Sexual trauma and deep regrets

[Marina012]

My cousin is the same age as me (20). We were quite lonely so having someone to talk to especially being family meant a lot. I invited him over for his birthday, we ended up drinking quite a lot. I was borderline tipsy-drunk but still self aware. He was very drunk. He got very touchy, kept complimenting me, saying gross things about me, hugging me (in an uncomfortable, somewhat intimate way) and kept kissing my cheek. (this is the first time anyone has touched me like this and is very uncomfortable for me). He talked about and asked me so many disgusting, rude, uncomfortable questions but me in my drunk state I just answered! Im so ashamed of myself. It was horrible. This is my cousin!!! Although not blood related someone who I saw as family and I feel so uncomfortable, ashamed and disgusted. I havent talked to him since. It was traumatising. I was scared.

Not long after, a friend from work who is 37 years old (could be my fathers age lol) we went out to a restaurant together. I found comfort in him as I have always longed for an older brother and that is exactly what he was to me. I cant even remember everything that happened but whenever I do I panic and feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself. We were so drunk. I remember I was so tired, I just wanted to sleep. He took me to a motel room while I was crazy drunk, i cant even remember getting there. He wanted to have sex. Words cant describe how ashamed I am over myself because of that night. We didn’t go all the way but he still did everything else to me and I hate it. (for like 35-45 minutes I'd say? im sorry i cant go into detail. I cant handle the stress when I remember/think about it) I let him do it. He asked if he could do anything he wanted and I said yes. I was so drunk and tired I couldn’t think properly, I didn’t even really know what was going on. I just remember thinking, ‘hes my friend, so its okay’. He touched me everywhere. Whenever I remember everywhere he touched and the things he did to my body my anxiety becomes horrible, i freak out and start hyperventilating. It terrifies me and I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. Later he confessed that he loves me and wanted to be in a relationship. I was so upset. The same situation happened as my cousin but worse. These are my fault as I was drunk, and with the second instance I consented at the time. I feel horrible. I want to reserve intimacy for my partner..not this. my first time being touched and kiss was stolen in horrible ways.
First of all I am 20 years old. Ive never been on a date (only ever 2 boyfriends who were long distance), no physical intimacy before. Im very shy and quite reserved. I want to reserve all of this for someone who I love and am in a relationship with. Now im terrified of everyone I get close to, that they have an ulterior motive, that I cant trust them and I become so scared to be with them. Im now scared everyone at work sees me in a different way to what I was expecting and are going to try to do things to me. Im scared of making friends and going out with people in case something happens again. But mostly the hatred i feel for myself is so strong, im so ashamed of myself for allowing it. Its all my fault...
Please, I am not comfortable with seeking therapy at this stage which is why I am coming here. I would appreciate your thoughts/opinion and anything to comfort the turmoil I am in with these situations that recently happened. Writing this itself is making me feel absolutely horrible with my anxiety however I feel the need to get comfort and this is a big first step for me. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read my posts. Its greatly appreciated.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Marina012,

Welcome - thanks for reaching out to our friendly online community. We understand it can be tough to post for the first time, so we are grateful you decided to reach out and take this big step. We're so sorry to hear that you have been through these experiences. We understand that these experiences would be traumatic for you and might result in losing trust in others. Please know that our community is here for you. Hopefully over the next few days a few of our members will pop by to welcome you with some words of kindness and wisdom.

We can hear that you've been struggling to open up about what's happened. We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, sensitive, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/
You might be more comfortable typing what you are feeling rather than speaking - if you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under. You can webchat with a counsellor 24/7 on their website.

We hope that you can find some of the comfort that you're seeking in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.

[GimZim]

This wasn't your fault. If this happened to a friend would you think it was their fault? If you saw a stranger in a bar that was as drunk as you were would you think they were safe to go home with someone and that they could consent? I'm sure you wouldn't. You need to be more compassionate to yourself. You deserve respect and to be treated better than you have been. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

[Blake_S]

Hey Marina012,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, and thank you for having the courage, resilience and strength to post. As Sophie_M said, reaching out for help is a tough thing to do and even more so considering what you've experienced. I commend you on taking the first step and telling us about what happened to you, which I have no doubt, was a difficult task. Please give yourself a pat on the back for taking that first step - I am genuinely proud of you.

I am so sorry to hear about the repeated trauma you have endured and the repercussions it is having on your overall wellbeing. I will do my best to support you and listen to you as I understand that you are not comfortable seeking therapy at this stage. I cannot begin the fathom what you have been through, and to have two similar wrongdoings by other people occur twice would be violating, frightening, and distressing. It does sadden me to hear the level of self-loathing you have voiced throughout this post, and I agree with GimZim - what has happened to you is not your fault. The case of being drunk does not change that, and as a fellow young woman, I am very firm on my stance.

I can also, understand why you feel as if there are trust issues, and I admire that you want to reserve your love for someone you are in a relationship, I think in this day and age sometimes this gets lost. I'm so sorry that you feel ashamed and hatred toward yourself, you deserve respect from others and from yourself, but I can appreciate how this would be difficult for you for the time being. This doesn’t mean that things can't change, and while you may not be ready for therapy, posting here is a brilliant first step. How did you find writing this post? And how do you feel reading the replies? As Sophie_M said, there are many resources and services there to help you in anonymous manners if that's what will work best for you.

Once again, we commend you on reaching out for help and thank you for telling us your story. Please keep us updated throughout your journey, we are here for us - the forums are a safe place.

All the best,
Blake_S 🙂