What I wouldn’t give..

[Skwish]

Hi everybody,

I’m in the calm before the storm. That moment where you can feel the tide pull away before the wave crashes forward.

Things were going reasonably well. I’ve been free for nearly 18 months. I finally started sleeping in my bed instead of in the lounge. My tablets seemed to be doing something. I’d stopped dissociating throughout the day and my flash backs were minimal-ish. I’m working, studying and raising a superstar daughter. I thought I’d crested that hill. Success of a sort.

I went out to see a band for the first time in I don’t know how long and survived the crowds. I drank a bit to do it but I made it. Then I slept with a friend. I had three seperate panic attacks. I seemed to be ok after. Went on with life. But Its been 4 days and I can feel it. That swell before the crash. I’m not sleeping great but I’m diagnosed PTSD, insomnia, depression, anxiety so what’s new?

But I can feel it. My mind slipping at the edges. Where I just want to disappear inside my self. What I wouldn’t give for the world to stop. Just pause for a day or two. So I can catch my breath. Readjust my armour. I’m aware of everything and nothing and I’m exhausted. I try running but I can never seem to run far enough lol

So here I am writing to the internet. How is it I can survive 13 years of hell but some days it feels like I can’t survive the freedom without struggling for breath? I knew I was slamming down hard on some pretty big triggers, but I thought I needed to face life.. some sort of home made exposure therapy lol I thought it was progress but maybe it was just maladaptive behaviours sneaking through in disguise..

Ive got tools in my kit for when I’m experiencing my flash backs and panic attacks but I’ve not felt this build up so intensely before. I think the anticipation is worse. Maybe I finally cracked? The annoying thing is there’s no stopping. Life goes on. The world keeps spinning and all I can do is keep moving with it. But man... what I wouldn’t give for it to pause for just a moment.

[Croix]

Dear Skwish ~

No, you haven't cracked, nor are you going to. I can understand your feelings becuse I've much the same problems, though they were from a different source, and are much older. The reactions are much muted now though it is still a matter of steering the best course one can bearing in mind possible reactions.

You sound as if you have simply overloaded yourself wiht too many things all at once that can bring back the past, heightening your symptoms. In my case I'd call it a combination of overconfidence and impatience to be like others, but that 's just me.

Yes it would be nice if things could just stop so you could 'regroup'. Obviously they won't but I found I could lessen life so to speak, stick to very safe things, employ distraction, the comfort of someone who cares, that may be a family member or a friend who you can simply talk frankly with, and of course seek further medical aid if necessary.

The list of thngs you can do is surprisingly long, from books, music, talking with you daughter, using Smiling Mind, though to pets if you have them. It is you who will know what are good restful ideas

Incidentally restful does not mean inactive, I've found exercise in one form or another helps. Although I'm somewhat physically impaired I find walking along a riverbank looking at wildfowl, native hens chasing each other, platypus motoring along like toy boats is a tonic. Maybe you have nothing like that , but there will be something.

You never need to 'face life' as if you had no history. That is an extra burden you don't deserve, and self therapy -for me at leat is gentle and incremental. As an example I started off not being able to watch police shows at all (I was a policeman) but over time bit by bit I became more able to, and can now watch all but the most realistic and robust. This has not come about by deliberately pushing myself, but by cautious judgment and happenstance.

Do I seem to be making sense?

True the next little while might perhaps be uncomfortable but you have built up 13 years of experince, self knowledge and wisdom to rely upon and will come out OK.

Please feel you can be here anytime

Croix