What the hell is wrong with men in Australia?

[Femina]

I live in Sydney & the recent incidents of violence against women has prompted me to write this.

I am a woman in my mid-fifties (look 10 years younger) living on my own in a villa for nearly 7 years now. I have an obnoxious neighbor, a single man in his seventies whom you could call an incel (involuntary celibate). His villa is next to mine & although he has a backyard, he seems to spend a lot of time in the common area in front of his villa, even sunbathing there in full view. Initially he used to peer in thru my living room blinds till I put up some thick curtains. He then began fiddling with my rubbish bins and putting his rubbish in till I moved the bins into my backyard. He then shifted his attention to my letter box, putting some gum like substance & then sticking newspapers into it. I tried blocking the letter box by filling it up with junk & he would spend hours trying to still push things in. I then realised that there was some sexual innuendo going on. Disgusted I permanently sealed up my letter box and then the next step was that he began stalking me. I also cannot sit in the living room & literally have to tiptoe across the house because if he hears me moving around inside the house, he starts making weird noises.

While all this has been happening, to cause me further stress, I also began experiencing sexual harassment at work. The man whom I shall call Geri is 65 & divorced. Geri began leering at & propositioning me since day one and didn’t seem to get the message to back-off even though I told him that I had partner. He would approach me pretending to ask a work-related question all the while staring at my chest. I managed to mitigate the situation by trying to avoid being in the office on the same days as him. What struck me about Geri was his sense of entitlement & his delusions that at 65 he was some kind of catch. Could write a lot more but restricted by the word limit!

So, what exactly is wrong with men in AU that they feel the need to control & harass women? It’s bad enough for men to be abusive in a relationship but this post should provide insight into the kind of behavior some women put up with even when they are not in a relationship!! There is talk about educating men but is it really education that is required here? Maybe allowing for video capture of incidents to name & shame would be more effective. 

[therising]

Hi Femina

You're right, some people are fully conscious and that includes being fully conscious of how to work the system. If the system dictates 'Innocent until proven guilty', as long as a person acts all innocent, they'll never come across as appearing guilty, like that guy at work you mention. I suppose, in this case, it could be about drawing as much attention as possible, so there are witnesses to certain guilty acts. Easier said than done of course.

Some people are seriously questionable, especially when it comes to how they behave. 'On what planet do you think this behaviour would be okay?' is a question I long to ask some folk.🙂

[Fiatlux]

Hi Femina,

You mentioned that you wear a wedding ring and that this still doesn’t stop men from harassing you.

It occurred to me that throughout my 36 year marriage, that I too have had men sexual harass me and some may have been honest mistakes and even when I confirmed that I was very married, that this didn’t deter some. One guy said, even better, no strings attached sexual encounters were even better. Even when I confirmed that my husband would absolutely hurt them if he was to find out, still this didn’t deter them.

There is very little respect for marriage either. Society in the past would have never accepted a married woman being propositioned but extramarital affairs are so common that it appears to be accepted that this happens.

I have been in the most unhappy marriage full of abuse but I have never thought to stray. Yet the women my husband has had affairs with or one night stands, were in relationships and aware that he too was married. I met one of them. Yucks! 

Common mutual respect is on the decline I’m afraid. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Femina]

Thanks for sharing your experience Fiatlux, I don't encounter too many women in my day-to-day life who suffer harassment from relative strangers so they are not able to relate to my anger and exasperation around this issue!

The wedding ring was initially worn to make it easier for men to accept the rejection i.e.  instead of telling a man that I wasn't interested in him, it was a lot easier for me to say that I was married. Not that I expected it would stop them from propositioning me, but at least they would be less persistent.

In Geri's case, things got a bit complicated because the manager we both reported to was also Geri's friend and I suspect that given the manager had access to my personal info (for e.g. my emergency contact is my girl friend), they both realised that I was not married. I then made up another story about the fact that my partner and I maintained separate residences as I was, from past experience, wary of dealing with splitting of financial assets in case of a separation. Geri refused to accept this as well & kept persisting. The desperation of that guy had to be seen to be believed, it looked like his 'incel' status was definitely clouding his judgement. He didn't seem to want to accept the fact that at his age, his only options were to pay for it or come to some kind of mutual arrangement with another woman in a similar situation as him!

Totally agree with your view that there is very little respect for marriage in society. I only mentioned the obnoxious behaviour of one of the neighbours in the villa complex. There is another man in his late forties who is married with a very attractive wife, and during the Covid pandemic his wife & daughter were permanently at their property on the central coast & every time I went out to get some exercise (mostly my lunch time as WFH), he would come out of his villa as soon as he heard my door opening . At first, I didn't read too much into it given that I knew he was married (and didn't know his wife was away), but I soon realised what he was after. There was also an Asian man  whose wife was pregnant at the time who did the same thing when he heard me putting out the rubbish in the area between our 2 villas. Wonder what the wives would think about their partners behaviour! I am sure the men thought they were doing me a favour because they know that I am single, wedding ring or not! This is where men fool themselves or think that I am stupid, I know that the only reason I keep experiencing this behaviour is because there is something (not really beauty) about me that sexually excites men so that they keep wanting to interact with me.  I have a lot of single friends around the same age as me and they tell me that, in their experience, they might well be invisible  to men. I have been hoping that the same thing happens to me soon given that I am in my mid-fifties. In the meantime, I am seriously thinking about investing in a hijab so that maybe I can make myself invisible that way!!