A big concern regarding my children

[Terry73]

Hi,

Some of you may know my situation so I am not going to repeat it right here again, but there is a further issue in slight relation to that same topic, and it is in relation to my kids.

I love my kids dearly, I miss them so much, but I am also very aware of their own happiness and what is best for them above anything I might want. So my dilemma is this, should I just step out of my children's lives completely or not?

Here are some facts which make me feel that it may be in the best interest of my children that I do. Around August 2010 was last time I saw my kids, my daughter was 2.5 years old and my son was 8 months old, and due to my (ex)wife not allowing me contact with her or our children, I havent had any opportunity to be in contact with them, because of this, she hasnt even allowed any movement towards a custody order/parental agreement in regards to our children, now, nearly 8 years on, I have serious doubt if our children will remember me, and I have to come to a reality that if they have been informed of me at all by my (ex)wife and her family, then it probably wouldnt be in a good way.

The reality is our kids frame of mind, my (ex)wife, despite with-holding our children from me, still is a decent mother to the children (except sharing the parenting), and the few reports I have been able to get about them is that the children are happy and well. My concern is if I was to fight for my rights to see them, will that upset their lives? would it be better I let them live their lives in happiness or risk interrupting their lives?

The other side of the coin is when the children grow up and are able to make choices themselves, will they consider me or will they think I had abandoned them despite what I have tried to do to prevent that?

My kids health, both physical and mental, are always my number one priority and concern, so if I have to step out of their lives so they can lead as normal and happy a life as they can, then I would do so without a second though, even if it is of great pain to myself to do so.

I ask this here as I dont wish to approach it in an official manner until I am fully aware of what would be best, and what others think would be better in regards to this, as mentioning it to the courts could sway them into that direction of no contact, but then not mentioning it could affect our children's lives,

Regards

Terry

[Terry73]

Hi Paul,

Sorry its been a while, been looking into my own situation in detail, and in answer to your question, have tried it but alas, the ex wont co-operate, wont even communicate, just demands things every so often (about once every 2-3 years) and never waits for any response, instead just blocks me.

An Update on my situation, sadly its bad news, school refuses to allow me to even pass my kids some presents or even just information to both them and Ex on my new number. Now I feel like giving up, not on my kids but on just all this attempts to get a solution, seems only course of action I have left other than illegal means (which I refuse to do) is to look into hiring a private detective to get my ex's address so I can start to send legal documents to her, but right now, its a cost I cant really afford to pay out, and then there is the legal fees after that... sinking into debt is not a way to get out of this situation, I know that, so I have been avoiding it as much I can.

So right now, Im seriously thinking of just going back under my little rock, as bad as that sounds, in order to just cope with this.

Terry

[blondguy]

Hi Terry

No apologies necessary.... A reply is never expected at all. Its really good that you are here as part of the forum family and thankyou for being here with us

Can I ask if you have any support from a friend or your family at this time?

I am usually quick in responding Terry....just been crook...my apologies

I self represented in the Family Court in the early stages of just trying to have basic contact with my daughter and the first stage was my ex being asked to attend a moderation session by the court. This can be done without legal representation....Even though this is may be initially time consuming its worth the effort.

If your wife doesnt attend a mediation session...it wont benefit her in court at any later stage

I hope you are doing reasonably ok Terry

My Best

Paul

[Quercus]

Hi Terry,

I came to say a belated congratulations for your well deserved VC badge and then saw you're struggling.

You are being so kind to your wife even now when she really doesn't deserve it. I was reading on some of the father's rights websites to find out ideas to help and read something that was both sad and shocking that I thought maybe you need to hear...

If you had a court order do you know the actions of your wife could be considered parental kidnapping?

One word with such a strong impact. But the reality is that is what is happening. You haven't seen your babies for 8 years. You don't know where they are and can't contact them or give them presents or letters or even tell them you love them.

Eight years where your kids haven't been allowed to know their Dad. How could this be good for them or healthy? It's not.

I am no mother of the year by any means. But unless there was a reason for me to refuse access via the courts to keep my kids safe I would consider a relationship with their Dad an essential part of my kids wellbeing. No matter how I felt it is their right. So no I don't think your wife has been acting like a good mother.

Apart from finances is there anything making you reluctant to seek a court order? Are you worried about unsettling your children? 8 years is a long time but you're not asking for anything that will upset anyone but your wife.

You've been so kind caring for others Terry. But please take care of yourself too.

Nat

[Quercus]

PS yes I do remember the difficulty getting a court order is that you don't know her address but that is where legal advice is needed. Have you phoned The Family Relationship Advice Line1800 050 321 or looked into Legal Aid of finance is a major roadblock?

[Terry73]

Hi Paul,

Hope you are getting well again, Hit a low note in my last post... picked myself up out of that funk again, sorry it I vented it out a bit here, but it did help me reduce the impact of what had happened with that news.

there is more to come in my reply, but instead of writing it twice, read my next post to Quercus.

Terry

[Terry73]

Hi Quercus,

Yes, I did learn that its considered kidnapping of what she had done, even driven to the point of seeking out that side of things in order to get her to respond and do the right thing by the childrens best interest, but sadly the police couldnt act because there was no court order, courts couldnt grant me an order because I didnt have her address, and as you know from my posts, she refused to communicate with me, so was little chance of getting her address.

Finance is still a bit of an issue, nothing major, just have so much going on that requires my funds elsewhere (car rego for example, just one of the few bills I got coming up). Before writing on this site, I just was stuck in this loop about unknown address issue, not able to see a way out, but since being here I have had glimpses of how to get out, and has also let me clear my thoughts a bit to see some solutions.

Now for the present situation up to date. Finally I do have her address, got it last weekend (not saying how, wasnt illegal though), the person had known the address for 2-3 years now so it hurt to know that, but I didnt get this far in life by letting hiccups like that stop me from proceeding. I am seeking some legal aid advice on how to use this information effectively and legally, although I do have a good idea on what I need to do, and ultimately get some kind of order in action, I just want to make sure that its done in the best interests of the children.

I know there will be new issues coming up, but at least with an order I will know where I stand and what action I can take to make things right. It will also stop the ex's father from interfering, I am not one to start any name calling and such, but its just so true and fitting that her father is the perfect example of a narcissist. So with a court order, it would help keep him "in check".

You asked before about if there were other things that was holding me back, and there was, my ex was allowing my parents to see the kids, but if I had pushed any issue with her earlier, I felt she would retaliate by cutting my parents out from seeing our kids, its bad enough me suffering missing the kids, I wasnt going to let my parents go through the same at the same time.

Will keep you guys up to date after I seek some legal advice.

Terry

[Terry73]

Ok, was a big write up, moderators going to be at hard work with that post, not that there was anything bad, just a long page or so of typing to check... be patient!

[Terry73]

UPDATE :

After contacting Legal Aid as to how best to use this information in regards to the best interests of the children, they say that my next step is to seek mediation, something I had done in the past BUT I never got it recognized. They said that I should go organize a mediation, if she attends, we can make a parental agreement which can be turned into something more legally binding, thus fulfilling the courts requirements for divorce and basically we can both get on with our lives without having to worry about starving the kids of a relationship with both parents. If she doesnt attend or attends but we cant agree, I need to get a certificate from the mediators and that can be used to enable the courts to act and proceed to create orders themselves.

So next stop, mediators.

[Quercus]

Good on you Terry for seeking out legal help.

I'm really pleased to hear you have some solid plans in place. I hope this gives you some relief knowing that the isolation from your kids will stop sometime soon.

❤ Nat

[blondguy]

Hi Terry

You are a legend and thanks for the update 🙂

Moderation is not only in the best interests of the children but also shows the mediators who was proactive enough to do the hard work to actually see their children

You Rock Terry

Nice1 🙂

Paul