldnt understand why she needed so much distance. Why doesnt she want to be with me more, what is wrong with me etc etc.

why does not seeng me for days, make everything better for her between us? Im trying to understand why my absence makes her happier. Why does she need to be apart from me to realise how much she loves me. Am I that repulsive...or that difficult to be around, I just wish I understood.

This lovely lady does not want to get married, is happy dating and taking each day as it comes. Id marry her in a heartbeat if I could. I want to sleep beside her each night for the rest of my life, she wants to have some nights/mornings alone. And always feel guilty for wanting this.

I feel that our future is very much damaged by her past(prev bad marriage) and because of that my opportunities with her are very limited and restricted.

i feel so lonely without her, but I do not say anything as I sense its pressure she does not want. I miss her a lot when we are not together. But she doesnt seem to miss me or tell me so. She just is super happy to see me in small dosages.

please understand I do not write these words in spite, negativity or anger. I simply long to understand and perhaps many kind folks on here will get it and share with me what I fail to see here.

How can she love me, when she barely wants to see me? How can I stay important to her, without placing pressure of calls, texts to her etc?

Also struggle with how her phone is virtually her lifeline. Even in the time we are together she is mind deep in messages. I feel very bad when her friends call etc as she doesnt call them back because she is with me, she requires privacy always with her friends. As it pings, makes noises etc she will always say “ its just John “ ((whoever it is at the time) How can I make her feel as though thats Ok and also still feel acknowledged? She often tells me I seem sad when her friends are messaging her or calling her.

thank you for listening to me, i truly hope i have made some sense or someone will relate well to help me through this.🌸

[Labs4life]

Thank you Camellias

yes I love the water and yes both my labs love the water.

They are on their way now.

All I want him to say is I need a bit of space but I’ll come back. But I know deep down he won’t.

Take care

[CC737]

Going through exactly the same thing. I have a bf with bipolar. Every 3-4months he unexpectedly breaks up with me, there’s always a trigger etc. after a while he comes back but I’m in that helpless phase, where he won’t even see me to break up properly. And because he has done this so many times over the 2.5years we’ve been together, I don’t know if it’s real or not? Should I just give him space or continue to msg him and ask him to see me. It’s been 2 weeks now.

[Camellias]

Hi CC737,

Its nice to meet you. I think it’s brave if you to come on here and share your struggles.

Reading what you have expressed, I do relate.

Im in that helpless stage too, trying to stop myself from messaging her, begging to see her, not read between the lines of very cryptic messages or pictures.

I get pushed away like this and left in the dark often.

2.5years is a long time to endure what you are experiencing. Do you have any friends to support you or family?

even 2 weeks of this silence your having to go through must be very difficult.

Do you have a GP, counsellor to help you with things like understanding bipolar, relationships etc? I understand this isn’t for everyone but some people on this website seem to have had good help.

I’m ofcourse no expert, here so am and it’s been half a day now and I’ve had to resist messaging her, I have thousands of questions for her, yet I’m guessing she has none. I can’t force her to communicate with me, I can’t push her to love me.

I have only experienced this for over a year, how have you coped with dealing with similar for 2.5yrs or more?

Ive been sitting down by the lake wondering the same things, do I message her, do I give her more space, do so even ask how she is today...she isn’t doing that for me.

What do you want to do that is in your best interests?

Do you have any hobbies to help you through these isolated times?

kind thoughts

🌺

[white knight]

As you both can see, the best help I can give you both is from my own life experiences.

In 1996 following 11 years of emotional abuse the worst of which was silence used as a weapon (up to 6 weeks at a time, not one word) my kids were 4 and 7yo, I attempted to take my life.

Since then I've realized mental illness is in my family and can see there is a medical reason for such deep depression.

One week later I left the family home. The hardest act in my life was kissing my daughters foreheads before I walked out the door. What saved me?

Well, I recall saying to myself as I stopped my attempt - "better to be a part time dad than no dad at all". I lost my full time parenthood but kept my sanity.

I left and lived in a 11ft caravan in a caravan park for 3 months in tears until I passed a real estate agents board. A block of land was going to auction. I had difficulty raising the money for a deposit but was successful. I spent every spare moment clearing the land and building my new home. I realized- I don't have time to grieve for my losses.

Fast forward 20 years and I'd told my daughter about my attempt to end my life. A week later I'd walk her down the aisle at her wedding. I thought "who would have done this task had I succeeded? Just then she turned to me and said "I'm so glad you are here dad".

Yes, I've had my fair share of trauma but the underlying reason I've endured it all- rebounding with positive thinking. Allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to be sad but then- rebound and fight for what makes you happy. Some of it will take time, radical changes and determination.

As for grief- to lose the step children, to lose the hope of growing old together or the furniture...well that's life, it isn't easy and never was meant to be easy. Our journey through life includes trauma, grief and loss until, through determination, we succeed.

We also make our own luck. My first home was built from being in the RAAF where I obtained a home loan. People say "you were lucky". Yes, through my own commitment to our country. Same with finding my true love, someone that returns respect and appreciation...I made my own luck from rejecting the women that were not ideal. I own the fact I was partially to blame for such selection.

Life can be wonderful. Fight to find that wonder.

Google

Beyondblue topic he helped me for 25 years- Maharaji

Perspective- we haven't lived until we've seen a flower bloom from start to finish nor a sunset

tonyWK

[Labs4life]

Hi TonyWK

thank you for your reply and giving me an insight of your experience.

I hope one day I can be happy and maybe I found someone who will love me. But at the moment it’s not in anytime future

my priority is taking care of my kids and myself (finally).

Try and be friends with him to make it easier on the kids that’s what he wants. And when I hear friends I don’t think we can be. But I will let him in to be a dad do his kids as he hasn’t been.

He wants to come over most nights after he finishes work to do their homework and see them. Which I replied why couldn’t you do that while living here.

But like you have said you can’t force someone to love you back.

ive had a bad day but with talking to everybody here has helped and reaching out to 2 friends that are there for me. I feel like I am not a bad person and I do have people who care but it’s not the same as a lover loving you back.

I know deep down I have the strength. I have thought about taking my life before and it scared me. But I couldn’t do it and I felt like that today and I told a friend and she said to call beyond blue so I did and she helped so much. So now I know I’ve got them if it gets too much.

I’m going to finish my course start my new career and be happy by myself and be the best mum I can be for my kids.

And I have showed them it’s ok to be upset. (My parents did not help me with any of the mental health and how to deal with things the right way) so I am so determined to teach and support my kids how to look after their mental health as well.

[Camellias]

Dear TonyWK

Again, your life experiences seem to resonate with me. I wish I had a friend or father as supportive as yourself.

Thank you for taking the time to write, here again.

The silence, it hurts so much. How on earth did you cope with up to 6 weeks at a time silence?), I’m finding it hard, she uses it as a weapon of great force. She knows I have no one and no friends. What kind of person does this to another?

How do you cope with your mental illness today? I am so grateful that you are still in this life, I know you can see this wonder now.... I just can’t grasp it.

I’m so tired of trauma grief and loss, I’m 40 something and wonder when does it get better? I thought she was the wonder. That she was my destination.

I worry I am not determined enough. That there are no radical changes for me to make.

I don’t want to feel like a failure, to feel this silence of anger or guilt she has(from no fault of my own) I can’t stop the fact that she maybe lying to her children about me to help them move on quicker or help herself feel better about her happiness without me

My love should not evoke anger, bitterness, sadness, resentment etc It should be appreciated, wanted, needed and desired. I know this much....

The silence rains then suddenly the messages come and the anger If I don’t respond fast enough the bitterness in her replies is evident nothing I say will appease her. No how am I, am I ok, how I see your day not even the basic things you’d ask a friend...just random facts and as much distance as possible placed between us.

I know I have a mental illness and I also know she does but she won’t accept she has or do anything about it. For years her friends have asked her to seek help. Instead she takes it out on her kids, me, drinks too much, and sometimes her anger turns into a cleaning frenzy. And ofcourse everything she has wanted to say comes out in fits of anger, disgust, you name it. Then she will admit she is a b....and tell me I deserve better and I should find someone else. I understand she has gone through trauma, a narc ex etc I have been there for her in every way possible. The pushing becomes shoving until the distance is up again.

Well i agree with her friends that she is unhappy, but it’s not because of me. She will continue to be unhappy until her children reach 18 and she no longer has to endure her evil ex.

Easier to dump me and seek casual fun, then commitment.

[Labs4life]

Thank you TonyWK

for sharing your experience with us

I’m going to try and stay positive for the kids

[Camellias]

Dear Labs4life

Thats the spirit. I think it’s wonderful that you have four souls dependent on you(dogs included) to keep you busy, active and positive.

You can do this. I am here for you also.

🌺

[white knight]

Thankyou.

Camellias,

Logic tells us many things of fact, that we often ignore for emotion.

Logic can tell an outsider like me that emotionally 12 months is nowhere near long enough for someones feelings of love to have cemented so deeply, that moving on for you should be somewhat easier.

Take her children. You have been a loving caring male figure but not their dad. We can be fine examples of a male in their lives but being only 12 months means to me you can only be a friend to them and friends come and go. Children learn that and are resilient. Their suffering is not your responsibility unless you cause it, like abuse.

We'd like to think a person has slotted into the round hole we have available for a loving partner however when along comes an attractive prospect we ignore their square (personality)shape and try to force the fit.

This leads me to ones "nature". You cannot change their nature, you can only both blend bits of your personalities.

So when you say why would she treat me this way or that, remember, you are dealing with her natural ways and some of that is shaped by her experiences of her ex, but not all! What if some issues between her and him were due to issues you have with her?

My first wife (we had the kids) was terribly lazy and silence was her weapon. She eventually remarried. One day I dropped the kids off and he met me at the gate. He said he had a problem with her. I said "oh yes, she wont get out of bed to go to work and she stops talking"

He said "how did you know that"? "I endured it for 11 years". Of course he only heard her side of an account of our marriage like, that I used to get upset with her and angry but people do when they cant get them out of bed to go to work!

Anyway, our nature is a big factor in why we cant figure people out.

Beyondblue Topic the frog and the scorpion

TonyWK

[Camellias]

TonyWK

Boy that was hard to swallow, to be honest it’s most likely very true but it hurts too. And I have some questions for you too please when you have the time.

Both my lady and her children would tell me I was a better dad then their own, I am more like A dad should be, They call me a certain name meaning Dad. I didn’t bring them into this world. But they have received more love devotion and father figure in their life in the past year then they have ever received. What makes a father? What amount of time is accepted as then being more then a friend? These things I wonder.

Your points are very valid, I don’t mind being their friend, and earning their trust. Coming from a very bad past it’s the least they deserve. I would have been happy to be their friend, they can rely on for life.

I’m slowly trying to understand her nature and ways, routines and needs. But has she enquires as to mine? No. Maybe she just can’t go there mentally, too exhausted to run down, I can think of many reasons. In the end it just means, she has distanced me from her, and her friends have yet again told her what she needs to hear’ she is uhhappy’.

I’ve never been one to force people to do something, I’m always open to new things and trying to work through whatever obstacles are there. She just doesnt want to talk, because that means sharing feelings, connecting.... and if she already has that with her friends she sure doesn’t need it from me.

It occurred to me that everything I say wouldn’t be kept sacred or between me/her- because everything she talks about with her friends, she tells me and says ‘ I didn’t tell you that or don’t say anything ‘ etc this worried me a lot. I am a very private person deep down. I’d often ask her if she tells her friends my private matters, she said she hasn’t and wouldn’t. But if she is telling me things about friends she has had for 3 to 20yrs, why would I be the exception.

For the longest time I felt she was just using me, to fill in the gaps between friends(when her friends get busy) for appointments to watch what children, for maybe being a witness in court... but when something breaks or gets dirty she quick assured me she doesn’t need me for anything. She doesn’t ‘need me in her life, she wants me in her life’

sure has a funny way of showing it.

thank you for the article link I will read this too.

🌺