28 TG:F - Isolated and have no social connections

[TheHumanSeed]

So to make a long story short, Im a 28yro transgender female with autism, and i dont have any friends acquaintances or familial connections.

I was abused quite badly as a child by my step father, who used to physically assault me daily.. It got so bad that i tried to end my life at 11yro, then by 14yro i had premeditated a plan to live on the streets it got so bad. The thing that made it worse is that my mother practically emotionally neglected me and ignored this abuse until he hit her (which we moved away from him afterwards). I was later kicked out of home after altercations occured between myself and my brother.and ended up living with my grandparents until the end of year 12.

As a result of all this, i feel that i am not really equipped to make friends or connect with people like others seem to be able to do normally. I somehoelw managed to make a small group of friends at university, being fool, but they fell off the planet after I transitioned. I also had a few relationships but they fell through within 8 months, due to issues with my GD and emotional baggage. 

The thing is I feel like no matter how hard I try to interact with other people to make friends, they just seem to want to back off. Its not like im going all BPD on them and getting in their faces or being overly intense, they just seem to not be interested at all. Same when it comes to the dating scene, before transition id get like a match a month, but now it seems like i get nothing at all.

I honestly dont know what to do anymore, im tired of having to be so proactive to create some kind of relationship with someone all the time. I feel utterly isolated and alone. I have no one but my university councillor to connect with at an emotional level, I just feel that im worthless and that no one wants to take the time to know me. Im tired of having to cry into a pillow and play the part of my own therapist because theres no one else on the planet who can just give me a hug and tell me everythings going to be alright. My resilience is usually quite high and i used to be able to emotionally blunt myself, but i cant do that anymore. Resilience seems to be the only thing left that im running off and i feel its starting to rub thin. Im not sure what else i can do. 

[On The Road]

Hi TheHumanSeed,

I'm sorry that you've been facing many challenges for years... it's somehow soothing to see that you overcame obstacles and you have been resilient. 

I heard you, I can resonate with you to some degree, I have similar difficulties in socialising and at the moment I feel isolated and lonely... it must be exhausting to be proactive to make a relationship with someone... I used to be the one who's initiative and most of the time I wasn't reciprocated...  now I started to accept and try to enjoy this loneliness, it is good when I could plan and do my things alone that no one bothered me, but it is absolutely terrible when I was feeling down. I don't mean giving up on making friends, I just used radical accpetance that acknowledges my current situation, and don't stress myself too much for not putting socialising on the first thing on my list. 

Have you ever considered looking for some LGBT social groups in your uni or your local community? I would suggest going to some events they hold and you don't need to actively participate in them if you are not ready. Sometimes being a quiet listener is a great way to start new connections. 

Virtual hugs to you, feel free to share more if you want, we are here to listen 🙂

[Juliet_84]

Hi theHumanSeed,

Firstly, I am so sorry what happened to you when you were young, you didn’t deserve that. I think a lot of us resonate with the difficulties that you describe in making connections and having them stick or meeting people who truly “see” you. I know that I certainly have that problem, and particularly so when I developed a medical condition that made me “different”, I found it very isolating. And you have the double whammy of your challenges associated with having autism and also being transgender. It’s sad but a lot of people just seem very black and white in their thinking and judgemental in their views, they like people who are the same as them, if they have kids they want friends who have kids etc, and like things to fit into a neat little box and don’t like anything that sits outside of that or makes them question their ideals. But not everyone is like that, some people have depth and are open-minded and judge you for your soul/character. But they are in the minority unfortunately in my experience. Sounds corny but you have to keep sifting through the dirt until you find the gems. At least that’s what I tell myself 😊 my heart broke for you a little bit when you said “Resilience seems to be the only thing left that im running off and i feel its starting to rub thin”, I know how that feels but I am reminded of another quote “your value doesn’t decrease based on other people’s inability to see your worth”, keep being you, keep putting yourself out there, and be the change you want to see in people. You are courageous and have a lot of value to give, don’t lose sight of that fact. Please be gentle with yourself x

[jenijenjen]

I can relate to having trouble making friends and people backing off. Do you have any interests where you could join a social group or volunteer? That will give people a chance to get to know you and visa versa. You say people "seem to want to back off" Could this just be your perception? I'm asking this because I tend to back off before they do cause I just know they're going to back off so I'll save them the trouble. You are obviously an intelligent and articulate person, there will be people out there that want to get to know you

[sbella02]

TheHumanSeed,

Thank you for sharing your story on here, to reach out for assistance is a very brave thing. I warmly welcome you to the forums. 

Your story breaks my heart, I am so sorry to hear about the suffering you have endured throughout your life. I'd also like to say, resilience can also fluctuate at different points in our lives, particularly during rougher times, that's very normal. 

Are you still in university? Most uni campuses I'm aware of have a series of clubs or groups that you can join based on interests, or other aspects of a person's identity (like age, culture, sexuality, gender etc.). You may find people with common experiences, interests, or hobbies through these kinds of clubs, and I'd highly recommended checking them out if your campus offers them. Otherwise, if you're interested in a sport, you could always have a look around online to see if there are any local clubs you can join.

Have you been able to have a chat to somebody like your GP, a therapist, counsellor, or psychologists about your struggles with making friends? Sometimes professional advice can be really helpful, as well as being able to confide in an objective third party. 

If you would feel comfortable and if this is a possibility for you, surrounding yourself with people in a work or volunteer environment around your study timetable can also be really helpful for providing social support and fulfilment. I used to volunteer when I was in high school and I also had a part-time job, and I met some amazing people around my age, many of whom I'm still connected with to this day. 

I hope this helps, please remember that we're here to support you if you'd like to chat with us some more. 

All the best, SB