What the hell is wrong with men in Australia?

[Femina]

I live in Sydney & the recent incidents of violence against women has prompted me to write this.

I am a woman in my mid-fifties (look 10 years younger) living on my own in a villa for nearly 7 years now. I have an obnoxious neighbor, a single man in his seventies whom you could call an incel (involuntary celibate). His villa is next to mine & although he has a backyard, he seems to spend a lot of time in the common area in front of his villa, even sunbathing there in full view. Initially he used to peer in thru my living room blinds till I put up some thick curtains. He then began fiddling with my rubbish bins and putting his rubbish in till I moved the bins into my backyard. He then shifted his attention to my letter box, putting some gum like substance & then sticking newspapers into it. I tried blocking the letter box by filling it up with junk & he would spend hours trying to still push things in. I then realised that there was some sexual innuendo going on. Disgusted I permanently sealed up my letter box and then the next step was that he began stalking me. I also cannot sit in the living room & literally have to tiptoe across the house because if he hears me moving around inside the house, he starts making weird noises.

While all this has been happening, to cause me further stress, I also began experiencing sexual harassment at work. The man whom I shall call Geri is 65 & divorced. Geri began leering at & propositioning me since day one and didn’t seem to get the message to back-off even though I told him that I had partner. He would approach me pretending to ask a work-related question all the while staring at my chest. I managed to mitigate the situation by trying to avoid being in the office on the same days as him. What struck me about Geri was his sense of entitlement & his delusions that at 65 he was some kind of catch. Could write a lot more but restricted by the word limit!

So, what exactly is wrong with men in AU that they feel the need to control & harass women? It’s bad enough for men to be abusive in a relationship but this post should provide insight into the kind of behavior some women put up with even when they are not in a relationship!! There is talk about educating men but is it really education that is required here? Maybe allowing for video capture of incidents to name & shame would be more effective. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Guest_96945908,

Thank you for sharing here today. We are deeply sorry to hear about what you have been through. Sadly, you are not alone in having these experiences. Given the recent media coverage of domestic violence being declared a ‘national crisis’ across Australia, it is important we have a space to share how this impacts each of us – inclusive of all genders.

This is a really challenging topic. We want to jump in and make sure that we are engaging in a way that is respectful of the experiences of others – even if we ourselves may not have had the same experience.

We also want to make sure anyone reading here has support:

1800RESPECT – counselling and information for people affected by family and sexual violence. https://www.1800respect.org.au/ or 1800 737 732 

Blue Knot Helpline - information and support for anyone affected by complex trauma. This includes violence, abuse, neglect or exploitation. 

Beyond Blue Support Service – 1300 22 4636 or web chat or email available at http://www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport   
 
Take care of yourselves, everyone, and please do not hesitate to reach out.
 
Kind regards
Sophie M

[Fiatlux]

Hi,

I’m in my mid 50’s too and have experienced almost everything you have mentioned.

When living alone in my apartment a few years ago and also working in the corporate 

I am currently back living with my abusive husband in our family home which isn’t easy. Actually it’s dreadful.

When you ask, what is wrong with men in Australia, are you from another country or experienced better from men in other countries? My experience is that it could be better but hell it could be worse!!! It’s hard to fathom.

When people ask, ‘why doesn’t she just leave?’ Leave to where? And why should she leave! Why doesn’t he leave? Or in my case, why isn’t he behind bars? 

I have 2 sons in their late 20’s and both are better, because they want to be better than their father. They both tell me, mum, I am nothing like my father. So there’s hope.

Oh, the name and shame game sounds great, but men are so good at playing with the gaslighting. 

I feel bad about the creepy neighbour as that’s hard to get away from. I had a creepy neighbour who I managed to avoid and thanked the COVID lockdowns in Melbourne as that got rid of him.

In the corporate sector, I worked at a site for 7 years and during that time, a serial sexual harasser was dismissed and again rehired in a different position 3 times before he finally lost his job for good. He was unashamedly a serial offender. I would like to name and shame that man.

Women are no longer putting up with it and it’s no longer, till death do us part. Possibly more and more men find themselves divorced as they head into their twilight years. 

I can’t speak for men, but must would deny that they are the problem. Not All Men, but always a Man.

There are some lovely men here on BB who I wish we could clone however.

Keep safe. 🙏🏼 Fiatlux 

[randomxx]

l'll try this again unpublished first attempt. But l'm sorry for what you guys have been going through but to be so generalized is not right and wouldn't even be published if it was vice verse.

Every man l know are good men and most have wonderful relationships and marriages to mostly but if you read around bb there are plenty of men going through hell from their Australian and otherwise wives and partners. There's a story for just about anything you could dream up through here somewhere.

And unfortunately l can say l've also had the nightmares to.

Not to take anything away from the ops problem mad neighbour l've unfortunately had the female version of that one too myself. Could you report him or anything, get any vids of his bs or the cops onto him. Same with the guy at work surely you could report him, he needs it that's for sure.

rx

[Fiatlux]

Hi randomxx,

I understand that you have been through relationship turmoil and that is hard for you too.

When my sons speak to me about male on male violence I listen and respect their views and experiences. They have also experienced violent behaviour from females.

When my younger son turned 18 he started going to a few parties and he didn’t like it. The drinking culture in Australia is disgraceful. He has witnessed young females, 15-16 year olds so intoxicated that they were belligerent and aggressive. One young 16 year old lady pushed my son’s friend off a 1st floor balcony because he told her that she shouldn’t have any more to drink. It was an awful experience. My son doesn’t drink even at age 27 as he doesn’t like what it does to him either.

I discuss these issues with my sons and my son agreed that he should have intervened to protect this young lady but he feels that every man is going to look like a predator rather than a nice guy. 

The other issue is of course under age drinking and underage sex. My son at 27 has been propositioned by girls still in their teens. He politely explained that he was over 20 and definitely not interested.

Although my daughter is the youngest of the 3, she is happily married to a kind gentleman and they have a beautiful relationship but my sons are both single and have been for a while. I wouldn’t call them incels but they don’t do the dating apps. Neither seem bothered by being single either.

Random, like I mentioned there are some good guys and girls on BB. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Femina]

Thanks all for your comments & support. To answer some of your questions, I have lived here for nearly 30 years and this is not the first time I have experienced this kind of behavior both at work & from neighbours. I moved here from what was then considered a third world country (where women are mostly considered second-class citizens) to live an independent life here & stay single if I chose to but the kind of behaviour I have encountered from men has been appalling. Not at all what I would have expected from a 'western' country . I lived in America for 1 year become coming to Australia and did not have any negative experience with men as such but that was 30 years ago. I think it is a combination of racism & sexism and racial-profiling as well in my case.

Regarding the behaviour of the neighbour, I did call 1800-RESPECT to get some advise and the first thing they asked was if I could move (I own the property so not that easy). I could report to the police but it would take a lot of effort on my part to get proof & not sure if putting up cameras around my villa is legal.

The same applies to the person at work as well, he will deny it and it is difficult to prove when we are supposed to have work interactions. I did send an email to HR after I left the job couple of weeks ago but don't really expect anything much to come out of it especially  since Geri is friend's with our manager. 

From my point of view, the purpose of this post is just to highlight my experiences with numerous (20+ ) men here in AU (both born here & migrated from different countries). I wear a wedding ring & tell people that I am married but that does not stop the sexual propositioning & harassment. I also know from past experience that complaining to HR is a waste of time as it is just one person's word against the other. 

What I am struggling to understand is what causes men to behave in this way. Why do they feel the need to control women and harass women, even the ones who do not make the mistake of being in a relationship with them? Women have the right to reject men same as men have the right to reject women & harassing women or killing them in more extreme cases to get revenge is not the answer. (Acknowledge that in some cases the woman is the offender but the stats shows that these are much less common).

I read somewhere that men feel that they need to be able to take care of women but that that is a load of bullshit. Firstly, it implies that a woman is inferior & needs taking care of & secondly trying to take care of somebody who does need your care is making a nuisance of yourself. If a man really wants to take care of a woman, I would suggest visiting elderly women in an aged care facility or doing other volunteer work. Pls don't  try to choose the person you want to interact with & then pretend you are helping the person, you are only helping yourself!!

At the end of the day it is all about respecting a person's wishes & my experience has been that for whatever reason many of the men I have encountered don't seem to get this simple message.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Femina,

How are you today.

After all the rallies against violence directed at women and of course the 36 women who have been violently murdered this year already I am sorry that I didn’t quite respond to your question correctly.

Living in Australia as a single woman is becoming increasingly scary.

We never quite know which man could be the one who has an intention to harm or even kill us. 

Is it the neighbour who is a bit of a pervert or the man at work who propositioned us who we have rejected and now have to fear. Will they, would they, could they be that one man who is capable of killing us. 

As a woman who has lived with domestic violence all my life, from childhood a child who experienced violence and again as a married woman who has endured all forms of domestic violence and abuse my head has been reeling by what has happened to those who have succumbed and have been murdered.

I get your fear. I mentioned that when I lived alone there was a person who I felt could be capable of causing me harm. I had a really bad feeling about that person and I avoided them. 

When I was younger I had a few close calls when walking home late from the train station. And even on the train I had an incident with a man who pushed his groin into me on a crowded train. It was no accident either. When the train stopped I took the opportunity to turn and face him, holding my briefcase in front of my body. He was about my height and I was so angry and scared at the same time but I glared at him. I looked directly into his eyes and until he became uncomfortable and moved. I wanted to hit him in the groin with my briefcase the next time the train gave a jolt. I didn’t take my eyes off this guy in case he got off at my stop and I had to walk home again.

Its incidents like this that make me feel like I got away this time.

When my daughter was in High School she took the school charter bus even though there was a public bus that was even more convenient. But there was an incident of a guy who was stalking young girls at bus stops and he would flash at them and masturbate. So we would not risk it. This was eventually arrested as one of the girls had the courage to take out her phone and film him. It was very courageous of her. Earlier a girl from her school was attacked by a man while walking home at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. Again someone heard her screaming and came to her aid. 

The more I think about this issue, the more memories of these incidents come flooding back.

Dont let me frighten you but have your wits about you and take precautionary measures and report the neighbour even if you think the Police won’t take you seriously. You just don’t know who you are dealing with.

Have a great night and as my dear hairdresser would say to me, lock your doors and windows and let me know that you got home safely. 🙏🏼 Fiatlux 

[Femina]

Good morning Fiatlux,

                               Thanks for your support & sympathy, maybe I should have titled the post 'What is wrong with male culture that I encounter in Australia' as it seems to have offended a few people.

All the incidents you have mentioned that have happened to you, have happened to me as well. As I mentioned in my previous post, I moved from a country where such behaviour was the norm and to continue to experience this in Sydney was quite shocking to say the least. Also, like you I came from a home with an abusive father so I had made a decision when I was as young as 12 that I would never be abused by a man ever again in my life. Luckily for me I am highly educated & very intelligent and strong so I was able to get away from home after university & migrate to Australia as a highly skilled migrant. I did date a few men here but in most of them I saw some degree of control & not the equality I aspired for so by the time I turned 40, I had made the decision to remain single. Given my experiences as a child, I also had a zero-tolerance policy when it came to men behaving badly. I then found that many men could not seem to accept the fact that I was single by choice so I began wearing a wedding ring to make it clear that I was unavailable. In fact there was one man who told me that it was not good for me to be so intelligent ! Again, no respect for a women's choice & decisions.

To be perfectly honest, to deal with this issue of male violence, my view is that we should be educating young women to help them identify controlling behaviour in men early on and to  be financially independent & strong so that they can stay away from such men!. Many women have starry-eyed dreams and make excuses for male behaviour & this includes some women making excuses for their sons as well who then grow up to be abusive partners. 

I think what annoys and upsets me is that despite being financially independent and strong, I still end up being harassed by men in the 2 places that I cannot avoid i.e. my place of residence & my place of work. ( I can avoid crowded buses when going to work or pubs/clubs etc). I must also add that this may not be the experience of all women, I have a single friend who says that she is totally ignored by men and I always tell her how lucky she is! . Unfortunately, there is something about me that attracts male attention & somebody once said to me that it was 'my cross' to bear. I have also found that many women do not believe that these things can happen as they do not experience it themselves so it is good for me to find other women who have had the same experiences. Also, the men who commit such offences do not necessarily target every women. I find that a lot of men that I encounter target me hence the title of my post!

[therising]

Hi Femina

The home and workplace (two places we spend the most time in) should offer us a sense of freedom. The freedom to not be harassed or intimidated should be amongst that. You face a triggering set of circumstances and I feel deeply for you. Btw, wondering whether the place in which you live has a body corp. If so, you could try raising the issue of this neighbour with the body corp, while also asking them whether it's an issue to install cameras, especially under the circumstances where cameras may offer you some sense of freedom from harassment. I can't imagine installing cameras would be a problem if they're placed discretely, as opposed to appearing as an eyesore, altering the face of the property. Of course, it's unfair that you should have to go to that expense because of someone else.

Like others here, I know a lot of incredibly good men of a variety of ages. My son, husband, brother, father, my daughter's boyfriend and a number of other men who I know would never cross boundaries that would lead a woman to fear or feel harassed. I think a lot of it comes down to how men and women are raised. Mutual respect and mutual consideration is a part of that upbringing. Consciousness is another significant factor. If a person is only conscious of what they want or what serves them, then they lack a level of consciousness that leads them to feel for another person and how that person may be suffering. Leading someone to become more conscious becomes the goal. Whether the psychological slap (wake up call) comes in the form of an official workplace warning or a restraining order dictating a person is to keep their distance, there are a variety of ways to lead people to become more conscious. Of course, such things still won't stop some people if they're largely self focused or self serving.

While it's in our animal nature to be strongly attracted to the most attractive of people (the way they conduct themself, dress, speak, express confidence etc etc), human nature is a level up, beyond animal nature. The human animal should be conscious enough to develop a level of self control that doesn't lead others to live in fear. I think society has a lot to answer for, they way it portrays certain people as prey, objects of desire and so on.

[Femina]

Thanks for your insights @therising.

Regarding the neighbour, I did initially complain to the strata manager about the sunbathing in full view of my front door by raising the objection that he was putting his furniture on common property, but that did not get much traction. Also, it is a small body corp with only 3 members (including the 2 of us) and the other person (who is quite elderly & rents out his villa) once told me that maybe the neighbour likes me ( to which my response was that I do not like him!!) . It also needs to be mentioned that I have never spoken to this obnoxious man due to his strange behaviour when I first moved in 7 years ago, and part of his behaviour is also to get my attention. In my view, men like him who never receive any positive attention then settle for negative attention as they think it is better than being completely ignored. You would have thought that after 7 years of ignoring him he would get the message that this is not some game and that I am not playing hard to get!!! 

I don't want to make my life about putting up video camera's & reverse stalking people to prove that they are stalking me. I also don't buy the theory about the lack of consciousness. The man at work would fully well know that sexually propositioning an uninterested person in the workplace is a no-no. He also knows that he can always deny it and that I would never be able to prove it, so if anything, it is being highly conscious at some level about the fact that there will be no repercussions. It is more to do with the male sense of entitlement, sexism is just another aspect of racism where some people think that they are born superior or entitled. 

I am glad for you that you have encountered many good men in your life and I am in no way saying that all men behave in this fashion. Unfortunately, going by the stats, there are a significant number of men who behave in this manner to indicate that there might be some kind of cultural issue at play. It would be great if instead of me (and other women)  having to work-around the behaviour of these men who clearly have issues of their own, the shoe could be on the other foot & I could just lodge a complaint about them & they would have to run around proving that they were not doing what I was charging them with, but that I guess is wishful thinking! Men should be called out (hopefully, if nothing else, the man at work's HR record should indicate he was accused of sexual harassment) and maybe even the laws should allow for public naming and shaming when they behave improperly for them to get the message that they are no longer entitled to get away with such behaviour any more !!