Why are bad choices made when 11/12yo destroying me 40 years later

[Bigdog72]

Hi im not sure wether this is in the right section or if there even is a right section. I find this hard to put out there for all to see but will try. Im 53yo male that has suffered seperation issues all my like due to being adopted. Dont get me wrong i was very lucky to get exception adoptive parents. I was sent to boarding school before my 12th birthday. So seperated again. Would run away from school on weekend into the city. Where i met a friend a few years older than me. He introduced me to drugs n other people that i then allowed to abuse me to get the drugs i needed. Im sorry if this doesnt make sence but nothing in my head does.

[Bigdog72]

Im sorry. I think posting was a huge mistake i shouldnt be trobling others with my problems. I was in a very dark place last night and sick of fighting. But i will deal with it. So sorry for wasting eveyones time

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Bigdog72..

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums…

I am so sorry that happened to you…Please don’t be sorry for posting here…..that’s what these forums are for….we are here to help support you as much as we can…

How are you feeling today Bigdog?  

Please talk here when you feel up to it, we are listening and sitting quietly with you..

Kind thoughts, and if you like them…a gentle caring hug🤗..

Grandy..

[Bigdog72]

Thanks Ggrand for being kind enough to respond. 

I know my first post didnt tell much but i was so messed up last night. 

Things are only slightly better today. 

Im not sure how much infomation im able or allowed to tell here. My problems stem from acomplex series of bad choices i made when young. When things we do then should never have any bearing on our older life, except mine mentally are out to destroy me and doing a awesome job of it. 

I have never been on one of the forms or never even asked for help until recently. So very scared and nervous to be doing this

Thanks again for answering.

Bigdog

[Snowdrop]

I just wanted to say that I am sorry that you felt unwanted and unloved or supported as a child. And to remind you that you were still a child when you were introduced to drugs and abused. That is not your fault. Of course your actions now you can make choices on, but when you are a child you are subject to so many conflicting messages. I would encourage you to connect with a professional that you feel happy sharing with. This can help you make sense of the present. For those of us who have suffered trauma, most either live in the remembered past, or the projected future (worrying about the future). The aim is to be able to live in the present - and with joy. Professional help can support you to do this. Your experience is yours - and you do have a right to seek and ask for help. You are not wasting people's time. May you find the right professional that can help you at this time. 🙏

[Bigdog72]

Thankyou snowdrop for ur reply. 

I have been seeking professional help for the last 12 months. Due to living in rural nsw and being on a support pension acessing services is extremely difficult. I can't afford to pay for help and the services through medicare are few n far between. My gp has sent out a number of referals but the come back either books are full or they dont deal with sexual assault. Particularly male sexual assault. Have been on waiting list for telehealth from brisbane for 9 months now. Hoping its getting closer. 

The biggest problem is im reliving it most night when asleep. It got to the stage im scared to go to sleep. I know that sounds stupid and probably is. I am surviving on about 2 to 3 hours sleep a night. I cant keep going like this. 

Its killed most friendships n relationships i have and fighting when u are on ur own gets harder each day. Which is why in desperation i reached out here. I needed to talk. 

Im still not sure it was the right thing to do as everyone else has enough of their own problems. 

I know i just have to deal with it as i have always done. Its my problem noone elses.

But again thankyou for taking the time to respond i really do apreciate it. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Bigdog72,

Just reading your post here, I’m thinking given you are on the support pension one thing you could try is accessing a social worker through Centrelink which will not cost you anything. I’m wondering if this could be a support for you until you are able to get in to see a psychologist? It’s not always easy to get through to Centrelink on the phone, as you probably know, but the disability line is sometimes a little easier which is 13 27 17. You don’t have to disclose details about your history over the phone if you don’t want to, but could explain that your GP is currently trying to get you help but there’s a wait and in the meantime you are looking for some support. I don’t know how far you are from the nearest Centrelink office but it may be easier talking directly with someone there if you can get to one. It’s just another option where perhaps you could get some support while you wait. I think a social worker can either spend time with you directly or talk to you over the phone.

I find when trauma memories are affecting me, one thing that can help is grounding myself through my senses. I might look around to see the things around me, what colours they are, what shapes they are, or listen for sounds and see what I can hear - just connecting to the immediate world. That brings me back into the present and can help to ease feelings associated with past experiences. It reminds me that I’m in the present and I am safe.

We are happy to chat if you want to, but just do what feels right for you. Take care,

ER