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10 years

dizzy6721
Community Member

Hi,

I've been in an extremely loving relationship for the last 10 years, we've never had a major fight before, however in February this year, my partner woke up one morning and gave me the cold shoulder. She said that she had the feelings that we weren't going anywhere and didn't have plans for the future etc. She has a blow up once a year about this issue of not having plans etc but I can usually reassure her that we will be OK as I promise I will always be here & love her wholeheartedly. She went away for the night and stayed with her friend. The next morning she came back and said she never wanted to do that again as it was horrible being away from me. Since then she has woken up one morning and said she felt "broken and didn't know how to fix herself" told me everything feels forced in our relationship, she doesn't know if she loves me anymore as she doesn't think I'm committed. As we talked this over, I went into the bedroom and pulled out the engagement ring I had been planning to give her this year - this ring took me over a year to save for & I have the perfect plan in place to propose. When she saw the ring she said "this changes everything". She says she feels "nothing for me" however when I showed her the bag with the ring in - she cried her eyes out. However she has since walked out on me, stayed in a hotel for a week, with another friend for a week & ultimately moved out of our home which she also said she "loves" & into a small 1x1 apartment on her own. She has canceled all of our ties together - bank accounts, health insurance, bills etc. and says she is "extremely happy" out on her own. She has completely blocked out my whole family who have always loved and adored her, she is best friends with my younger sister - who she now hasn't spoken to in 3 months. She has also said shes felt like this for a couple of years but has suppressed her feelings.

Meanwhile I'm sat here left trying to piece everything together and figure out what went wrong or what I've done wrong? Suffering sleepless nights and a fair amount of depression.

She is 34 years old - so am I crazy to think that this might be a little bit of a mini mid life crisis because she isn't married yet with kids etc and she doesn't know it? Do i just need to give her time to work herself out? Or is she completely done with me?

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm going out of my mind and haven't a clue what to do...

Thank you in advance

19 Replies 19

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Dizzy6721~

This must have come as a real shock to you and I can understand your feelings of depression and wondering what is wrong.

Having said that after reading all your post I did have to wonder how good the communication between you and your ex partner has been over the years. The fact you have ever had major fight might not have been as good a thing as you imagine. When angry things can be said that might otherwise be buried.

While of course I don't know the facts I'd imagine for many a 10 year period living wiht someone and not having the final commitment of marriage would be a source of great unhappiness. This could well come out in terms of saying she felt the pair of you were not going anywhere or that you are not committed.

I know you did get an engagement ring, and it took you a fair amount of time to save for it, however maybe taking your ex into your confidence a lot earlier might have had more benefit than any surprise could.

As this is not a new thing I'd imagine the chances of repairing the relationship is that much harder - if possible at all. Your ex did say that for a couple of years she had tried to ignore her feelings and that her first separation was really horrible for her.

Now she may well have severed all contact with everyone in your family in addition to you for the same reason, it is all too painful.

I can't really say what you should do, or if there is any chance of getting back together. All I can say is that a partnership is all about communication and feelings of - among other things - security.

I'm sorry I can't give you a more hopeful response

Croix

dizzy6721
Community Member

Thanks for replying Croix, much appreciated.

Our communication has always been good. Time spent together is always amazing doing different things and enjoying each others company.

My partner always did want to get married etc. As i am a few years younger I said I wanted to wait until I was 30 years old before we made the next step - which she was absolutely fine with. The day after my 30th birthday I went and found the ring, its absolutely perfect the same as she is, the warm fuzzy feeling you get inside when you find the right one is pure electric! At the time I couldn't afford it, so I saved for over a year to be able to make it happen. I didn't mention anything as I simply wanted the proposal to be absolutely magical and something she would be able to tell the world about. The woman I know and love would absolutely love this amount of commitment and dedication, the current woman doesn't think it's romantic at all. I feel she is lost and ultimately off to find happiness again. She says she has lost the spark for me. It is so disappointing as everything she has ever wanted is staring her right in the face and she has just walked out instead of at least trying to work things out.

After 10 wonderful years together, I feel like I deserve better than the silent treatment and my family to be ignored.

I have suggested counseling together, maybe a holiday to spend some quality time together, sadly she just isn't interested in me at all, she has completely drifted off.

I know I cant force it, but My commitment is 1000% and I am not going anywhere, I am all in, I'm all hers. I've never even so much as looked in the direction of another woman. Her family have told me to sit tight and just give her some time and space, but it is killing me not having my best friend by my side whilst she is off gallivanting around like nothing has happened and I don't even exist. So sad...

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hi dizzy6721,
I agree with Croix in that most people would find a 10 year relationship without any real show of commitment a source of unhappiness. The fact that your ex would have a “blow up” about this every year tells me that it was important to her and I suspect that she wasn’t entirely satisfied with your reassurances that you were committed, rather agreed to keep the peace because she loved you. But the fact she kept bringing it up tells me it never felt resolved for her.
I understand that you wanted to wait until you were 30, and then spent an additional year saving for the ring. But you also mentioned your ex is a few years older than you, which would place her in the 33-35 year age range? The problem with that is that most women at this age begin to think about children (whether they want them or not) because it is at this age they have to decide, and most women want to decide rather than have that option taken away from them by someone else. Whether we like it or not we are on a time schedule unlike men who can have children up until the age of 70 or thereabouts if they desire. This may not be a factor, but I believe she is strongly questioning whether to invest any more time in a person who needs a lot of time to commit to each stage. I hope you don’t see this as a criticism of you, everybody needs to feel ready at each stage, but I’m just trying to give you a female perspective from someone in a similar age bracket. It is unfortunate that you didn’t communicate your plans to her earlier as she likely began distancing herself some time ago in preparation this some time ago and it can be hard to pull out of that nosedive. The other thing I’m unsure of is, if you had the ring, why didn’t you propose to her then? Why did you leave it until she ended it with you to bring it out?

Hi Juliet_84,

I was only able to afford the ring at the end of February this year - unfortunately at the exact same time this whole situation began to unfold. Extremely unlucky timing. I had planned on proposing on her birthday in May, however she had already gone by then and it would be crazy to do it while she feels this way. I have worked so hard on the perfect proposal and ring, I just wanted it to be amazing as it’s exactly what she deserves.

I’m fully aware of the feelings for kids at her age, I am completely on board and fully committed to our future together whether that involves children or not. If she just needs time away to figure out what she wants then why not say that instead of running away and hiding from it all? Shutting me and my family out completely doesn’t help anyone or anything?

Most of her family have told me to just sit tight and ride it out, completely happy to do this as I am not interested in anyone else.

I also understand that I’m a complete fool for not proposing sooner & take full responsibility for my actions. I love this woman with all of my heart and life is pointless without her by my side...

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Dizzy6721,

The bad timing you describe is certainly a shame. It may be that she wants time away to make up her own mind and doesn’t want outside people influencing her decision one way or the other, as you and your family are obviously closer to this than most people, she may just need this time. I’m not usually one to recommend big romantic gestures but it may be worthwhile putting it all on the line, asserting that you are eager to commit to her and want to build a future together, marriage etc. She may not believe it so any “evidence” you have to back it up would be good. I suspect she may feel as though she was “fooled” by words previously and wants action at this point. I’d give her a little bit of space right now (not too much) to calm down but if this girl is really who you want and you can commit to her in the way that she wants, then I’d give it everything you’ve got. If you were afraid of commitment previously, I wouldn’t lie or make excuses, I’d own it and explain how things are different now. I wish you all the best x

Hi Juliet_84,

thank you for replying.

I certainly do want to spend the rest of my life with this amazing woman. Currently she won’t talk or communicate with me, it seems easier for her to just walk away than stay and fight. It is a real shame because I never had her down as a quitter. She is normally so strong and determined.

She has seen a little of my proposal plan, as out of desperation before she walked out I showed her a little of it. She cried her eyes out, said it was beautiful, hugged and kissed me. Then continued to pack her stuff as if nothing had happened.

I just wonder how it is so easy for her to walk away, not struggle with this & continue going about life like we never existed? I know people deal with stuff in their own way, however the woman I know and love is much better than this.

I’m prepares to give her as much time as she needs to work out whatever is going on in her head. I’ve reiterated several times I won’t be going anywhere. Though I’m sure she doesn’t need me hounding her with constant text messages and calls as this will push her further away.

Friends and family on both sides have advised to sit tight, focus on myself as we never know what’s around the corner, basically a “never say never” attitude.

My partner Also said the same thing to me as she drove off. I proclaimed my sadness at never being able to propose to her & give her he perfect ring. “Never say never...”

so I wonder if it is just a time thing? Is she testing my committment by taking 6 months apart from me to see if I’m still there for her at the end of it?

A million thoughts running through my head...

Juliet_84
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Dizzy6721,

I think it’s more a case of she was set on making that decision. It takes A LOT of resolve to walk away from the person you love but sometimes you have to do it. She had likely spend some months beforehand steeling herself for this moment and so usually it is virtually impossible to talk someone out of breaking up with you in that conversation, the chances come in those blow ups beforehand. That being said, once that time has passed and she has a chance to miss you and see things with a bit more clarity, that may be your moment. Certainly proving your commitment to her during this time will likely count in your favour.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Dizzy6721~

I don't think if it was me in your ex's shoes I'd be able to take 6 months to see if you were still going to be there. My impression is that, as Juliet_84 says it takes an awful lot of resolve to walk away, not something you do until you realy mean it.

That being said I'm basically marshmallow and an approach after a fair while might mean something to me, whether it would to your partner is another matter. If it is about commitment maybe there is hope.

Croix

Hi Juliet_84,

That is exactly what I would like to see happen - her actually miss me.

This year, For the first time in 10 years I wasn't waking up next to her for her birthday, treating her like a queen, buying her flowers & spending the day together - it nearly killed me. I was hoping that it might make her actually miss me even slightly and go "I wonder why he hasn't messaged or contacted me" but it didn't, she casually went to a wedding by herself & got drunk with her friends. She is really acting out of character as of late and it hurts me to see. I'd like to help, but I feel she needs to realise if she has a problem on her own first.

I'm really hopeful this time apart will do us the world of good. Maybe we can start again. Her attitude at the moment is simply - I don't care... horrible to see and take in.

Perhaps you're right about the months of planning to get out - but why not come to me like a responsible adult and say "hey love, I'm struggling with this and we need to talk" instead of simply running away to your own place and shutting everything out like I don't exist? I understand everybody is different and has their own ways of dealing with things, but surely after such a long time together i deserve a little better than silent treatment?

The pain is unbearable, heartbroken beyond belief, lost, confused & full of self blame. All I've ever done for this faultless woman is love her unconditionally. Now I'm left wondering what on earth to do... I'm seeing a psychologist next week, I really hope they can help too.