Lost and Confused

[Bipolarbear80]

Hi,I'm new to this,so please bare with me..
I'm a 40yr old widow,with children. I'm also one of 8 children. I was sexually abused from 7-15 by my Vietnam Veteran 'father'. As were my siblings..I left home at 15yrs young,to be safe and not feel scared anymore. I ended up being a ward of the state,and was fortunately placed with a lovely family. I stayed with them until I was 17..I left the state angered that despite disclosing to my mother everything that happened,she didn't believe me..yet..Then I met my future husband and partner of our 4 beautiful children. It started off seemingly good,but when all you've known is abuse, violence and exposure to zero communication skills,nor boundary setting. You don't realise being abused is not 'normal'..I stayed with him for 12yrs,through his cheating/gambling/drinking(father was also an alcoholic)/manipulation/drug abuse/mental instability. Because I was taught"good girls don't cause a fuss" "he's probably had a bad day" and so on....
I tolerated it as long as I possibly could,to the point it nearly killed me.. LITERALLY..he strangled me in front of our eldest. That was the final straw..I seperated from him..he threatened me with killing himself if I didn't take him back..
1 week later he completed suicide,and SENT ME A VIDEO of him doing it..
It's been 10 yrs since that day,I lost my house/my hopes/nearly everything. And had a nervous breakdown.
My kids are now adults and still struggle with severe PTSD and trauma. And I've recently been diagnosed with throat cancer.. Despite my positive attitude.. someone please tell me this gets easier..
Sorry for my rant

[Sophie_M]

Hi Bipolarbear80,

First of all we want to say how grateful we are for your bravery in sharing this with us. We know it's not and easy step to take. Our valued online forums community is here to give you as much support, advice and conversation as you need. You've come to a safe and non-judgmental place.

Please know help is always available to you. You can call our support service any time on 1300 22 4636. You might also find some of the information provided by the Suicide Call Back Service useful: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/ as well as resources provided by 1800 Respect: https://www.1800respect.org.au/.

Please check in and let us know how you're getting on whenever you feel up to it.

[missep123]

Hi Bipolarbear80,

When I read your post my heart really felt for you. You have shown strength and resilience through all the adversity you have encountered in your life. Have you ever seen a mental health professional before like a psychologist? We are non-judgemental here on the forums and we are definitely here for you but it may also help to have an extra layer of support.

Sophie_M also mentioned the Beyond Blue Line, Suicide Call Back Service and 1800 Respect which may also help to provide some support.

How did it feel posting? I hope that you will see that we really are here for you and you are not alone.

[therising]

Hi Bipolarbear80

I wish I could just give you the biggest hug, firstly to let you know how amazing I think you are and secondly to support you in venting your feelings in regard to intolerable abuse on so many levels.

The conditions you have raised yourself through both deeply sadden me and infuriate me at the same time. How dare people believe you did not deserve better than what they subjected you to. How arrogant, how cruel, how heartless and how careless. How fortunate you were to have been placed with such a loving family for those few years. I wish you could have known such a family the whole of your life.

How unbelievably cruel for your husband to have left you that video. I cannot imagine how mind altering such a thing could be. I feel for you so deeply and with all my heart wish you could recover easily from such a thing, although I have no doubt your recovery has been challenging and painful and understandably so.

I hope you are receiving only the best physical and mental care and guidance regarding your recent diagnosis. In finding your voice, in clearing your throat in screaming and letting loose, in regard to all you have been through, I hope your recovery is not only a physical one but a soulful one too. You're more than entitled to cause a fuss. It's about time you had people fussing over you.

My love and thoughts are with you at this time where you are challenged to raise yourself again.

🙂

[Devine09]

Hi Bipolarbear80,

Thank you for your post. I have a similar story as you. Only my husband didn't kill himself instead he broke into my home, physically and sexually assaulted me. Then the courts assaulted me again by putting him in jail for a month. He laughed at me. Its been 15 years and I have only just started to face it. I will be quite honest with you. My depression and anxiety has been up and down all my life, I still struggle with it today. But I guess what happens,as time goes on, is the downs are further apart so the ups are longer. I have done a lot of work with specialists along the way and I have come to understand what works for me and what doesn't. I didn't have children so i guess you have that added pressure but there are supports for you out there. I'm not sure where you live but there may be a service call SARC (Sexual Assault Referral Centre), or similar, in your area. I have found them to be brilliant. Maybe have a look around you and see if you have such a service. Keep hoping, keep fighting for a better life because you are worth it and it is worth fighting for ...even if it doesn't feel like it now. All the best lovely lady.