Family Trauma/Anger

[Alice182]

Hi,

I have been dealing with severe anxiety and mild/deep depression for years now. It is undoubtedly linked to the divorce my parents got when I was about 10 (I am 22 now). It was ugly. I saw things as a child that I shouldn't have including assault, courtrooms, back of police cars, suicidal attempts by a parent. I know for certain all this has impacted me, but it has been the last few months that I have seen myself spiralling. I am constantly angry, trying to control others with minuscule tasks, snapping at them, just being plain awful. I drink more than I should, and it reached a tipping point the other night when I was wallowing in a bout of depression and got blind drunk. I had a fight with my mum, that I don't remember, and said some things that I know were disgusting toward her. We are not talking, just avoiding each other. I live with her and her husband who I really don't like. I don't talk to my brother much, as in the past I took my mums side in certain matters. My family is a mess, I don't think I've been stable since the divorce. I need to change, stop taking my anger out on others. But the loneliness and weariness is overwhelming. I simply give up and let myself wallow. Most days I feel like simply vanishing somewhere else. Start something new. But there is this hold my family has over me that guilt trips me into staying, from trying to separate myself from them. I am ashamed of myself to say the least, I simply don't want to be this way anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Alice182,
  Welcome to our online community, we are so grateful that you reached out to us here this afternoon. It was very brave of you to do so. We're so sorry to hear that you've had such a difficult journey. We can hear that you're feeling ashamed of yourself. It sounds as though you are needing some support and we want you to know that there is help available to you.   It's great to hear that you are willing to recognise and work on your own behaviour although you are coping with a lot of difficulties in your life. You might find some helpful advice in the following thread around anger management: “Helpful strategies for anger”

We would encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you support as well as advice and referrals to help you. We would suggest that it also might be useful to get in touch with an organisation called Relationships Australia on 1300 364 277. They provide relationship support services for individuals, families and communities and aim to support all people in Australia to achieve positive and respectful relationships.

Many in our community have had similar experiences and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best support you through this.

[Croix]

Dear Alice182~

I’d like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the Forum. I guess there are several things I’d like to say to you, The first being thank you for having the courage to come - and speak so frankly about what you see as your faults. Not easy to do.

Actually, realizing there is a problem is something not everyone does. I did not for a long time. It all came to me later on when my thoughts about myself and life became clearer and less emotional and stressed.

I’m not a doctor so cannot say what is wrong, however a lot of what you have described is similar to my PTSD, bouts of depression and ongoing anxiety. Anger, controlling, doing thing one regrets. I was lucky not to hit the grog as well, many of my workmates did.

My problems did not have the same cause as yours might, which for you was most possibly all the incomprehensible childhood trauma of a horrible family breakup and a parent trying to take their life.

So I’d imagine you have three areas that need your attention. The first being the aftermath of your childhood. May I ask if you are under the care of a specialist psychiatrist, or even psychologists, who specializes in young people’s trauma and how it affects later life?

Once I reached the stage of competent medical care my condition improved out of sight, and in time my family relations, which had been made almost unlivable by my actions, resumed.

Then there is the alcohol. I can understand the attraction, it does in the short term make life seem better, but rapidly escalates serious problems, physical, mental and social - one of which you are finding out. Can I suggest you seek a support group or other organization to help you with this. Our 12/7 Help Line on 1300 22 4636 may be able to point you to the right direction in your area.

As for your family and the tangle of bad feelings, plus your ill-advised words towards to your mum. Although there may be no instant fix can you work towards undoing the damage to her?

As you improve your coping skills will too and family rifts seem less overwhelming

I guess to push though maybe not make waves if possible and let people see you are seeking help, that might give you a breathing space

Please let us know how you get on

Croix

[ecomama]

Dear Alice182

Welcome and I hope you find some solace in the suggestions already made by Sophie and Croix.

You've done so well in explaining the things that are going on now and how you see problems with your own behaviours. I echo Croix in seeing there's a lot of trauma you've identified and you may benefit from some counselling around trauma.

You can discuss with your GP the issues you're having and the trauma you keep having flashbacks about. Your GP can give you a Mental Health Care Plan and a referral to a Counsellor. If you want to try a spin at Counselling first you can phone 1800RESPECT and talk it over with a Counsellor there, you can even ask to be put through to a Trauma Psychologist - THEY'RE GREAT.

Any MH professional who focusses on trauma is the person for you. If you don't click with who you see, then keep going till you do.

It's very common that people turn to alcohol when they're struggling. A psych once told me that alcohol "turns up the volume" of the feelings we have inside. Alcohol loosens inhibitions and we can speak words we may soberly not say. If you feel that you can't cut the alcohol out cold turkey then there are options for getting help there.

Through Counselling you will learn more helpful strategies and be able to begin to sort through your trauma.
You will even learn how to NOT buy into any guilt and shame that your family attempt to put on to you.

You're 22, you may need more time at home before you leave but you are an adult and can leave home if you choose.

I can understand you wanting to start new. Leaving home will not sort your trauma out. We take our memories with us. But in the same breath, it could be just what you need to do for yourself IDK. Your counsellor can help empower you to make the best decisions for YOU.

Please let us know how you get on.

EM

[Alice182]

Thank you Sophie_M, Croix and ecomama for your responses.

I never even considered the thought of having a form of PTSD from the issues I had to experience for 10+ years, but I know it is common for people to lessen the importance of their issues in general if they function higher in day to day life when dealing with mental health issues. I realise now that I may have some form of traumatic distress issues that I just haven't dealt with.

Thank you Croix for sharing with me your own personal story, I appreciate that a lot and it helps me feel like I'm not going completely mad. To answer your question, I did see a psychologist for my anxiety when I was younger, but I am only now beginning to see I need that one on one, in-depth support there to talk about everything. The incident the other night was the catalyst for me to start seeing one again and I have talked to my GP already about seeing a professional.

Thankyou ecomama for your response also. I don't regard myself as an alcoholic persay, I don't drink everyday, or feel the need to drink constantly, I think it's more so when the depression hits, it's close by and easy. But I am planning on cutting myself off when I feel that way.

Sometimes I still feel like a kid, wanting to go back to the person who was carefree and without all of this baggage weighing over me. I can't talk to my brother about the past, he's got anger issues of his own about the family break up and is firmly against my mum and doesn't speak to her, even though I have tried countless times, which has pressured me in ways that have even worsened my anxiety. My dad and I have a rocky relationship at times, as I know he did things in the marriage that shames me. For years I have tried to be the middle person, be the mediator, try and make everyone happy. That didn't work for some. Then I tried not doing anything at all, and that also didn't work for others.

I apologise for such a long response. It's been a tough day.

[ecomama]

Dear Alice182

It's FAN FAIRY TASTIC you've seen your GP and sought some 1:1 support WELL DONE YOU! wow.

It's a no brainer that seeing what you saw as a child was traumatizing, it would be for an adult seeing those things happen to the people we love. Or even a stranger! So getting help around the trauma is spot on I think.

Glad to hear about the drink lol. You've got this.

Ofcourse you wish for simpler times but it's how we do the tough times that also builds our character. YOu can choose to see the baggage as learning.
You're an extremely loving person to try so hard to get family to get along better.
Just remember they're adults too.
They are making their OWN decisions, if they say they don't want to talk to _____ I would shrug my shoulders and say "Okay".
Their relationships are THEIR responsibility.

I think you've taken far too much on and have been weighed down heavily with the responsibilities you've taken on. I congratulate you on your valiant efforts!

It's beyond time to look after you now.

Best wishes
EM