Triggers

[Chloe03]

I experienced trauma as a child, dv and an affair in my marriage. I’m now in a relationship with a really great person who is so good to me, but I keep having terrible trigger episodes. I want to understand why I am being triggered by my partner having attractive fb friends. I’ve never been a jealous person and this has never happened to me before him. It starts when I see an attractive person in “people you may know” and he is friends with them. It’s hard to describe now, when it’s not happening, but I actually feel like a different person and it’s hard to remember what I’m thinking but I know it starts small and my brain keeps collecting evidence that there’s something wrong with him and/or the relationship. My chest hurts. I get the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, then I feel so sad. I have intrusive thoughts for ages, act irrationally. Sometimes I cry, and just want it to stop, one time I sobbed heavily and my legs were shaking and for some reason I had to watch the video of my ex that I secretly filmed of him berating me. It was so strange. When I snap out of it, which can take hours, I’m embarrassed and don’t feel the way I felt during the episode. As in,  of course some of his friends might be attractive, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me, he’s not doing anything wrong. 

[Croix]

Dear New Member~

I'd like to welcome oyu here to hte Forum and am glad you came. It sounds as if life has been very hard for you in the past wiht trauma as a child, dv and an affair in my marriage. 

All of these injure a person in their mind and the after effects of those injuries do not conveniently stop when the incident is over or the person no longer there. If you just take infidelity in your marriage that would - if it was me - lead to a sense of great betrayal and loss. 

Sometimes it is hard to remember you are looking at hte perspective of osmeone who has lived though all htese things.

I think it may be that the effect of all these is to seek for problems in the marriage, and have physical reactions too. I have no idea how looking at your ex being toxic affects you. Maybe it might eventually remind you that you are in a different situation now.

OK so your husband is prone to Friend attractive people on Facebook. I would suggest htat you talk this over with him, if you are both honest then the problem may go away or at least can be seen in proportion. As you say he has done nothing wrong. Maybe someone in your past did and this reminds you.

The main thing is to be assured he loves you. That is his job.

If you are unable to approach him on the subject I'd suggest couples counceling, where a 3rd person may bring out the matters people are hesitant to talk about. I can recommend Relationships Australia (1300 364 27).  If they do not have an office near you then they may be able to suggest another organisation nearby.

If I might ask are you under any form of clinical or personal support for all the hurts done to you before? They do injure and help can be good.

Please feel very free to come back and talk some more

Croix