Very confused

[Somebodyhelp]

This is a cry for help..
I'm in a very dark place today. My 3yr old and 2yr old are at preschool today. My 1yr old is in hospital with my husband (this is her 4th week in there). I am at home alone. I am NC with my Narc mother and I do not have a father around. My best friend is overseas and my sister at school.

Last Thursday at my psychologist appointment she told me my husband was abusive which was a bit of a shock to hear.. I have been thinking about it a lot and I thought maybe I have painted him wrong to her. The other day my 2yr old was playing on my phone and my husband sent a message and my son was able to respond to the message.. with the help of autocorrect etc my son wrote 3 messages "mmm bench x" "she" and one of the generic messages you can send "ill call you later".
My husband called and my son brought the phone to me. He told me not too come up and see our daughter as he was too tired. An hour later he asked me if I was cheating on him?! He put 2+2 together and came up with 7! He didn't believe those messages where from my son playing on my phone .. I am breaking my back here trying to keep this end running and this is what he thinks? He phone last night and was asking me what's going on.. I said it's not the time to fight - we need our energy and focus on our daughter. He insisted so it was the first time EVER I have stood up for myself. I was very calm and kept my emotions at bay the whole conversation. I said I am miserable, you control every aspect of my life - the one time I decided to get a night job he counted my money to make sure I was working the hours I told him I was. He then made me "pick" him or my job. I obviously quit. When I brought all his up last night he told me I should have been more supportive towards his insecurities. He told me he wants to seperate for good as I am so unsupportive. He ended up calling me a bitch and I hung up. So here I am, challenged my husband for the first and that was my response.. I am so confused!

[Starwolf]

Hi Somebodyhelp, good to meet you.

Reading your post, your situation sounds somewhat familiar. I once left a couple of narcissistic relationships so I think your psychologist hit the nail on the head. I suggest you google Narcissistic relationships and narcissistic personality. Seeing it all laid down on the screen will help you realise what it is you are confronted with at home.

From the narcissistic point of view, nothing is ever their fault. Those affected find it extremely hard to budge from there. So he probably wouldn't agree to joint counseling sessions...though you can try.

Obviously, he has had control over every aspect of your life. Understandably, it makes you feel miserable, worthless, unheard. Part of the issue lies in whatever it is that makes us comply with such "arrangements". In my case, it was a childhood of abuse that set the pattern for future toxic relationships. It means I had to shed conditioning to quit intolerable situations and move on.

Your life is not here to be lived by proxy, according to someone else's expectations. A relationship shouldn't impose a life where one person becomes a shadow while the other retains substance. Kudos to you for standing up to your husband but the question remains...where to from here ?

This is a question only you can answer. Are you willing to settle for more of the same ? In my view, you deserve much, much better than that. You are entitled to being loved and appreciated for who you are. You don't treat people you love like that. In a narcissistic relationship, love is confused with the need to control (due to personal insecurities).

How do you see your future ? I think you'll need a few soul searching sessions to help you answer these important questions. Your psychologist could guide you through this process. I'd recommend an honest, open talk with her.

The fact that you have posted here and shared your concerns means that you are distressed and feel the need for change. Putting your thoughts in writing would help clarify them to yourself. You'll be amazed what comes up from free reining mind to paper...often an eye opener.

Kindest thoughts.

[Neil_1]

Hi there SBH,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for being able to come here and provide your post.

Oh boy, there’s certainly a lot going on here … you said you were shocked by what your psychologist said … but they must have only gained that impression from what you’ve told them?

Am I also reading it right, that your husband is staying at the hospital with your daughter and is not living in your home at the moment? Did he also suggest you separate via the phone or text? That sounded a bit harsh.

With your marriage, do you feel like it’s a good fit … for you? You did however say that you were miserable, which is not a good way to be. I mean, this is a huge thing that’s coming up for you … is there no way of getting in touch with your best friend who’s overseas? Does she know the background of how everything is for you?

Also one last thing … name calling is weak, cowardly and disgusting … but for that to occur by your husband !! I’m sorry, but that’s totally not on. I’m glad you hung up on him.

I’m not sure if my response has helped at all … and there should be others come along and provide some support to you also. Also, sometimes it can help even just a little by posting on here. Just to get things off the chest.

Kind regards

Neil

[Somebodyhelp]

Hi Starwolf,

thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post!

Yes my mother has Narcissist Personality Disorder.. my childhood was full of every kind of abuse known to man. I cut her off last year. Unfortunately, i think I've fallen into another toxic relationship. I should of seen the flags but I didn't, I missed them.. all! I don't think he is Narcissist as he is not even comparable to my mother. In saying this, I rebelled against my mother. I comply with my husband. The moment I challenge him, takes me straight back to childhood. Damn it, how didn't I notice the charming-ness?

I have done some soul searching since he has been gone. I am very nervous with 3 young children and I am on 24 myself.. but I do not want to live in this cycle all my life. I want to break it. I want better for my children and I think I have enough strength to do it.. I hope.

Thank you so much.

[Somebodyhelp]

Hi Neil1,

Thank you so very much for responding!

Yes she was asking me about my marriage and I was explaining my concerns. I painted the picture of how I felt and it was a shock! I was raised in a very abusive household growing up (I am only 24) so I think I fell into this relationship knowing I had my own issues and turning a blind eye to his.. It was my normal. He has been physical with my a few times and I have accepted the fact as not a big deal. I have accepted the control as not a big deal. When my psychologist pointed it out.. I did not realise this was abusive behaviour. Now that's been brought to my attention - I want out! I don't want to be people's punching bags anymore and I definitely don't want my kids learning this behaviour.

My husband can provide the most WONDERFUL life.. if I comply. But that means losing myself and everything that means anything to me. I am getting help for my issues and I would like better - for us all!

Yes, he is a name caller. I hate it. Puts me back in my box real quick.

[Neil_1]

Hi there SBH,

Really great to hear back from you.

No-one, absolutely no-one should be treated like a punching bag or anything remotely similar to this. It is very pleasing to read that your psych has picked up on this for you and hopefully will continue working with you to sort through this and to provide you with the support that you need.

It’s also brilliant that you’ve been able to come here and provide your posts … to get things down, can also sometimes have that ‘moment of clarity’ where you think … “hey, this isn’t really right … this shouldn’t be happening”. But then again, as you said, if that’s the kind of situations that you’ve only ever known, it would be difficult to realise what is expected or how a particular individual should behave.

But being physical, abusive, name-calling and so much more like that is simply not on. People like that should be put in “their” place and not vice versa.

Apart from your psych, I really hope that you have other networks or supports that you can call on in the upcoming time, so that you aren’t alone through this.

Please also know that there IS better out there … and that this is something that you will be able to strive for and find.

In the meantime, please feel free to be here as often and post away as you like … while we’re not able to provide any actual physical support, we’re just a keyboard away to provide advice, support and help wherever and whenever we can.

Kind regards

Neil