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27, virgin male, disabled

Matt1991
Community Member

Hi all,

I am 27 year old with aspergers and hearing loss living in Brisbane. I am a virgin, or late bloomer that you called. Never had a relationship or kiss. I never had an acceptance from someone asking out. I am very socially active getting involved in common interest groups, sporting groups Meetup events and volunteering. I have great schedule. Unfortunately the downside I am lacking attractiveness to what women wants. I think I am too honest, blunt, organised and straightforward person for a romance life. Lot of women told me that I am not physically attractive either.

It frustrates me when I met lot of girls on the spectrum who are either in long term relationships and others who are single are lesbians. I am stuck in between two ironies. For the Neurotypicals it almost other way around, the ones who are in relationships aren't compatible with me but the ones who are single are but the problem the ones who are single are too party animals, have poor attitude personality problems and lack of empathy.

I have been counselling for long time, 9 years worth of pschyologists and that. My depression and anxiety is still happening while I am suffering isolation, lack of human connection and intimacy. It makes me feel lost and disconnected. I have no problems on my own because I do lot of things on my own such as fit bootcamp three times a week, Parkrun club, riding bike, take photos and that etc. I have done enough being on my own. My friends do hang out with me, despite many of them are females and unfortunately they dont find me more than friends nor attractive.

I am quite frustrated by how the society treats and put me in bad luck. I thought I am doing so well with many personal achievements, benefits and milestones because I am happy on that but when comes to relationships and romance it goes bad darkworld. Like Black Fridays everyday with Groundhog days.

I wonder why I find so difficult to get someone to accept for who I am. I am only being myself as my name and who I am. I don't do what others do or re-create their identity. Though I feel negative of myself because of being ashamed more as I get older by having zero relationship and sex experience. Pretty funny this forums only have people with problems in their relationships. I never heard any problems from Aspie girls I met of their relationships.

I live in bad luck, ironic and upside down lifestyle. Where is my lady?

7 Replies 7

Birdy77
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hello Matt😊

it's great that you've found your way here. I hope you feel comfortable and safe here to just be yourself and air your worries with some understanding folk.

You sound like an interesting guy with lots of things going on in your life.

I do not ha e the answer to your question I'm afraid "where is my lady?" but for what it's worth, I wouldn't worry yourself about "blooming late" ... there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and you can explore that part of your life with the right girl when she comes along.

I just want you to feel welcome here Matt 😊

🌻birdy

Hi Matt

It is hard. But anyone that tells another person they arent physically attractive- get them out of your life.

Google

Topic: depression and toxic people- beyondblue

Topic: fortress of survival- beyondblue

I had a theory. The more people I met the more likely I'd find my soul mate.

cheers

Tony WK

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Matt,

They say that, underneath everything, attraction is based on genetics. Subconsciously, we find people attractive who are genetically dissimilar to us and therefore are most likely to produce healthy offspring. Though most of us don’t know that when we pick people! I find it such an interesting concept, because I can find someone so attractive, and my friend will find the same person unattractive. My point is, you shouldn’t listen to what people say, because some won’t find you attractive, but there are others who will. Your job is to find those ones, and like Tony said, it’s a numbers game. Meet as many people as you can and you’ll find her eventually 🙂 it may not work out the first, second, or third time, most of us spend a lot of time trying to find ‘our person’ but try and enjoy the rest of your life while you do it

Thanks everyone for making feel welcome. I am quite frustrated, furious, curious and tired in terms of human connection desire.

I am facing a lot of challenges and barriers of being different among everybody's peers. This pressures on me as the way how people treat me. I have been told I whinge too much, but that is wrong perspective because when I am, I am actually speaking up my voices of how I feel about my experiences. While meeting new people it adds more pressure.

Unfortunately I find so many networks in young generation today are full of narcissists and selfish people. They are playing games in human race, making numbers and use their privileges to win games easily. As being NT and able bodied who have easy wins due to their no challenges and barriers in communication and social cues while they are physically attractive and weird privileges that makes them win easy.

I find myself so difficult to blend in society, hence lack of access finding right people for me. This explains where my depression and anxiety comes from as being pressured of society not accepting my own happiness of being Autistic and have hearing loss. I used my disabilities as advantage and benefits in my lifestyle.

I have been everywhere for very long time. I have attended so many events, networks, websites and so on every single week for 9 years. I can't see myself able to get a girlfriend at this rate because there still no women likes me nor want to date me when I ask them and no one approach me. It makes me lonely, stubborn, lost and left behind. Every single friends I have they have dates, relationships and sex like normal people. I feel abnormal by society standards.

I dont know what to do. Psychologists cant rely on them anymore it repeats same advice over again such as please wait be patient etc.

Hi Matt, thankyou for writing back

I know where you are coming from. We have had here recently a chap that was bound in a wheelchair. It was a difficult topic but FACT- few women (or visa-versa) want to date a guy in a wheelchair. That's absurd but true. My brother (dec) was rejected purely because he was a diabetic and had insulin needles daily.

It's an unjust world. So what can we do about it? We have to adapt and get the best out of a bad place. It's better to realise it is a survival game. We can cry on a beach of an island where we are marooned or we can build a hut, bonfire ready when we see a ship, grow food and fish. The movie Castaway is perfect in what I'm saying. He even had a coconut for a friend!

So what is the answer if we are to maximize our chances? Well with that chap in a chair I suggested (not easy) that he mix with other disabled people, as well as abled bodied friends. What alternative is there?

Yes, I know you've made these attempts but never ever give up. As previously stated computer dating is the best idea because you can select women that might appreciate you. You might meet a lady that has been physically abused, she might think there is no man out there that wont hurt me????

Finally - teamwork. All marriages work best when both individuals come together to work as a team. An example-

A friend of mine is in a wheelchair. He married a lady that is intellectually disabled. She couldn't get work but she did help him with his daily chores and resitrictions. Then he decided to become a teacher. Daily he had to get ready and catch trains and busses for- 6 years to become a teacher!!! wow.

He got a job with Centrelink. In classes he would teach the unemployed in how to get a job. Sometimes they would say "how am I going to get a job"? He would open his arms and say "look at me".

I used to be a negative thinker. It was the worse feeling. I've been a positive thinker for 36 years. The reason? Well please google this thread. Its about an event that happened to me in 1982.

Topic: 30 minutes can change your life- beyondblue

and some others.

Topic: focus and never ever give up- beyondblue

Topic: being positive- what's the secret?- beyondblue

I hope that helps

Tony WK

That chap was me. The last couple of weeks have been hard cause the girl I had been flirting with in Melbourne decided to just be friends 5 days before I was meant to arrive. Within two days she was full on sexting to no longer being comfortable with it.

Organised to catch up with her even after her change of tune, and she bailed twice which really hurt.

In regards to getting yourself out there I've joined the my Uni Labor Party Club and attended the AGM followed by post meeting drinks, and that was just the first step in making new friends and increasing the chances of meeting that special person. We have another event this Sunday at a pub, with Wayne Swan as the guest speaker. Looking forward to it 🙂

Hi Matt. Your situation is a hard one for me to answer but at least I can say to you I have thought about you today (I read your post/s today earlier today) and how I could answer you. I’m way out of your age range but regardless of age I wouldn’t have a problem thinking of you as a friend after reading your posts.

Have you ever read the poem called “I Am Me” by Virginia Satir ? It’s worth googling to read it. And in my Aldi online catalogue today they say ... “People call us different. We take it as a compliment” - can you think like that ? - there will be people out there for you - you need to keep looking and forget about the shallow minded people you encountered in the past.

Keep on being strong - I’m sure you will get where you want to go.

I wish you all the best Matt 👌😃