Why do I feel like this

[Island11]

Things have been deteriorating with my partner since January. There have been sexual incidents which have upset me. I want to leave but can’t access the finances to do that and have no support from family.

Every time he upsets me I go shopping and spend wildly. It seems to be the only way to feel ok again, to hurt him back, to feel like I have some control again. It’s not a conscious thing, i think it’s just a coping mechanism.

I retreat inward emotionally yet lash out at him verbally. I feel a little bit like a caged animal.

My joy and motivation in life is dissipating and I am simply here. He kisses me good bye and tells me he loves me and it feels at odds with everything else going on. My judgement and thinking feels so clouded.

[Island11]

My psychologist has told me to imagine about the things that have happened to me have happened to my daughter and what advice I would give her. Would I tell her she was at fault? And I can understand the analogy but believing it is much harder.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Island11,

We are so sorry to hear that you've been feeling distressed since seeing someone for help. We understand that this would be very confusing for you. Please know that you are not alone in this and there is lots of help available to you.

We would recommend that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/
Please feel free to keep reaching out to the community here on your thread. We are all here to support you during this difficult time.

[Island11]

Yesterday I was felt a physical need to be intimate and when my partner responded I encouraged him to physically hurt me. I don’t think he knew what he was doing but I knew exactly that what he was doing was going to cause me pain. Why would I do this? I don’t understand it. It was severe enough to cause me pain still today. What is wrong with me! Normal people don’t act like this