Triggers

[Chloe03]

I experienced trauma as a child, dv and an affair in my marriage. I’m now in a relationship with a really great person who is so good to me, but I keep having terrible trigger episodes. I want to understand why I am being triggered by my partner having attractive fb friends. I’ve never been a jealous person and this has never happened to me before him. It starts when I see an attractive person in “people you may know” and he is friends with them. It’s hard to describe now, when it’s not happening, but I actually feel like a different person and it’s hard to remember what I’m thinking but I know it starts small and my brain keeps collecting evidence that there’s something wrong with him and/or the relationship. My chest hurts. I get the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, then I feel so sad. I have intrusive thoughts for ages, act irrationally. Sometimes I cry, and just want it to stop, one time I sobbed heavily and my legs were shaking and for some reason I had to watch the video of my ex that I secretly filmed of him berating me. It was so strange. When I snap out of it, which can take hours, I’m embarrassed and don’t feel the way I felt during the episode. As in,  of course some of his friends might be attractive, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, he’s not doing anything wrong. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome oyu here to hte Forum and am glad you came. It sounds as if life has been very hard for you in the past wiht trauma as a child, dv and an affair in my marriage. 

All of these injure a person in their mind and the after effects of those injuries do not conveniently stop when the incident is over or the person no longer there. If you just take infidelity in your marriage that would - if it was me - lead to a sense of great betrayal and loss. 

Sometimes it is hard to remember you are looking at hte perspective of osmeone who has lived though all htese things.

I think it may be that the effect of all these is to seek for problems in the marriage, and have physical reactions too. I have no idea how looking at your ex being toxic affects you. Maybe it might eventually remind you that you are in a different situation now.

OK so your husband is prone to Friend attractive people on Facebook. I would suggest htat you talk this over with him, if you are both honest then the problem may go away or at least can be seen in proportion. As you say he has done nothing wrong. Maybe someone in your past did and this reminds you.

The main thing is to be assured he loves you. That is his job.

If you are unable to approach him on the subject I'd suggest couples counceling, where a 3rd person may bring out the matters people are hesitant to talk about. I can recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 27).  If they do not have an office near you then they may be able to suggest another organisation nearby.

If I might ask are you under any form of clinical or personal support for all the hurts done to you before? They do injure and help can be good.

Please feel very free to come back and talk some more

Croix

[sbella02]

Hey Chloe03,

Goodness, I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this, I hope you can find some comfort here on the forums. 

I see that you're wanting to understand why this is happening. I think you may have answered your question with your first sentence. Our bodies remember trauma, and they will sometimes enter that hypervigilance mode in order to protect us from experiencing something traumatic in the future, even if it feels unjustified. You may find that your body now reacts to anything that feels like a sign of that trauma happening again, hence why you're getting that pit in your stomach, that pain in your chest, and those horrible thoughts. Your body wants to protect you from getting hurt.

This is where professional help can be really impactful, as a therapist or psychologist can help you to work through those feelings, understand what they mean, and to either replace or manage them when they appear. 

For now, it may be worthwhile having a conversation with your partner and being really honest about how you've been feeling. Let him know that it's not anything that he's doing, but just that your body tends to react in this way to any sign that may be reminiscent of something you've gone through in the past. 

In this conversation, you might like to consider if there's anything he can do to ease your mind when these feelings come up, or anything you can do to help yourself feel better. Can you think of anything that would help in the moment? Would it be his reassurance, or talking through it with him as the feelings come up? Would it be best to leave the room and try some breathing exercises alone, or finding a space to be with your thoughts for a moment?

I hope this helps, and just know we're here to chat with you if you'd like to let more off your chest. It's also very important to be kind to yourself during this time too. You've been through a lot, have patience with yourself.

Take care, SB

[Levelup]

Hi I am Levelup, Chloe03.

First and foremost I agree with the wiser heads, find therapy.

I am writing to tell you that I know what you mean when you say " it's hard to describe when it is not happening but I actually feel like a different person". 

I, over the years, have often said 'there is something wrong with me' I have thought depression, dementia, anxiety some mysterious condition. 

But when you say 'trigger', I get it. 

Is it in fact trauma, as you suggest?

How did a trauma response become hardwired? None of it makes sense.

I could talk about the past, but to be frank it's the present I'm interested in.

Thank God I have found a therapist who thinks the same. 

Finally like you, I think, my partner goes about her day confident that I love her and I do. But in my head......

Fond regards to you.