Unrequited friendships or low self-esteem?

[Rowen13]

How do I know if a friendship is worth it? I told my online friend that I really loved and cared for him as a friend. He told me he liked and cared for me.

After knowing him and sharing my darkest moments and secrets, it hurts that the emotional/energy level is not reciprocated.

I know I have an anxious attachment style and my last girl friend never loved me back either. He knows about this and I have explained how much it hurts and how I worry that the same friendship dynamic is repeating.

l'm tired of always being the one that cares more? Should I try to care less or just cut ties with my friend and move on? I'm aware I can't control his feelings but I find because I am going through a difficult time in my life already..it's really affecting my self esteem and mental health.

He says he wants the friendship but I wonder if it's better to just cut ties and work on my anxious attachment style. So I can find a friend that I don't continually chase and the emotional investment is more equal.

He use to reply and text all the time and now everything I say seems to irritate him and he never initiates contact. I try to get him to see the friendship is already over but he always repeats that he is fighting to keep me in his life.

I know in every relationship that someone always feels more but after everything we have shared and the level of trust I put in to letting him see the "real" me...it just hurts that I know deep down that I am disposable to him and all the time spent and conversations meant nothing.

Opening your heart and being vulnerable and feeling undervalued just hurts. 

I know I am the only one keeping the "friendship" alive because, that's not a friendship at all.

[randomxx]

Hi there rowen and a wave too to er.

Rowen haven't read the whole thread just the first and then a few here trying to catch the latest.

But the friendship thing l def' relate especially in it's online way . Just one thing l've been wondering though with what l have read , is that could you just kinda slow it down a bit in that case then , just from wheat l've read ?

As l say l might've missed some crucial turn in here about him or has he turned bad or whatever but in the first post it mainly seemed that you'd just felt stronger toward him and had become so attached . Tbh l'm wondering on that level myself right now actually about ex gf bc we're still in touch all the time too but it is only in messaging and calls as we're 1200k apart. She's just a touch older than you. We aren't on the phone or messaging all day n night but it can be at times though, others a few days between or others might be 3 and 4hr phone calls.

l have also been wondering how healthy it is for us of late though too and that whether l should be stepping back a bit or what too.

He did sound in your first post though that he does still want the friendship and that it does mean a lot to him but he also sounded as if he knows it isn't actually going anywhere romantically though and so he's also getting on with life a bit too. Just wondering if you could try working on that yourself, keep the friendship but your life moving too. Maybe you can have both.

Sorry if l missed something crucial.

All the best

rx

[Rowen13]

Hello rx,

I have wondered this myself. So easy to put the blame on others and be the innocent victim. So much to think about. On-line friendships are difficult because, as he himself said, he felt the cause of our demise was the medium with which we communicated which lacked the ability to read tone, body language and micro expressions etc.

Still there was area's I'm not sure I can forgive him for and area's I can't forgive myself. I overthink and I love strongly, it's not in my control but to a degree the experience has taught me where I went wrong. I'm one year older than him but I only grew up at 50. And no I don't want his romantic love since he is married (or even if he was single) but until I know what I actually do want, there's no point in reaching out.

He doesn't block me but sits and waits, like he says he always will. I step away because I realise I need my love more than I need his. Anxious attachment doesn't thrive under abandonment, but he never ran, I did continuously. I mean like 15 times or so...extreme severe anxious/avoidant attachment style. Of course this brings feelings of shame, which is quite common. I can see the mistakes but can't take back a single one and I have said sorry soooo many times, it has no value at all. 

So I'm taking time for me, because I need "me" back. If I ever go back it won't be the same, I've hurt him so much he wants me to take his limited trust and be happy. I don't believe this is a healthy foundation for a friendship, so am I demoted to an acquaintance?!? Perhaps that's what he always saw me as. I can't trust him, knowing his level of trust in me. We both deserve more...trust and respect. 

8 days no contact, not for mind games but to gain clarity and peace. But I miss my friend, silly thing is I know in the end, we will both be okay, but yet my heart is heavy. Never knew someone on-line and someone you just had telephone conversations, could be someone you really cared for.

Looking back he built up his wall silently to protect himself, he remained loyal, forgave but wouldn't forget. I can't accept an un equal emotional connection. Life is too damn short. This imbalance would just further lessen myself self value. 

I guess my take away is, never abandon yourself or trust anyone completely. Trust must be earned slowly, over time and your pain revealed when you are comfortable. I went against the very essence of who I was and I feel manipulated by him to a degree. He is not dumb and only a little younger and way more worldly, he knew what he was doing. So I question without emotion, does he really deserve me? It's hard to trust your gut when your lenses were distorted by childhood trauma that continues to this day. Boundaries are the major highlight, the very thing that should be the foundation for any relationship going in. It shows what you will tolerate and they get to voice what they will tolerate. If you don't match, you don't waste time, energy and your peace of mind.

I hope you look deep inside, find your answer to what would be the more healthier approach to your situation. You are worthy of happiness and individuation in all relationships are healthy. Sit with the problem and just maybe the answer will find you.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.

And if you read this ER...take care of you.

Wishing you both the best,

Rowen13 😊

[randomxx]

Hey Rowen.

There's a lot to it and to yourself, him to by the sounds especially being married. lf he loves he's w he'll be torn every which way but also won't have anywhere near the extra energy and time for you especially if it isn't romantically.

Hard to say what he feels bc if married and loyal there'll be all kinds of those guilts too but added to your complications which are pretty big, and then 15 times on top of that plus it sounds like you need far more than he can give but then if it's only friends then l think that's way too much. l wouldn't be involved with a women needing that sort of stuff just as a friend myself..

But hearing some of your ways too , after my divorce there was someone else for a awhile bf this gf ex. l think she was bpd she'd go 3 wks on the clock and then blow us up - again !!!! over and over. ln between she'd be l can't even explain we were just so much so special , but thennnn- boom, everytime.

In between the booms though she'd also poke sometimes and just come out with the strangest things and l mean these were things. Things enough to make me walk right there and then or hang up or whatever the case. l can't even remember the sort of things she'd come out with now , 8yrs ago, but they were crazy stuff and enough to make me think many times l not even dealing with that bs where do l even begin.

ldk for sure if she was bpd and shrink friend of mine said though it did sound like it but she was never professionally diagnosed.

Weirdest thing for me reading what you've said though is that you actually realize it, acknowledge it, your even sorry over and over.

She wouldn't do any of that, was as if it didn't even happen and she'd just be back to her loving self.

[randomxx]

PS, gf ex wasn't any of that yet she was very similar to her goods ironically, they were even weirdly from the same country , that was just bizarre, couldn't have written it.

That first girl though it didn't last long bc of her stuff and blowing us up constantly, in the end l was done. GF ex on the other hand although so bizarrely similar was a totally different person and partner. The only problem was she did come with her own set of other very big problems in the beginning too , just different but there was also severe anxiety on top of it and other things too.

l can pickem right.

Sadly 6yrs well , but we are still in touch a lot l know though that if someone else comes along that will have to stop. l'm ok with that though as l know it will have to be and that l'll want and need to just focus on the future.

rx

[Rowen13]

Hello rx,

I will have to state I am not professionally diagnosed as having bpd, just came across it on YouTube and I ticked some of the boxes. I have never been professionally diagnosed with anything. It's frustrating but I can't share everything on a public forum like this, nor would I. I can't and would never share all of my darkest secrets, but he certainly got a lot with his ongoing encouragement to share really early. Red flag. He didn't think we needed boundaries, another red flag. He was attracted to me, huge red flag. I should of ran far and fast. 

Secondly we are all broken in some ways, we all have strengths and weaknesses, the capability to do good and bad. 

If you're attracting, perhaps subconsciously a certain type of woman in your life, perhaps ask yourself, why are you attracting this type of energy or dynamic? Not putting full blame on anybody's shoulders, just food for thought. 

I could analyse my ex friend til the cows came home but it wouldn't make any difference. I have my thoughts that strongly lean to him having certain traits connected to a mental illness. But I will never know. That's the whole point, all he said about his wife, his life, since I can't trust him...it's all mute now. He's reached out to me and I have not responded. What's left to say?!? What can I believe??? If he told me the sky was blue, I would have to stick my head out of the window and double check lol. I apologised for my behaviour and past words that hurt him. But he hardly apologised for his actions. He has little empathy and I initially thought he had asphergers. I looked for reasons for his behaviour and tried not to think the worse. Idk.

Yes I miss him but I would miss anyone whom established a habit of texting 11 hours per day for 9 months. The dependancy was formed and I am facing the aftermath of the habit and its withdrawals. I think, although I wish it wasn't so that he was a lesson, not a blessing. I know that he thought since he was more educated than I was, I was not as intelligent. Perhaps he is right. 

When all is said and done, so corny and but true...you have to love yourself. The good and the bad. Because in everyone's story (except for very special circumstances) you both played a part in your relationship. No absolute black and white. No complete villan and complete innocent victim. Accept for special circumstances.

I'm trying to forgive myself, since there were sooo many signs and I handed him all the weapons to use and hurt me. 

I knew about the narcissist and I prefer them but the covert one, harder to detect and you already welcomed them in your home with a smile. 

I have to look within now, it is terrifying but it's better to do it, instead of attracting the same people in different forms. And repeating the same self sabotaging pattern over and over.

I hope you are happy by yourself. 

Take care and be kind.

Rowen13

[randomxx]

Hey again Rowen.

First thing jumps out at me between the lines is that he was no saint either then but tbh , it sounds a bit like that someone l knew way back when - maybe we were just all wrong. lt's too bigger story and beginning to go into here but those things could also explain her sabotaging and weird stuff .

Anyway , on your front you know, you two do not sound good for ea other and tbh l think this is the blessing - especially if he really does have a narc side.Just wondering and you might've talked about it somewhere but were you always the way you are or did he just bring it out in you ?

Funny thing about gf ex though, l actually went for her bc well not only did she just push all the right stuff but she was a totally opposite partner to that other one in very important ways to me and really that part didn't change. She was really something in those ways all l could ever want . But eh most guys still would've ran though with her other stuff that was going on.

You take care too and try to unwind your mind a bit hey.

Ha , says me who's just about to start a new thread on depression.

rx

[Rowen13]

Hi rx,

I think the people we are drawn to and I also mean platonically, give us something, that we should be giving ourselves. My story is always going to be blotchy due to privacy issues but he met me at a vulnerable time.

I miss him badly today, because he was a place to vent I was in extreme emotional distress being in contact with my mum provides. I looked after my mum this morning and I feel depressed and hopeless as per usual. So he usually lifted me up, with false dreams, but it was a lovely lifeline lol. You ring up a helpline and I have to retell the whole story, whereas he was up to speed, knowing my past and present circumstances. It gets exhausting rehashing my past trauma but I am trying to deal alone. 

Sorry I went on a tangent, what I was going to say earlier, the women in your life were perhaps giving you something emotionally that you weren't giving yourself. Now, don't get me wrong, a healthy dynamic will consist of a equal partner who supports you etc, but we ideally should be seeing to our mental, emotional and physical health by ourselves. The presence of a significant other, should be a bonus and enhance your life. I had my friend being my crutch and he loved the role, being a paramedic, it was his comfort zone. 

Is he a narcissist? I can't say. Did he use me to a degree? Perhaps. I find a few married men, like to say there married up front, so no guilt lies at their feet. I don't wish to have a marriage like his, but I am not there. I essentially don't have the facts, so what's the point. What I am going through is common, in missing him and it will pass. 

Was I always anxiously attached? Again, perhaps it laid dormant (my mum is narcissistic and didn't provide unconditional love) so I was never sure of my value. Did it affect my relationships, no, not until I was 39 years old. I was normal...now I look crazy lol. But it's a coping mechanism picked up at childhood or because of the damage done when I was little. It's worse now because, I trust no one. I could of subconciously of done this all along, but now that I'm aware of it. The loneliness is more pronounced, because who do I call? Who can I trust? Building of trust is a slow process, hence the loneliness pandemic. 

Definitely hard to chill. I hope you find some peace in your story.

Take care,

Rowen13:)