Changes in life and living with PTSD

[kellyd]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forums, I joined for lots of reasons but one is because I hope discussing my PTSD and sharing my experience might be helpful for myself and others.

I've lived with PTSD for a decade or so now, as a result of an abusive relationship in my 20's. It took me years to seek help for the way I felt and only learned how connected my anxiety, panic attacks and other symptoms were to surviving that relationship after spending a lot of time working with a psychologist - something which changed my life for the better.

In the past 4 or 5 months, I have quit my job working in quite a senior role in a corporate environment (something I worked pretty hard to get to) and have started studying with the aim of working in counselling and social work. Obviously this is a pretty big gear change and it's triggered some old feelings of questioning my self-worth and abilities. I guess I knew this was a possibility because I now know how my PTSD works, but I really wasn't expecting how much I've struggled to control my reactions to my known triggers lately. I'm doing all the things I've learned to do and I've been as open as possible with my partner on what's going on. She has been incredibly supportive and I feel safe and loved. But no matter what I do or what tools I pull out of the tool kit I've built up over the years, I am fairly consumed with these negative thoughts and the anxiety that comes along with being affected by my triggers.

I'm not sure if I'm asking for help or seeking some empathy or both, but I do hope sharing my experience might start some conversations where I can be supported and supportive. I'd love to discuss how others experience their PTSD through life changes.

Take care,

Kelly

[S_D]

Hey Kelly,

Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I can relate to your post and want to congratulate you for beginning your journey studying counselling and social work! I've studied these areas too and it's helped me with identifying and overcoming some of my own traumas and triggers. It sounds like you're a high achiever with lots of awareness about your own mental health challenges and I bet thats going to really benefit the people you end up working with in the counselling field. Also i'm really sorry to hear about the abusive relationship you endured in your 20's. I'm glad you've been able to work through it with a professional. It's really lovely to hear that you now have a super supportive partner in your life. On the topic of PTSD the thing that i've been struggling with in particular lately is nightmares, i'm not sure if this has been one of your symptoms although if you have had this and have any suggestions for working through them i'm all ears 🙂

[Sean_S]

Hey Kelly,

Apologies, sincerely, if I'm off the mark, but based off what you've said it seems as though you are getting caught in a pattern I myself (having CPTSD) experience. First, there's the trigger. But if then you cannot manage it in a way that is satisfactory then frustration builds. "But no matter what I do or what tools I pull out of the tool kit" "I am fairly consumed with these negative thoughts and the anxiety that comes along with being affected by my triggers". Knowing you are being affected by a trigger, and feeling like you have no control to diminish it's power is really annoying.

It's another layer of negative emotion on top of the trigger itself. I think "I have all these skills, all this knowledge, it often works, but it isn't working anymore, why!?" And then I sometimes desperately try to recreate past success.

It's one thing to be anxious as a result of the trigger, another to be anxious about being anxious.

I also think we have periods where we feel like masters of our triggers, and we laugh heartily at how powerful we've become, but like you've pointed out, when we experience change or stressors that progress can often feel like it's completely fallen away and we lose a sense of mastery or control.

You're already doing so much right: having seen a psychologist, have a supportive partner, having no doubt a large toolset of coping skills.

Personally, if I get caught in a mental state of wanting too badly to escape the trauma induced hyper-arousal it often gives it power. Being angry at myself for getting triggered or losing resilience just makes it so much worse. It perpetuates it in fact. Because I feel I shouldn't be triggered. If you're getting caught in a battle to 'control' the triggers, it might help to relinquish any need for control for a moment or two (and I really, really mean a moment or two if that's all that's possible). Sit there and say 'I'm just going to sit here being miserable and triggered for a little while without trying to change anything".

It's paradoxical I know, but sometimes I'm blown away by it's effectiveness. Afterwards, then go about doing your distress improvement activities (practical stuff in the toolkit).

Don't hate me, but cold showers work really well if I'm in a triggered state. First sympathetic nervous reaction (physiological stress) then as your body temperature plummets, parasympathetic nervous reaction (calm). It can snap you out of those consuming cognitions.

Sean 🙂

[kellyd]

Hi Sean,
Thanks for your reply and for taking the time to put in so much thought.
You’re right that I am affected by the frustration I feel. I tend to hold myself to much higher standards than I would anyone else, so losing that feeling of “I am completely on top of this and all my triggers” is, in itself, somewhat of a trigger for me. It’s funny to think that when you step back and look at the forest for the trees, this all seems very rational and straight forward to me. It’s putting that barrier between the trigger and my reaction to give myself time to step back and think (and be kind to myself in the process) that proves so difficult sometimes.
It’s interesting you mention the idea of ‘sitting’ in the negative feeling. That skill / practice is something my [psychologist taught me as I was learning to manage my symptoms and it really has been life changing. Acknowledging my own feelings has been helpful in many ways, but importantly (for me and my specific situation) it has really allowed me to cut myself some slack sometimes and be kind to myself. I don’t know if I can do those cold showers though! 😊
I’ve caught myself really procrastinating around my studying in the past week and I see this as being somewhat connected to that fear of not meeting my own expectations (“I’m not smart enough for this”). The procrastinating has meant that sitting down to study for any extended period of time is really difficult. So I’ve started trying to implement some new habits that only take 10 or so minutes every day. And even though they’re not huge things, sticking to those has really helped. Any little reminder that I can do something I told myself I would is a good thing.
Thank you again for replying. I appreciate the discussion a lot.
Kelly

[kellyd]

Hi SD,
Thanks for your reply and your positive thoughts. It’s been helpful for me to read so many words of support from people here.
Nightmares are a really scary and at times frustrating part of living with PTSD. I’ve found it to be something that can be quite difficult at times, so I’m sorry to hear you’ve been experiencing them. I think it helped me a little to know that it’s a fairly common part of life for people living with PTSD; so, you should know you’re not alone.
I’ve found a couple of things that can make a difference in terms of a restful night’s sleep and that a restful night really does impact the frequency and vividness of nightmares and other dreams. Thing’s people talk about a lot around not eating a big meal right before sleep, avoiding caffeine at night and removing electronic devices (phones, TV) after you’ve gotten into bed have been helpful to me.
There’s also some interesting articles online around how talking to someone about your nightmares can help your brain to ‘sort through’ the thoughts and feelings that may cause some of them in the first place. If you’re interested in reading about that or other articles, I’ve found helpful in learning about nightmares and PTSD and some strategies to manage them, give me a shout. I’d be happy to share some links.
Lastly, I’d say (even though I’m sure you already know this) that working with a professional on these things and talking through the more difficult thoughts and times with someone can be invaluable. Tough at times, but still invaluable.
I wonder if you already have strategies for dealing with nightmares? Everyone finds their own way and I’m always interested to learn something new that might be helpful to me.
Take care,
Kelly

[Sean_S]

Hey Kelly,

You're most welcome.

Being kind to oneself, cutting oneself some slack, god that's so hard! I can read my own journal from 2 years ago and feel kindness and compassion towards him (past me) but bringing that into the present is a skill I haven't learnt yet.

What you're saying about studying, about procrastination and fear of not meeting self-imposed expectations, I can relate to that. It seems like you have a perfectionistic streak, as do I, and we are the worst procrastinators. It's another paradox. I care too much about doing well, so much so that I'll avoid even trying.

My time at uni has been characterized by two modes of being: working so hard that I collapse, or complete inactivity. Back and forth between the two.

I'm doing my honors degree atm and you might find some of what I'm about to say helpful for procrastination specifically.

Typically when I thought of studying it felt as though the whole weight of the world was on my shoulders. "I have to do well. If I don't I'll never succeed in life." So I'd sit down with this enormous self-imposed pressure. Then I'd be reading every sentence as if my life depended on it. I'd put every fiber of my being into reading each sentence and very quickly end up burnt out, in a cognitive fog, then the thoughts would go "I can't do this. I'm not good enough. I'm doomed". It's no bloody wonder why I procrastinate, when I'm making the experience of study so fraught with negative thoughts and expectations.

I figured out that it was my disposition, my attitude that was doing me in. I was inflating studying into a sort of monster.

I figured out that when I'm absorbed in my study my sense of self falls away. I don't think those neurotic, self-focused thoughts. I don't think about my future, my life, my success, etc. I just get lost in the subject material, absorbed in the content. I experience it then as intrinsically rewarding, and in that flow state I'm a beast. I can get so much done; and enjoy it!

So I purposefully cultivate an entirely different embodied state towards uni. To satisfy the ego (self) I say before I sit down "Now, remember, this is my damn degree. I'm paying for it after all. I have the right to enjoy it." That takes the pressure off. Then I say "Let's just start reading a bit. No big deal if you only read a couple of pages, that's fine." So I go into it with an almost indifferent attitude. And paradoxically, I do better then. I had to learn to get out of my own way.

Sean

[S_D]

Thanks for your helpful reply Kelly! I'd love to have a look at the links re: living with nightmares. I've kept a dream journal from time to time and at one point did a lot of research into lucid dreaming and when I was able to achieve this state (realising I was asleep while dreaming) it helped as I was able to change the content of the dream to be more peaceful 🙂 Seeing a professional has been great too! Hope your studies are going well and thanks again for taking the time to reply with some great tips!

[AndrewXyz]

Hi Kelly,

Thanks for sharing, I've had issues with PTSD since I was a child that started with reoccurring visions of being abandoned, follow by abuse in relationships. I always end up in abusive relationships, i'd get bullied at work, and i would always wonder, why me? why am I always being picked on, and not others?

I would constantly recall incidents in childhood where i was excluded from events, punished harshly or denied equal treatment/consideration over what i thought were trivial matters. I tried talking to some family members about it saying that i wasn't fairly treated by my family, and they'd say it's all in my, we were all loved the same, or i'm just playing the victim, and need to get my head out of the past and move on.

Those pep talks always make me feel like crap, because they were saying I have no justification to feel the way I do, and made me think that I was just weak. I ended up with major self esteem issues, and was never able to stand up for myself. It was also around 5 years ago when i was in my late 30's that some people pointed out that I had Asperger's ( now ASD). I was diagnosed with ADHD and Bipolar 10 years prior, by they had never picked up on the ASD. Even knowing about the ASD, something wasn't right. Around 2½ years ago, I was at work fixing an issue with a staff members laptop, and once that was complete, they asked if I could setup their phone for email, and I realised i was going to miss my train and the station will get noisy (when i miss that early train, the next one is in 15 minutes, so the station get very noisy as the frequency of the trains increase, and i often get tinnitus) my ears start ringing straight away. I started seeing a therapist for PTSD a few months later and to deal with work stress. I spoke to her about my family and work issues, and she told me that I was right in feeling the way i felt, and the family (and work) was in the wrong.

Hearing that for the first time helped a lot, but I still wasn't comfortable being around most family members, and it didn't change things at work. I had a colleague for the first time who didn't have the skills to do the job, and I was asked to train them. I was able show them what questions to ask, but when it came time to explain how i fix issues, i was stumped, i couldn't explain it. People tell me their problems, and the answers just pop into my head, i don't know how they get there, or when I see a problem, i remember the others times I saw the problem