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PTSD and trauma

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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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Emzp88 Distressing thoughts
  • replies: 2

In 2015, I was threatened with my life and felt as though I was going to die in the hands of a loved one. I have heard of stories where people have been killed by their children. Like a lot of people I hope to start a family someday. Most people say ... View more

In 2015, I was threatened with my life and felt as though I was going to die in the hands of a loved one. I have heard of stories where people have been killed by their children. Like a lot of people I hope to start a family someday. Most people say things like "it won't happen" - when referring to me being killed by future children. No matter how many times I hear others say this or see people with kids and am understanding that it's normal to have kids... I cannot get this thought out of my head. I don't want these distressing thoughts stop me from living the life I hope to have. I have had counselling for it but just feel I am not really getting the help I need. I think ideally a support group might help but it's tough because of covid Thanks.

Marina012 Sexual trauma and deep regrets
  • replies: 3

My cousin is the same age as me (20). We were quite lonely so having someone to talk to especially being family meant a lot. I invited him over for his birthday, we ended up drinking quite a lot. I was borderline tipsy-drunk but still self aware. He ... View more

My cousin is the same age as me (20). We were quite lonely so having someone to talk to especially being family meant a lot. I invited him over for his birthday, we ended up drinking quite a lot. I was borderline tipsy-drunk but still self aware. He was very drunk. He got very touchy, kept complimenting me, saying gross things about me, hugging me (in an uncomfortable, somewhat intimate way) and kept kissing my cheek. (this is the first time anyone has touched me like this and is very uncomfortable for me). He talked about and asked me so many disgusting, rude, uncomfortable questions but me in my drunk state I just answered! Im so ashamed of myself. It was horrible. This is my cousin!!! Although not blood related someone who I saw as family and I feel so uncomfortable, ashamed and disgusted. I havent talked to him since. It was traumatising. I was scared. Not long after, a friend from work who is 37 years old (could be my fathers age lol) we went out to a restaurant together. I found comfort in him as I have always longed for an older brother and that is exactly what he was to me. I cant even remember everything that happened but whenever I do I panic and feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. We were so drunk. I remember I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep. He took me to a motel room while I was crazy drunk, i cant even remember getting there. He wanted to have sex. Words cant describe how ashamed I am over myself because of that night. We didn’t go all the way but he still did everything else to me and I hate it. (for like 35-45 minutes I'd say? im sorry i cant go into detail. I cant handle the stress when I remember/think about it) I let him do it. He asked if he could do anything he wanted and I said yes. I was so drunk and tired I couldn’t think properly, I didn’t even really know what was going on. I just remember thinking, ‘hes my friend, so its okay’. He touched me everywhere. Whenever I remember everywhere he touched and the things he did to my body my anxiety becomes horrible, i freak out and start hyperventilating. It terrifies me and I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Later he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be in a relationship. I was so upset. The same situation happened as my cousin but worse. These are my fault as I was drunk, and with the second instance I consented at the time. I feel horrible. I want to reserve intimacy for my partner..not this. my first time being touched and kiss was stolen in horrible ways. First of all I am 20 years old. Ive never been on a date (only ever 2 boyfriends who were long distance), no physical intimacy before. Im very shy and quite reserved. I want to reserve all of this for someone who I love and am in a relationship with. Now im terrified of everyone I get close to, that they have an ulterior motive, that I cant trust them and I become so scared to be with them. Im now scared everyone at work sees me in a different way to what I was expecting and are going to try to do things to me. Im scared of making friends and going out with people in case something happens again. But mostly the hatred i feel for myself is so strong, im so ashamed of myself for allowing it. Its all my fault... Please, I am not comfortable with seeking therapy at this stage which is why I am coming here. I would appreciate your thoughts/opinion and anything to comfort the turmoil I am in with these situations that recently happened. Writing this itself is making me feel absolutely horrible with my anxiety however I feel the need to get comfort and this is a big first step for me. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my posts. Its greatly appreciated.

Skellem Workplace incident - PTSD
  • replies: 4

Hi, I'm struggling to deal with a workplace incident that has through a mechanical failure of High Voltage equipment resulted in an explosion. There has been two intensive investigations and although the company acknowledges that it was caused by equ... View more

Hi, I'm struggling to deal with a workplace incident that has through a mechanical failure of High Voltage equipment resulted in an explosion. There has been two intensive investigations and although the company acknowledges that it was caused by equipment failure they have taken a course to persecute me with intent to sack me. I forgot to disclose an insignificant action (that had no influence in the cause of failure) that occurred and they are alleging that I am being dishonest and deceptive. I have only recently recalled the forgotten action and have written a statement however I believe that management are looking for someone to blame. I am exhausted and traumatised by the incident and the intensity of the investigations and feel helpless and out of control to do anything about it. I am not sleeping properly, often having flashbacks of the explosion. I feel disrespected that my honesty and integrity is at question. My career is in jeopardy because if I get the sack and have these false allegations against me then I won't be able to find employment. I have sought counsel from psychologist and legal support, but feel the company just want me gone. The company has lined up a final meeting to hear my response to the allegations but I don't believe they intend to listen. I'm broken.

Bipolarbear80 Lost and Confused
  • replies: 4

Hi,I'm new to this,so please bare with me.. I'm a 40yr old widow,with children. I'm also one of 8 children. I was sexually abused from 7-15 by my Vietnam Veteran 'father'. As were my siblings..I left home at 15yrs young,to be safe and not feel scared... View more

Hi,I'm new to this,so please bare with me.. I'm a 40yr old widow,with children. I'm also one of 8 children. I was sexually abused from 7-15 by my Vietnam Veteran 'father'. As were my siblings..I left home at 15yrs young,to be safe and not feel scared anymore. I ended up being a ward of the state,and was fortunately placed with a lovely family. I stayed with them until I was 17..I left the state angered that despite disclosing to my mother everything that happened,she didn't believe me..yet..Then I met my future husband and partner of our 4 beautiful children. It started off seemingly good,but when all you've known is abuse, violence and exposure to zero communication skills,nor boundary setting. You don't realise being abused is not 'normal'..I stayed with him for 12yrs,through his cheating/gambling/drinking(father was also an alcoholic)/manipulation/drug abuse/mental instability. Because I was taught"good girls don't cause a fuss" "he's probably had a bad day" and so on.... I tolerated it as long as I possibly could,to the point it nearly killed me.. LITERALLY..he strangled me in front of our eldest. That was the final straw..I seperated from him..he threatened me with killing himself if I didn't take him back.. 1 week later he completed suicide,and SENT ME A VIDEO of him doing it.. It's been 10 yrs since that day,I lost my house/my hopes/nearly everything. And had a nervous breakdown. My kids are now adults and still struggle with severe PTSD and trauma. And I've recently been diagnosed with throat cancer.. Despite my positive attitude.. someone please tell me this gets easier.. Sorry for my rant

larrygreen I get the feeling that somethin' ain't right...
  • replies: 1

I'm just now starting to uncover the original problem. I thought it was alcohol and opiates, but now I'm starting to realise that I was coping how I had learned as a young teen. I've spent years running away from it. I've found success and found a gr... View more

I'm just now starting to uncover the original problem. I thought it was alcohol and opiates, but now I'm starting to realise that I was coping how I had learned as a young teen. I've spent years running away from it. I've found success and found a great wife. Our life is idyllic in many ways but I can't shake the self-hatred, the hyper-vigilance, the anger, the intense desire to be on my own in the bush with no one else around. I'd self-diagnosed with everything but I've never just admitted that it was trauma based as opposed to a mental illness lacking precipitating factors. My father was abusive. It seems so strange to say as he's such a quiet old man now. The physical things were just the little things though. The biggest horror was the emotional abuse. His hair-trigger. My sister and I would walk home from school, peering over our fence to see if his car was there. If it was we'd both have bricks in our stomach...I'd have sweaty palms. I'd ready myself to avoid him lest I drew his anger. He'd oscillate between the funniest man in the world, who'd do anything from his kids but he'd turn on a dime and tell us he never wanted us and we'd ruined his life. But here I am. Up since 3am thinking about it. I don't allow myself to see it most of the time, what I'm thinking of that makes me so on edge. I just think I hate myself because I'm fundamentally flawed, and I congratulate myself on a sharp diagnosis. It's hard to talk about. He's a nice man in his heart, and other children have been abused horrifically in their lives. Both arms have been tied behind their back, while I have only one tied behind mine. Enough complaining for now. I'm still figuring it out. I want to be a better man.

mer5306 Depression & Anxiety after partner cheated while on a drug bender
  • replies: 4

My story is that I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child and due to some bleeding I had to be flown via the flying doctors to hospital which was a long way away. My partner stayed behind to look after our son (which because of covid couldnt visi... View more

My story is that I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child and due to some bleeding I had to be flown via the flying doctors to hospital which was a long way away. My partner stayed behind to look after our son (which because of covid couldnt visit the hospital) and organise everything and then a few days later got over to stay and see our beautiful little boy be born. I thought all was well apart from a real funny feeling. When we finally got home a week later I could not shake this feeling of something had gone on while I was gone, so while my partner was sleeping I checked his phone and there hidden was messages and videos from a woman he works with. It was said in the messages that it would now unfortunately have to end because I was coming home. I immediately woke my partner and questioned him over it! He admitted he was on a drug bender and it had just happened. He has a history of drug abuse but had not done it for a really long time. He says it only happened that one night while I was away and I'm not sure if I believe him. The other thing is I am so upset he had our 18 month son with him but had put him to sleep on the couch while under the influence of drugs and drinking. He has made every effort to got to drug counseling etc and talk to me honestly about everything when ever I need to talk. I am struggling with everything right now from trusting him while he is at work because she works there too, not being able to stop thinking about it all, cry on and off all the time, depression, not feeling like I'm enough as a person, mother and partner. Feeling like I'm living in a haze and there is no way out! I do not want to end our relationship because I love him dearly, he is such a strong, loving, caring, supportive, and awesome father and this is the first time he really fucked up! What can I do to get through this? And what more can he do?

phoenixwaitingtorise Driving people away
  • replies: 6

I’ve recently started seeing a psychologist and am on antidepressants to help with anxiety and PTSD as a result of growing up with a narcissistic father (psychologists words not mine - she met with him and my mum and my sister when my parents divorce... View more

I’ve recently started seeing a psychologist and am on antidepressants to help with anxiety and PTSD as a result of growing up with a narcissistic father (psychologists words not mine - she met with him and my mum and my sister when my parents divorced). The emotional and physical abuse shaped who I am today and recently I’ve started to deal with everything I’ve been through because in the past I’ve just soldiered on but that’s not working so well for me now. In my bid to try and work through this baggage I found myself unloading the depths of my mind on a close friend and I know it’s all become too much for him. I have been so emotionally dependant and needy that it’s caused a shift in our friendship. He’s been absolutely supportive and dealt with countless meltdowns and in no way has he failed me but I know it gets to be too much and he ends up finding himself busier in life as a way to get his own downtime and a break from my crazy anxiety. He takes longer to reply or times things to make conversations shorter. Little subtle things all while trying his absolute best to reassure me he is always there because I know he wants to be but just can’t. So my answer to driving him away is to call it out and tell him that I know he needs air and he needs for me to stop relying on him so much. He didn’t disagree but said he doesn’t want me to feel let down. I’ve cut him the slack he deserves and have pulled away. I’ve told him to get the air I need and suddenly I’m back to a state of panic. My safety net is gone and I’ve gone back to feeling like the burden I grew up feeling. I’ve gone back to feeling like I don’t matter enough for anyone to fight for me. My partner is so supportive and so loving but I don’t let my emotional baggage intrude on my relationship. My friend was my leaning post because it kept my relationship safe from the damage that my emotional self would cause. Now I feel alone and as much as I feel desperate to reach out to him I know I need to give him this space and air. I know I need to stop needing him but it leaves me terrified because he’s been my rock. I have no replacement. I have no safety net. I don’t ever want to ruin my friendship and leaning on him the way I have is just not fair. It’s affecting his own mental health. So what do I do now? How do I stop needing someone? How do I stop feeling like I’m falling? I don’t have his hand to grab on to anymore and it’s making the anxiety rise more and more.

aussiemel Really not sure what to do....husband is a sex addict
  • replies: 22

I'm not 100% sure that I'm posting in the right spot but I thought that this post may offend some people, so I shouldn't be posting in the new members area. To try to cut a very long story short: my husband of 20+ years is a sex addict. When we first... View more

I'm not 100% sure that I'm posting in the right spot but I thought that this post may offend some people, so I shouldn't be posting in the new members area. To try to cut a very long story short: my husband of 20+ years is a sex addict. When we first moved in together, we had a regular sex life - but looking back on it, not normal. He was always "zoned out", I felt like he wasn't present when we had sex. He was there in person, but certainly not in mind. Within seconds of finishing, he was asleep. He always had his eyes closed, and tried to avoid any kissing, and there was no foreplay at all. Fast forward a few months, he was pushing me away. He joined Whatsapp and I saw messages on his phone from women younger (after I looked them up on FB) than his daughter (from previous marriage). I told myself that I was stupid for looking at his phone, by the way these messages were coming up on the homescreen. I wasn't unlocking his phone as I didn't know his password. I realised that something was really off, and I discovered that these messages were all from prostitutes. Some he was in "relationships" with. Buying them gifts, giving them money etc. I might add that at this point in time, we didn't have a joint bank account. I was continually worried about paying bills and didn't know where all his money was going. He kept telling me that he had to help out his ex-wife or his daughter so I couldn't really question him any further. I left him once but a couple of days later he got his mother to ring me and beg me to come back. He rationalised everything that had been going on, I now know that he was gas-lighting me. It got to the point where I had to hire a P.I, I couldn't prove what was going on and I was extremely anxious all the time. I spent thousands having him followed but the PI couldn't catch him. Two days after I sacked the PI, I found proof. Of course, he denied and tried to say I was mad and crazy. I more or less forced him into therapy. There was individual therapy for both of us, followed by couples therapy for almost two years. Then he cut it all off. Two years after the therapy ended, I have caught him out again. Screwing prostitutes only several days after the covid restrictions have been somewhat reduced. I have told him to return to therapy or move out immediately. He is going back to see a therapist next week (first available appointment). I'm running out of space to write but can tell more if anyone asks. I'm stuck ATM - financial reasons

Guest_672 Why can't i ever stand up for myself?
  • replies: 10

I had a big trigger 2night or last by the time ive finished this. It might seem like nothing to anyone else but to me its upsetting. I had a friend i met 8yrs ago who we met through our dogs being service dogs. She was super clingy from the start and... View more

I had a big trigger 2night or last by the time ive finished this. It might seem like nothing to anyone else but to me its upsetting. I had a friend i met 8yrs ago who we met through our dogs being service dogs. She was super clingy from the start and wanted me to move in with her to be her carer. The warning signs were there to back away but i felt too guilty because she had a noticeable physical disability so i stuck around and had let her use me. Very long story short the last time we spoke was a long time ago when i got an inheretance when my beautiful mum and nana my mums mum passed away. The day after i recieved the money she said the same thing every single day for a full month saying i wish i had someone in my family pass away so i could get $10, 000 to renovate the bathroom for when her physically disabled husband will need a wheelchair permanently. After a month i gave in and gave that amount of money to her. I knew she wasnt going to give in and i thought a paid human friend is better than no human friend. 2 days later she showed me pictures or a cruise they we're going on. The following months i tried to let it go but it was eating me up inside and i texted her what i felt. She ended contact after that which secretly i was glad. Last night she turned up out the blue with her dog and started talking about the bathroom ndis are paying for. Her very large dog ran back and forth from my wet garden and garden bed through all my carpet and she said you dont mind i let him run around cause he hasnt been off the lead for a week. Of me being the wus i am said of course not. I have spent hrs cleaning up after and have to get my carpet cleaned which i currently cant afford. She wants to come back in a few days. I was trying so hard this month to help myself but 2night has set me back alot. I have to let her in again and let my house get destroyed again because ive learnt i not to be respected

KazooRights [low priority] Is this considered trauma?
  • replies: 5

Hey everyone, I've been talking to a friend recently about my upbringing and she thinks I might be suppressing trauma or trying to minimise or pretend that bad events just haven't affected me at all. Family stuff - my household is generally really ch... View more

Hey everyone, I've been talking to a friend recently about my upbringing and she thinks I might be suppressing trauma or trying to minimise or pretend that bad events just haven't affected me at all. Family stuff - my household is generally really chill, parents are together, no glaring problems. It's just that as long as I can remember, my dad's been really sick (chronic illness) and I've had to take care of him as well as myself and my brother. I've been fully independent in caring for myself since probably age 5 or so because I had to be - even cooking (or rather just eating whatever I find within reach) and fixing things around the house (and recently, getting my learner's with the sole purpose of taking pressure off my parents). Mum works more than full time, dad's incapacitated by his illness, and that leaves me to try to keep my brother under control most days. I don't do this very well though, as I'm just really exhausted and have been withdrawing emotionally from everyone for years, because I just don't have the energy to do this stuff. And that makes me feel guilty, too, because it leaves my mum to try to look after everybody and she's clearly just as tired. So now my brother and my mum fight all the time, dad's still sick and can't mediate, and I just withdraw/dissociate/pretend to sleep or something to avoid it. And then there's the actual illness. Can't count the number of times I've seen my mum forced to argue with/pressure/guilt hospital staff into putting my dad on much needed oxygen when he's about to die (and the doctors are just like "oh its chill he's just psychologically stopping himself from breathing, he'll snap out of it"), while my brother screams at her for not letting him use mobile data for his games because he doesn't have wifi at hospitals (and I'm not mad at him, he's just too young to understand). I just feel bad for my mum and want to help, but I'm completely useless all the time. People keep reacting with shock and are trying to convince me that this is valid trauma but it just... doesn't feel like enough. Everyone goes through loss and people die all the time. My family's not broken, abusive, neglectful or anything. My parents try their absolute hardest, to the detriment of their mental health as well. I don't think I have PTSD or anything, I just want to work out how much I'm actually being affected by the way my upbringing went. I don't even know what people mean when they ask about my 'past trauma', to be honest.