My trauma and the latest public dicussions on mask wearing

[DeltaJ]

When masks first started at the beginning of the pandemic, I was doing my best by wearing one when necessary. It has though, brought to a head some trauma which has been simmering all my life, but have been able to manage it voluntarily, and accepting that I struggle with my face being restricted or closed in. The specific source of the trauma is not certain, however I have new recollections of an incident when I was 3 years old which have surfaced with mask wearing.

As the pandemic progressed, my reaction became more and more intense, and at the beginning of 2021 resulted in full blown panic attacks with feinting and unconsciousness. I feinted no less than 9 times last year due to wearing a mask in a public place, with several repeated physical injuries and visits by paramedics and ambulance trips to ED. I have been lucky so far not to hit my head on anything. After all this incident history caught up with the local GP, I have a very strongly worded letter of exemption, which I didn't ask for, but was offered, however this does not give me much consolation, as I live in fear of being socially ostracized and told how selfish I am for not wearing a mask.

It has become so severe that the mere confrontation with someone asking me to put a mask on causes me close to a panic attack. I have also been confronted to the point that even an exemption is not accepted.

It would seem that I'm very selfish for not being able to wear a mask, and that the latest discussions are inferring that everyone without exception is strongly asked to wear one. A face shield causes me the same distress.

I am not anti mask or an anti anything, I've had my latest second booster vaccination, (total 4), I socially distance and avoid going out in public as much as I can, but I'm feeling with the latest discussions that it will be like this for the rest of my life. Mask wearing is now here to stay, even after this pandemic is long gone.

Why is it all so black and white? Why are people so judgemental without knowing someone's reasons?

My chances of being seriously injured wearing a mask is almost an eventual certainty, but I guess society is willing to see my higher chance of being hurt and the ambulance turning up than me not conforming to the cultural rules.

Every time I see the single issued conversation about the importance of masks, I just don't think I can go on facing it.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi DeltaJ,

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences.  It's hard enough to not be able to wear a mask, let alone all the judgement from people who don't understand (or try to!).

It is a black and white mentality around masks; either you believe in COVID-19 and you wear one, or you don't care and you don't wear one, when the reality is there's a big spectrum there and many many valid reasons to not wear a mask.

It sounds like you're having a tough time whether you wear a mask or not, so what have you decided to do? 

I did read one of your last posts and saw you were having a chat with a telehealth psychologist which is a good idea.  I'm not sure if that ended up being helpful?  One of the other things that has worked for people with trauma is playing around and experimenting with different masks; while masks as a whole can be traumatic to wear, there might be some fabrics or colours that are more comforting than others.

I hope the rest of the community can offer some more suggestions or support.  You're not alone in what you're experiencing even though I imagine it feels this way.

rt

[DeltaJ]

thanks for your reply. I forgot I had already vented about the mask issue. I kept being told by health workers that it will come to an end at some point, but I've always been skeptical. Just as I thought, we are now into the next wave and this will not be over anytime soon. My psychologist telehealth sessions have gone from one person to the next. While they have all been nice people to talk to, I have very little confidence that there is a solution. My issue with face coverings runs deep, so too the mask scenarios in public which cause me increasing distress.

The experimental phase with types of face coverings has passed me quite some time ago.

I live constantly in anxiety as I watch the awful rhetoric currently unfolding in society with unsympathetic dialog towards people with my plight. 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi DeltaJ,

That's no worries at all.  Yeah it certainly does feel neverending.  I think part of this wave is because South Africa (where the variant is originated) doesn't have enough people vaccinated, so the virus changes as more people are unwell.  I'm sharing this because I do believe at some point it will end, that we will treat it like the common cold and flu.

I'm sorry to hear you've had one after the other with psychologists, but I'm a firm believer in a problem not being too deep for a psychologist!  Did these psychologists provide trauma therapy?

Please let us know how we can support you.

rt

[DeltaJ]

Until now, the more recent people I talked to recommended I talk to someone specialised in trauma. I am currently talking to someone who has a lot of experience with trauma, but so far don't have any more confidence than previously. One of the problems is, that practitioners are so busy, and sessions are just too short to really get anywhere. It's a problem with any support I have. Time is so limited that I'm left dangling just as I start to get into it.

I really feel I'm the only one with the mask issue so severe, and feeling very lonely about it.

Even today I had to go to an allied health appointment, a medical exemption means very little, and I'm managed the same way as someone who is anti-mask. I was stressed beforehand and couldn't bear the thought of interrogation, so I tried to push through with a mask on. It ended in acute stress and feinting and an ambulance called. I came home ok at the time, but have a very sore head with a headache and nausea, but I'm hoping it will pass in a day or two. I had already inquired a while back about any onsite longer programmed therapy for this,  but ironically requires a mask by law, and is not accessible to me 😞

Thank you so much for your offer of help,

but I don't feel anyone will be of any help to me, I just need a place to vent my feelings 😞

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi DeltaJ,

Oh no!  You have had a rough time. 😒

Well this space is yours to vent for sure.

In the meantime, I'll see if I can find some other users/people who share your experiences.  I think the reality is there's so much shame around trauma and mask-wearing that some just aren't speaking up.  

rt

[mmMekitty]

Hello Delta J, 😺

I'm sorry I didn't see your Discussion until this morning.

I too, am unable to wear a face mask. I was under a mental health care plan & saw a psychologist, with the hope of being able to vercome my anxiety & panic whenever I tried to wear one. My immediate response to trying to wear one was intensely triggering of a past trauma. I've been dealing with my past for a long time, yet still this came up as a 'new' issue. After a few session she wrote a letter for me,too. I haven't had to even show it but a few times. It is very confronting when someone approaches holding a mask out & asking that I put it on.

Fortunately, when I do go out, I am most often with my helper, & she pipes up & explains & someone , maybe it's her confident manner, people don't give us much schtick about it.

I'm fortunate in that I can use a shield, but I don't think they are very effective, with all the open area around the edges.

I would wear a mask, especially while numbers are high. 

I have health issues, so I really don't want to get it, risking more severe illness.

I can't see myself overcoming this anxiety/panic problem with masks any time soon. I quickly realised every time I failed to keep it on more than 30secs, was only making it more difficult to tolerate.

I'm isolated a lot now. Barely seeing more than my two helpers each week.

Today I talk to my Psychiatrist, facetime by phone, from home, because of this problem. We've been doing ordinary phone calls, & now facetime calls since early 2020. 

You are welcome to go to my profile, (click on my name there next to my picture) & find the Discussion I posted in September 2021 , soon after joining BB. It will be obvious which Discussion I mean.

I'm so sorry you've had the experiences you've had, & for you,, I think, these severe panic reactions only makes it worse for you.

I hope you are able to access the therapy you need, because I doo, fear we might never be able to go about our business as we did before 2020, though I am still hopeful, it won't be forever. Or I must  accept more risk than I am currently comfortable with.

Warmest, 💖💖💖

mmMekitty

[DeltaJ]

Hello mmMeKitty,

thank you for your reply. I had a bit of a read through your message trail. I know I'm not alone in the trauma mask problem, but I am feeling a bit on my own when it comes to the severity of the symptoms. I wish I could just have a conscious panic attack, and make a choice to remove myself from the situation, but my feinting comes on too quick to reason that out. The anxiety build up to entering a medical facility is as bad now as the physical mask wearing, which is why I irrationally try to put a mask on to go in as I'm a bit angry, upset and defiant about the situation. To make things worse I lack assertiveness with other people and am too scared to stand my ground. When it comes to support when confronting these situations, I am totally alone in the world and have no one to accompany me. I am still feeling quite unwell from last week's incidence and did ring nurse-on-call on the weekend as my headache and nausea will not budge, and just wanted some reassurance that rest would make it pass. Predictably they suggested going to ED with a suspected head injury, which is out of the question. I don't think I hit my head, but may have got a bit of whiplash concussion. Quite ironic when I said in my previous messages that I haven't as yet hit my head! A no win situation for me. I've decided to cancel any further allied health appointments as it's all just futile. I know you and others are saying that it will eventually come to an end, but I think the culture of mask wearing in health settings is here to stay now, so it means I'm not entitled to health care as I don't fit the norms.

Sorry for my words to sound a bit self absorbed, but I'm having trouble getting passed my own challenges right now.