Was I sexually assaulted?

[Matchbox]

About 5 years ago, back when me and my now husband started dating an incident occurred. We were kissing and he then started to use his fingers. I pushed his hand away but he kept going. I then layed down while ... I was absolutely lifeless with no enthusiasm for what was going on but he didnt read my reaction until several minutes later. It's so hard because I know this was never his intent. He is such an amazing, loyal, selfless and thoughtful guy and I want to still be with him but the realisation that I may have been sexually assaulted has really been playing on my mind. 

there's also been a couple of other times where i've said about 10 minutes before bed that i'm not in the mood, and then he will give me a massage (consented) but try and start something. I don't say no right away (maybe a few minutes later or sometimes I give in) but i'm just laying there completely still and paralysed. 

Just wondering if this is sexual assault or am I reading too much into it? I believe the first one definitely was but unsure about the other times

[Sophie_M]

Dear Matchbox,

We would like to thank you for finding the courage to post about such a personal experience. Your strength in working toward understanding what you experienced must be complimented.

We understand that once a partner says and means no, or communicates no in any way, this is the level that intimacy must not go any further. We have heard that some people make specific agreements around pretending to say no, but unless these agreements are made before the specific situation, no means no. And, it is extremely important that we respect ourselves enough to recognise our limits and boundaries, and that we respect our partners enough to not cross their limits and boundaries.

It is really important that we talk with each other about these limits and boundaries, preferrably at a time when we are not being romantic or intimate. If it does not feel comfortable or safe to bring up the topic, we would encourage you to have the discussion with a relationship counsellor, or a sexologist, mediating the discussion. The professional is trained to assist couples in successfully having these very difficult discussions.

We would encourage you to talk to your GP or mental health professional about locating a professional who is suitably qualified for this specialised type of discussion. You may also call the mental health specialists with BeyondBlue and ask them for local referrals in your area. They can be reached at 1300 22 4636.

Again, thank you for asking this important question. Remember that we are always here for you.

Warm regards,

Sophie M.


 

[Bob_22]

Hi Matchbox,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for bravely sharing your story. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with uncertainty around sexual assault.

It is great to hear that you feel your husband is an amazing person. With this in mind, it might perhaps be worth having a discussion with him around the incidences you've described and the impact it has had on you. At least this way, it might prevent any future incidences from occurring and perhaps give you some closure but it is difficult to say.

Unfortunately I do not have much knowledge or sexual abuse or assault. However, we do know that a significant portion of sexual assault is perpetrated by current and former intimate partners. To talk through some of these issues it is best to talk to a qualified professional. The first point of call I think would be the people over at 1800Respect.org.au who provide specialist counselling and support to SA survivors as well as info on healthy relationships. Additionally in NSW, we have Sexual Assault Services who I believe offer similar services as well as walk in clinics.

I hope you can find some helpful info on the sites attached as well as support here on these forums. Please feel free to update us here.

Bob