Feeling under valued and alone in the world
I’m feeling incredibly undervalued and unloved lately. I’ve been single for over 3 years and I’ve been trying to date and meet new people, but I literally cannot find someone who really wants to know me, and learn who I am.
Ive had such terrible luck with guys. Each one of them stays interested for a few weeks, then tells me they are still involved with an ex girlfriend, or tries to pimp me out to his friends, or literally leaves me on the side of the road in the middle of the night.
The way some guys have treated me in the last 12 months has really grinded me down - I feel like I’m not good enough, I feel like I’m worthless or that there is now some expiry on me appearing interesting or desireable to people. The behaviour is like clockwork. I let people talk about themselves, keeping information about myself sidelined unless they ask (and they don’t), I just try to enjoy spending time with someone and not read anything into it, but even that ends the same way.
Ive stopped talking about myself, giving my opinion, and just leaving the floor open for these guys to talk about themselves and feel good. They do that, and then they leave. I can honestly say that no one has learned about the person I am in over 4 years. And that is becoming very, very lonely for me. I still feel like I’m an interesting person, and I like the person that I am, but I can feel my light starting to go out a little bit, and that makes me very sad.
Does anyone have any advice on coping with being this alone? I value myself and the person that I am, but I’d love some help in accepting that I might be the only person does.
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story, I think lots of girls will relate to problems in finding a boyfriend that they can relate to, and your post will help others realize they are not alone.
I don't think you need help in accepting that others won't value you, because I don't think that's necessary. I don't think that will be your path. You'll have friends and boyfriends who love you for who you are - your post is articulate and smart, and I'm sure people will appreciate that.
I'm wondering if maybe the support you need is just a little confidence building.
I'm a bit of an introvert and also tend to let others talk - it took a long time to realise that if I don't talk, people will never get to know me. I also slowly realised that while some people are all about themselves, others will just be talking to fill the silence I left.
It can be a bit challenging to change this as firstly, we're used to it and secondly, if our confidence is a bit shaky, it's hard to put ourselves out there. Do you relate to that at all?
If so, I reckon just start showing more of yourself, and if they move on, that's OK, it's no loss. Having confidence is easier said than done, so you might be interested in having a chat to someone who provides support on this type of thing. Are you under 25? If so, try contacting Headspace because they provide support for relationship stuff.
Don't let your light dim : ) We need lovely sensitive and clever people like you to shine on.
Dear AMYlou, and please can I offer a warm welcome to you.
I want to support you just as Stormcloudz has done and feel you have been done badly by the company who you have had, perhaps these guys were only after what they wanted and didn't want to form a relationship, that's not your fault and certainly not any sign of your personality.
I do understand why you have stopped talking to them so they could talk about themselves, but that's only them being irresponsible because a relationship only forms by both knowing each other, listening to what they have to say and then wanting to know how you feel.
What I am worried about is you, because you might be struggling with anxiety and depression, and once this happens negative thoughts maybe plaguing your thinking and not want this to happen.
Pretending to be OK to others is exhausting, it certainly was for
Be yourself, gain some confidence by doing a short course and remember if these guys have spoken with you and then left, you are actually the stronger person.
Love to hear back from you.
As soon as you said you had been single for over 3 years, this really resonated with me. I was also single for 3 years a couple of years ago and remember distinctly having similar feelings to you. Wondering if there was something wrong with me, why I’d had such bad luck meeting guys, and so on. I found myself either turning down dates, or going on dates and being extremely disheartened when things didn’t turn out the way I wanted it to.
It wasn’t until I saw a psychologist and started talking through my feelings that I really started to understand things. Apart from the fact that I discovered I had social anxiety (which really made the picture clearer for me), the line that she said which really stood out for me was “Do you want to get married and have kids one day?”, to which I responded ‘yes’. She then replied to me saying “then that is going to be very hard if you don’t go on dates’. From that comment, I went out with a new attitude that I was going to go on dates and not come with any pre-judgement of the person, to not eliminate a first date based on any criteria, and to not have expectations that something was going to go somewhere after the first date. I also realised that if I was not happy with a person, I was not going to continue something.
Anyway, fast forward about two months after that conversation and I ended up meeting a mutual friend in real life who asked me out on a date. This is despite also having been on many dating websites etc which didn’t work out for me. Fast forward nearly 2.5 years and I am still with the same person.
The thing I am trying to get across from my story/experience is that the biggest barrier to meeting someone I think is the notion of giving up. I think persevering and if you tell yourself to keep going on dates, keep meeting new people, no matter how many times you meet people who it doesn’t work out with, will statistically increase your chances of finding someone.
That being said, I know being alone can be very hard too. There are good things about being single too though - you can travel, move interstate etc, and you have less commitment so more time to pursue your own hobbies and focus on yourself.
I hope you feel better soon, I empathise with you a lot and I hope my story helps you to have hope for the future.
I don't have direct experience with modern dating as I've been married for 20yrs. I can say though that finding 'the one' isn't necessarily a cure for loneliness, as I'm not the only one finding myself here struggling with feeling alone in the relationship that was supposed to prevent me ever feeling lonely again.
I'm not saying that to depress you I hope it doesn't! It can be wonderful finding that special person who makes you feel loved and understood. Great relationships can and do happen. So do bad ones. What I'm saying is that it's not the be all and end all to find that 'soul mate' or whichever term you prefer. That other person will not 'complete you' like certain movies would have us believe. Knowing you are enough on your own, if it turns out that way, is the path to the confidence stormcloudz spoke about. Knowing you have value whether another person sees it or not, is what's important. And you do have value. You seem like a smart, interesting person and I'm sorry dating has sucked so much for you of late. I understand how easy it is to start feeling worthless. Let me say for the record though:
Any man who would leave a woman on the side of the road at night for ANY reason, is worthless. Not you
People who don't ask you questions and just go on about themselves, are narcissists. They are the problem, not you.
People who date just to get one thing-unfortunately they are a fact of life. All you I think can do it try to assess who is genuine and who isn't in your own way.
Like I said no personal experience with recent dating, so take from that what you will. I have heard how tough it is out there and you are definitely not alone in being disappointed. It takes a tough person to keep putting themselves out there, but I think you can do it if a relationship is something you really want. Just remember other people treating you badly does not mean you deserve to be treated badly. You deserve respect.
I hope this helps despite my lack of expertise in this area! Best of luck AmyLou. I hope you find what you're looking for.