trouble after divulging to my parents **trigger warning - sexual abuse**

[b_abbey]

Hi there. Thanks for looking. I have a problem with my family since I divulged I was sexually abused by my brother when I was 10-12ys old. He is 5 years my senior. Another girl, who lived near us growing up - came forward & said she was abused by him, & when my parents told me she came forward - I took the opportunity to say "me too". At first I thought the response was quite good. My mother said "I'm sorry that happened to you" and my father was absolutely mortified. As time has moved on (3 years since I told them) I have tried to broach the subject & these comments were the responses (yes - I practically remember word for word):

(1) This is very embarrassing for the family, please don't tell anyone

(2) let's bury this in the back yard shall we?

(2) we think you might have "false memories"

(3) you are torturing us. You didn't tell us - so whose fault is that?! We would have done something if you had of told us! (angry tone)

(4) & finally, just a couple of months ago "just get over it!!" in a very hostile tone - both of them said it twice & then they hung up on me, so we haven't spoken since

So I bought it up with them those 4 times in the last 3 years. Obviously they are finding it difficult to handle. I was hoping they would help me heal - yet it's not going as planned!

Was I expecting too much? I feel like I want to cut ties because perhaps they care more about their reputation, than their child's wellbeing, and then I consider well - I have damaged their wellbeing. And then I consider - only one person is at fault here, which is NOT me! I do wish I had never told them now. I do feel -not speaking up- is not exactly the best course of action either - and I'm worried he has done this to more survivors.

I feel they are blaming me, or they just don't want to know. It doesn't help that the abuser is now a dr & he was the golden child, and he lives close to them & is in their ear suggesting this "false memory syndrome"

They don't believe he abused the other girl in my street - so that's 2 of us they say they don't believe? On another occasion he was caught peering through a window at myself and another kid when we were in the bath when we were in 5th class. But I have no idea if he got into trouble for that or not - I think my mother just didn't tell my father 😞

Any advice? thanks for listening

[Rubybleu]

I’m so sorry that you are experiencing this from both your parents. It must be so difficult considering your abuser is your brother and their son.

I was sexually abused as a child by a step parent for a year. I only recently told my family about it and my mums reaction was laughable. Not once did she say that she was sorry that I went through that, that she wishes things had been different - instead she made it about herself - how she feels cheated, how hard it is for her!!!!!! This is a guilt reaction from her and she doesn’t want to take any responsibility for what happened even though she openly admits she noticed my abuser flirting with me and read my diary which had the abuse written in it. Just the other day she noticed a self help book for childhood abuse survivors and she asked who this was for and was it for my current study and I’m like ‘no it’s for me’ and she just didn’t get it. After me saying it three times to her she finally got it.

Sorry I’ve just gone off on a huge vent to you. I just thought you might like to hear my experiences as similar to yours.

If you want to keep contact with your parents maybe suggest seeing a therapist together but if they are still flat out denying that it happened to you I don’t think I could continue a relationship with them

[Swimmer2]

Really sorry about the lack of support from your parents. I suggest you see a counsellor asap. There is such a thing as mandatory reporting to police for alleged sexual abuse especially for people with contact with public. But before you consider this please talk to professional first. Don't expect help from family. You need to think through options with an experienced counsellor who understands family complications.

[ecomama]

Dear b.abbey and others who've experienced sexual abuse

I'm so sorry this is "where your parents are at".... my reaction to reading your post and Rubybleu's post was OMG omg omg omg.

I'm just so sorry.

Did the girl down the street report to Police?
Have you?

IDK why no one has if no one has.

"Burying it in the backyard" is SUCH a disgusting reaction.
IDK why your parents are saying these things.

I'd report straight to Police. But if I knew back then what I know NOW, I would have gotten Legal Advice from a Lawyer first. And probably engaged a Lawyer also for my daughter.

My very young daughter disclosed during an interview at Court for another matter and I AM GLAD it was reported straight away. I would have done EXACTLY the same.... but as I said engaged a Lawyer first.

I fought for No Contact of perp to my child. And won.

I am extremely concerned about other victims but I also do whatever I can for my daughter.
OFCOURSE I BELIEVED HER.

Perpetrators lie. Victims have no reason to IME.

Your parents are not behaving in a caring manner or IMHO a LEGAL manner allowing a person to be a Dr who's done these things. Lord knows what it's doing to it's patients.

My daughter said this year that she wished she never told anyone and I was horrified!
I feel for her going through so much since disclosing, clearly she went through too much abuse all her life.

She said she thought by disclosing at 10yo that "it would all go away" my darling girl... it did go away. The abuse stopped via No Contact. But the memories haven't.

She has many free psych appts yet to use if she needs it. And a Victim's compensation payout waiting for her at 18yo.

Please don't allow this to define you. You are far more powerful than this AND the denyer's reactions.

YOU know the truth.
You can go through legal avenues to have the truth revealed more.

Absolutely 1 billion percent NONE of this was your fault.

I was told by a psych that there is one common denominator for a better recovery for victims... that is when their mother believes them.
I'm a mother.
I believe you.

I wish your mothers did too and I'm disgusted that they don't.

Lots of love and healing Prayers to you all.
EM

[ecomama]

Dear Rubybleu

What a horrible reaction. Your mother seems extremely immature.

Whilst denial seems the "go to" for both b.abbey's parents and you mother too.

I really urge you to seek Counselling and any other MH support you need.

These reactions from people who are "supposed to love and care about us" is NOT good enough.
It can make a victim become very angry indeed.

That's how my daughter was BEFORE she disclosed.... plain angry and volatile.
It all makes sense now.
At the time I had NO idea what was going on.

'Betrayal to her'??? what even IS that?
The abuser is a CRIMINAL.

It's a betrayal of trust for YOU as a child.

I urge you all to report and do it asap.

I hope b.abbey can go with her friend to Police and as I mentioned to her, I would seek Legal Advice first.

There's a FREE Women's Legal Service that are absolutely awesome to get support from.
They can guide you and support you the whole way and beyond.
They did with me with support for the entire number of cases I went through.
The disclosures happened in the middle of a number of Court cases against a very cunning perpetrator.

WLS stayed with me the whole way.
Although I did engage Lawyers and Barristers all over the place.

I would do ANYTHING for my daughter.
In fact I'm in Counselling for PTSD and feeling of tremendous guilt that this DID happen to her.

My daughter is recovering in ups and downs.

You will too.

Lots of love EM

[Rubybleu]

Thank you so much for your response. It makes me so happy to hear how supportive you are of your daughter.

My mother has a lot of narcissistic behaviours and this is a good example of one. She can never be the one at fault whatever the situation.

Im currently in the middle of a legal investigation against my abuser. Things are moving painfully slow right now.

[ecomama]

Dear Rubybleu

You may need ALOT of support, I know I did and I wasn't the primary victim.
Not of this as a child.

I really encourage you to seek ALL and ANY support you can to help you through this nerve wracking ordeal.

I mentioned WLS above.
Also 1800RESPECT have awesome Counsellors and they can put you through to a Trauma Psych... I've phoned them countless times and left my name and my children's names... they keep a record and their notes help the next Counsellor / Psych get up to date by quickly reading the notes.

You can phone them ANY TIME 24/7 and I have always felt so much better and calmer after each call.

I held back getting help for so long and then I just couldn't manage alone any more.
I wished I'd called that helpline ALOT earlier.

It's there for YOU and I really wish you could be supported by your mother too but you always have here ie the Forums and I will be thinking of you. Praying for you also.

Speaking in person to psych WHEN we are at our wit's end is of paramount importance to maintaining whatever mental health you have left to face Court etc.

It was hell on wheels for us.

But we made it through.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU for reporting! So proud.

Once a person reports you can also contact Victim's Services in your State and I've found them beyond awesome too. They put in CCTV for us as we will probably always be at risk until those abusers & their families pass away.

There's also The Red Heart Foundation mostly for women escaping Domestic Violence situations and who've experienced Family Violence also. You have. They are on FB and are the BEST group of the strongest and most afraid women you'd ever know.
But they've got it all together in how to help you deal with Courts etc.

You may not get the OUTCOME you want but 99% of that is out of our hands.

I'm here to help wherever I can.

I hope you can all find peace in your day.
I'm so glad you've survived.

Lots of love and many Blessings
EM

[b_abbey]

Thank you so much everyone here for replying and offering such kind thoughts and encouragement. When I have a little more time I will come back and read again... I am needing to head off now.

Very supporting, thank you all Be back soon ❤️

[b_abbey]

Oh Gosh! Thank you for sharing your experience. It sounds like your mum doesn't "get it" yes. I agree - to ask my parents to go to counselling with me - I can try and ask them. Not sure if I will get anywhere! But yes that is on my mind. I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's hard to fathom your mother read your diaries - & still doesn't get it! Is it ignorance and denial all thrown in together? Is it so deep - the denial - can be considered narcissistic? Especially if it's all about her & the difficulties she faces. I often wonder whether my parents have narcissistic traits. Thanks for sharing and offering support 🙂

[b_abbey]

Thank you for responding! Yes I reported the abuse to brave hearts, and then they asked if I would fill out a SARO, which I did, but I haven't posted yet. At times I want to walk into a police station and JUST DO IT! I'm so afraid of my families reaction & being abandoned by them. I am also afraid of the court process and how to deal if there is not enough evidence. I am afraid of so many things. Yes, I will speak to my councillor more about this - I obviously need to. Thank you 🙂