Depression & Anxiety after partner cheated while on a drug bender

[mer5306]

My story is that I was 38 weeks pregnant with my second child and due to some bleeding I had to be flown via the flying doctors to hospital which was a long way away. My partner stayed behind to look after our son (which because of covid couldnt visit the hospital) and organise everything and then a few days later got over to stay and see our beautiful little boy be born. I thought all was well apart from a real funny feeling.

When we finally got home a week later I could not shake this feeling of something had gone on while I was gone, so while my partner was sleeping I checked his phone and there hidden was messages and videos from a woman he works with. It was said in the messages that it would now unfortunately have to end because I was coming home.

I immediately woke my partner and questioned him over it!

He admitted he was on a drug bender and it had just happened. He has a history of drug abuse but had not done it for a really long time.

He says it only happened that one night while I was away and I'm not sure if I believe him. The other thing is I am so upset he had our 18 month son with him but had put him to sleep on the couch while under the influence of drugs and drinking.

He has made every effort to got to drug counseling etc and talk to me honestly about everything when ever I need to talk.

I am struggling with everything right now from trusting him while he is at work because she works there too, not being able to stop thinking about it all, cry on and off all the time, depression, not feeling like I'm enough as a person, mother and partner. Feeling like I'm living in a haze and there is no way out!

I do not want to end our relationship because I love him dearly, he is such a strong, loving, caring, supportive, and awesome father and this is the first time he really fucked up!

What can I do to get through this?

And what more can he do?

[Croix]

Dear mer5306~

First off I’m glad for about your new baby and that the bleeding was stopped and all is well. Did you have another boy, or a girl this time?

Second of course I’m very sad to hear you are in this position, with a partner with a history of drug abuse now reawakened and an unfaithful episode or episodes.

Not a reliable person, as you say even putting your son just on the couch was a silly and possibly dangerous thing to do.

It is no wonder you have the reaction you describe, feeling you are not enough as a mother, person or partner and are always thinking abut the problem and crying. There’s a lot of undeserved self-blame in there, I do not know why but when hurt by someone one loves one can end up almost blaming oneself, as if it was in some way your fault -not true.

If you have the possibility, I’d see your GP, even by phone or video, and talk things over. Being in this state for too long is not good for you. Is there anyone else to support you right now?

Now, the hard part you face is trust, while you are not in any way to blame it is still a two-person problem. You have to be willing to want the relationship to continue, which you seem to do, and he has to try to repair the damage, and over time by his words and more importantly actions, rebuild trust.

No easy task, as with his relapse on drugs he will have to deal with that too. There he can seek help, again even if over the phone.

Rebuilding that trust means cherishing you, thinking of all the times you might get worried and doing something to stop it. Getting home on time, ringing during the day, keeping his phone open to you all the time. Doing extra things to help.

I don’t know all the measures that need to be taken, but if you can talk, and point out each thing he needs to do, then if he loves you he will try them and keep on trying.

You are not alone, we are here for you

Croix

[Leisa68]

Hi, mer5306,

You have certainly been through a lot recently. I am sorry you are going through this. If it was me I would seek out family counselling as soon as you can if it is available to you. He has to work to get your trust back, and again if it was me, I would need to see him show responsibility to both his children (and yours) and build a close bond with them. I believe this will take time and I hope with all this you can both build a stronger relationship between yourselves and your little family.

As for the drug-taking along with looking after his son, I believe that needs to be addressed also, that must be frightening to realise what may have happened. It didn't but it could of.

You need support and help pretty quickly and I hope you find it very soon. Be kind to yourself, you have just given birth and have been through so much. Seek support from whoever you can (people you know if appropriate) as well as professional counselling.

I wish you all the very best,

Leisa

[Rozie]

Hi Mer5306,

First of all bravo you are here and sharing your story with us.

I hear you and remember you are a mom and you are stronger than you think. The only thing to remember is help is out there and you are not alone. If you feel really worried and depressed I d suggest you see your GP and access to a mental health plan. I was in a mental health plan last year and it really helped me, I had this opportunity to see a psychologist ( no medication) just as talk therapy and it helped me to pull myself together while I was going through a rough stage.

also, talk to someone you can trust and you can talk with your partner about how you feeling at the moment and find a way to get help for him for his drug problem, I hope he loves you and your kids and he will get help. Take one step at a time, during the time you feel overwhelmed, this is a stressful time but we got this.

love,

[ecomama]

Dear mer5306

Congratulations on the birth of your new baby! How lovely for your baby to have a 'big' brother! He's only still a baby himself lol. You've done so well. You are AMAZING.

YOU ARE ALSO "ENOUGH" - more than enough!

Husband's infidelity is ALL on him.
Never let him say otherwise, its BS.

If he cannot 'manage' himself for a week or so without you WHILST YOU BIRTH HIS BABY then yeah that says a lot.

Sister I HEAR you.

You ask "What can I do to get through this?"
I'd leave or tell him to leave to sort himself out. This alone can be an awesome game changer for you to SEE how deep his commitment to you & his babies is. (I did leave with a newborn and other babies because the disrespect & breaking of our Marriage vows was it. It was the BEST thing I ever did).

BUT you are not me (lol) and I can see for the meantime, you are staying.
So your number 1 priority as Croix & others have said is YOUR OWN Mental Health.
I urge you to:
* begin a Journal. So whenever you are crying at home alone (BIG BIG MASSIVE HUGS!!!) you can write all those thoughts going through your head and have them on paper instead of ruminating in your own precious mind. PUT EVERYTHING down on paper.
* Call helplines WHENEVER you want to. You already know that after the birth of a baby, a mama's hormones are not as per usual. Now THIS. Help is available 24/7 and it's there for YOU.
* Write on here anything and everything you want to. We ARE here for you.
* Get a Counsellor, like yesterday.

YOU'VE GOT THIS even when you feel awfully overwhelmed, you're all over this.

* I would not keep this hidden from those closest to you NO WAY, no matter what H says. You've been betrayed by him so he pretty much lost his say on how you handle your friendships & family relationships. Empower yourself. Draw on the strength of others that LOVE you. They would never want you to go through this alone. Never.
* Self-compassion is very important right now & forever. Run a hot bath for the moment H gets home then listen to Kristen Neff YouTube talks about how to do Self-compassion - bath with bubbles. That would be a GREAT help. Thanks H.

"What more can he do?"
Oh boy. TAKE CARE OF YOU. Be HONEST which he hasn't been. Take the babies for an hour or more each day for you to WALK, see a friend, go out for dinner with a friend, whatever you want. BE TRANSPARENT - you can look at his phone / email whatever any time you feel the need to. Full transparency of ALL financials.

Love and hugs EM