Upset over sibling breakup
I just came back from a European holiday to find out my brother had broken up with his girlfriend of eight years while I was overseas. He did not want to tell me as he thought it could ruin my holiday. I am so upset hearing about this, I cried a lot of the day yesterday. I have been so close to his girlfriend, she has been like a sister to me, closer to me than my own sister at times. I am so sad thinking about all the memories we shared together and the family functions she was always included in, to think it won’t be like that anymore breaks my heart. It especially breaks my heart as I have since reached out to her and I know how much she is hurting. I almost feel angry at my brother for doing this even though I know he’s been very upset and crying too, he said he did it because he wasn’t ready to settle down yet.Im not sure why I feel so terribly upset even though I wasn’t the one that was broken up with. I wish I could tell my brother that he has made a big mistake and to change things back to how they were, I want to let him know he didn’t hurt just her, he hurt our whole family including me. It makes me so upset that she won’t be included in family things anymore, I feel like I have lost something so close.
is it normal to feel so upset in this scenario? I just don’t know what to do to feel better or what action to take. I feel helpless
welcome to the forum. Others will contribute to your post. The responses may appear slightly delayed as they need to be checked by the moderator. However you can also search the site’s archive for “break up” or other terms. There are some great responses there.
your story resonates with me. Yesterday I have just learned my dear friends separated after 30 years of marriage. I could not stop the tears. Sense of loss was overwhelming until I realised they still can be part of my life as individuals.
I have experience of separations myself and know the true reasons are often complex and not always disclosed to anyone. Happy appearance may be just an act.
Both your brother and your friend may feel the same sorrow as you. Your friend may feel she has lost her partner and you as a friend. You may like to contact her and offer her some support and comfort If you want your friendship to continue. Sometimes in breakups, friends feel they are required to show loyalty to one party only (him or her). What is your view on this?
Hello Cindy and a very warm welcome to Beyond Blue forums
I see you have already provided a very caring and supportive response to another. So lovely to see.
What a difficult situation for you to be in. Yes, of course it's normal to be feeling like you are at the moment. There are quite a number of reasons for this -
- you have built up a friendship, companionship with her. What is stopping you from remaining friends with her?
- she has been around since your dad's passing. From what you've said, I'd imagine she was a great support to everyone during that time. She has shared a lot with you all.
- getting socially anxious makes life difficult. I understand only too well because I also get it. So when you find someone you get on well with, who is always there, it is a huge loss. In some ways you may find you go through a grieving process because you care so much for her. And that's okay. You may find it useful to talk about it with your psychologist when on your next visit.
In terms of your brother's choice, that is hard. It is his life and others can't really control what he choses to do, even though it seems silly to others. How are others in your family reacting to the break up?
Keep reaching out. You're not alone Cindy.
Thank you for your caring words. I agree in that in feels like a huge loss to me so I am grieving that loss. I also feel as though I am grieving on behalf of the loss to both my brother and his girlfriend, because I can only imagine how upset they must be too and I hate to see people I care for in so much pain. In fact, in some ways it has brought up feelings for me - causing me to remember all my previous breakups and how much pain they caused.
You are right in that I can not control other people’s choices unfortunately, and people make those choices for their own reasons I guess. It is just hard to deal with. I woke up today and just cried thinking about it.
Thank you for your comforting words. It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this. To me I feel it is important that I support both my brother and my friend through this time.
And you are correct, that even though from the outside I think he is crazy and selfish for doing this, maybe I don’t know everything else that was going on.