Where do I get advice about trauma support? Trigger warning

[Michael G H]

Hi,

I am new to this forum and not sure if this is the right place to add a bit about my long past childhood experience. I am doing research as to what level of punishment is acceptable. I have been attending a 12 step MH peer support group (Grow) weekly for about 14 years which has been really beneficial for so many issues but my long past childhood experience of being punished (not sure what for) keeps coming up in my mind and I guess I am thinking it must affect my life day to day. I have never spoken about this before to anyone. 

I am now 68 and keep having thoughts of long ago when my father used to use a cane when punishing me for something. I think this was how he was disciplined. It didn’t happen often and my father was like any other mostly. However I keep remembering one of the last times I was about 12. I don’t know what I did but I remember counting the welts on my body from the cane after, there were 52. I remember this because it is the number of weeks in the year. Many welts would have been because the cane might hit you in more than one place for each stroke so the number is coincidental. I do remember that he stopped only because the cane split. I remember after thinking that I should go to the police but I was too ashamed. I wonder if this has been a factor in my depression and low self worth etc throughout my life. 

I have spoken to the Blueknot help line and basically the Counsellor just gave me a list of Trauma trained Counsellors. There are so many different kinds of therapies that it is quite hard to know whether I would benefit and I imagine the cost would be substantial to follow through with any one of them. Is the answer just finding someone to spill your guts to, seeing a psychologist for the suggested 20-30 sessions or something else?

Am I just letting my thoughts run away with themselves or is there a reason to seek help at this time in my life and importantly if so what sort?

Kind regards 

Michael H

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Michael…

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums….

I have read your post a few times and it’s hard for me to reply…Ithink because I’m only a couple of years younger then you…and also went through very similar to what you did….and I’m deeply sorry that you had to go through that….

I remember going to school, meeting up with my school friends and at times they disclosed the same type of punishment*  they had received from their dad…like we did.. .I think although it’s very unacceptable today…and it’s now called abuse and it’s a criminal offence to punish a child like that……I think back then, that was the only way that they knew how….It was a different era …you know “children should be seen and not heard”…I know my parents had no time for me…Their social standing was more important to them then us kids….In saying that it was so very wrong…each generation seems to be learning from the last one…

Its really hard Michael to not remember those times isn’t it?…I’m wondering if you have reached out to your Dr..and talked to him open and honestly about how your childhood trauma is effecting your day to day living now?…They could get you a mental health care plan, which entitles you to 10 free visits with a professional psychologist/counsellor…That way it would give you the opportunity to see if a one on one with a professional will benefit you and your healing….unfortunately we cannot erase our memories, but with the help of some counselling, we can learn some coping strategies to help us when the thoughts become overwhelming….

Its never, ever to late to reach out for help…regardless of age….We all deserve to live the rest of our life in peace and some happiness….

To answer your question…yes Dear Michael, you do have a reason to reach out for help….Please don’t keep this all bottled up inside of you and try to manage it yourself…reach out to your Dr. for help…and get the help that you so much deserve and need….to help you find some peace…

My kindest thoughts Michael with my care..

Grandy..

[Fiatlux]

Hi Michael,

Welcome to the forums. 

Grandy has given you some great advice and I am sure others here will offer some great support.

You mention this, "I am doing research as to what level of punishment is acceptable"

Without going back to my own awful childhood, I did vow to never ever spank / hit my children and I never have.

What a difference this has made to our relationships. My children where always told that they could trust me and tell me everything and be honest as there was nothing that they could do wrong that I wouldn't sort out. They lived without fear of violence from me. So NO level of physical punishment is acceptable. It is so unnecessary. They are all wonderful well adjusted adults now.

I didn't get hit with a cane, my dad spanked very hard and it was accepted in our family that any adult could hit a child and the parents did very little about it. Possibly thought that we deserved it. My children were horrified that our teachers could cane us at school and it was common. It was a vicious cycle indeed.

Michael, I hope that you find the help and support that you are seeking and need to work through this. Going over past traumatic events can be hard, so we are here to support you in any way we can.

[Michael G H]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I hope your experience has not been something that has marred your life extensively. Going by your reply you come across as a fairly well balanced person. Yes dads of our vintage generally did not come across as very touchy feely sadly (maybe the war caused this) unlike our more sophisticated kids who have other very real issues to conquer.  As I mentioned I have never ever spoken about this even to my wife of 40 years. I would bring this up in my peer support group normally ( I have successfully brought up quite a few heavy issues in years gone by) but as a seasoned Grower, the previous group Organiser and a senior office bearer I have found it difficult to do so to date. Please know that yesterday just knowing that someone has taken the time to really read my story for the very first time and who probably knows how helpless you feel has lifted a big weight off me. Thank you so much. 

I know that my coping strategies in really stressful situations (anger for one) are not useful or appropriate and I really want to change this. I hope to talk with my wife and support group one day it is so hard after holding it back for this many years. 
I will take your advice and talk with my excellent GP as some practical action needs to be taken as well. I will get back to you when I have done this. 
Kind regards  

Michael 

[Michael G H]

Hi Fiatlux,

Please read my reply to Grandy as the Thank you applies to you also.

I made the same vow.  It’s a funny thing that all this time I knew mentally what happened was not ok and now strangely I feel it’s confirmed it at the heart level and that’s important.  I know it has really affected my life in situations where I panic and either freeze or get angry neither is healthy or helpful. I think this is the first step in a long journey I  need to take. 
When I signed up to these forums I thought I might have been able to pass on some of the fantastic and practical tools I have learnt from the Grow peer support program over the last 14 years. Because I have changed a lot and am now a Seasoned Grower there can be a tendency to expect me to help others and also if I can’t fix something what chance have other newer people got? Unfortunately humans are not necessarily made that simply. Thanks for being there, sometimes that’s all that is required. 
Kind regards 

Michael