Trauma Counselling - how do you get through it?

[TheBigBlue]

I’ve been seeing my psychologist for almost a year now.

But we have only had one session (yesterday) where we started to look into my trauma. Prior to this both my psychologist & psychiatrist wanting me to be admitted for specialised care. I was considered high risk. I didn’t want to, so I never did.

Anyway, we barely touched touched the surface yesterday. In fact, it wasn’t even discussion of the trauma that triggered me. I was really anxious & I shaking so she asked me to breathe (as in my deep breathing exercises). But I couldn’t doing it if she could see or hear me. I don’t understand why, I don’t understand why I felt distressed, I don’t know why it was so hard. In the end she had to turn away from me & put her headphones in & play music before I could do it.

i feel like such a failure because I can’t even live a normal life, or be “normal”. Can’t imagine anyone else being as stupid as me & not being able to to do some deep breathing in a room with someone else. It’s weird because when we talk I don’t have any issues looking at her or making eye contact, but something about the breathing triggers me.

so we spoke about other things for a while & then she said she wants me to do just one thing. She wanted me to inhale loudly through my nose & then exhale loudly through my mouth.

And this distressed me so much I started crying. She explained that we need to dig a bit deeper to find out the reasons behind it, but when she asked how I was feeling I didn’t know. I can’t explain why it’s happening. I just wanted to cry.

i feel so stupid. I don’t know if there is anything behind this but I feel so distressed. I feel like my depression is so ready so come back. I was doing so well, had a routine, was going for morning walks, cooking dinners, doing dishes every night & was starting to sleep better.

i got up this morning to find last nights dishes still in the sink. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. I didn’t sleep well so had no energy to go for a walk. I’ve just sat on the lounge ALL day.
I understand it can be difficult to work through the trauma but how do others manage to do it? I feel like a failure at life. And we still haven’t discussed the person, the abuse etc.

i don’t know how I will get through this.......

[TheBigBlue]

Spoke with my psychologist again today.

We were talking about my previous issues with the breathing. I explained it wasn’t just her. She had given me homework to teach my boyfriend the deep breathing exercises. I felt very uncomfortable with this. The only reason I ended up walking him through it was because one night we had a power outage so it was dark & he wouldn’t be able to see my face (there was a lit candle on the kitchen bench, we were in the lounge room). So being in the dark where I couldn’t be seen was the only time I felt brave enough to explain it to him. but I still couldn’t make an audible sound. And after doing it once I never did it again with him.

Today I told her about my walks & how I can’t let strangers hear me breathe if I walk past them. Even if I’m puffing gong up the steep hill (a perfectly natural thing to happen), I have to change my breathing or even hold my breath so I don’t make a sound as I pass.

The psychologist asked if I had ever been abused or sexually abused by anyone other than the person I had told her about. I said no. I’m sure it was only ever that one person. But it did make me feel uncomfortable (scared?) to realise that she was thinking there was a possibility it could have happened.

Anyway, still no answers.........

I do & she paused & asked me if I had ever been abused or assaulted.

[SunnyPalm]

Hi TheBigBlue,

You are doing a fabulous job and I am so happy that you have found a psychologist that can help you with your trauma work!

I've got PTSD, Anxiety and have been going regularly to my psychologist and psychiatrist over the last few years. I remember at first I could barely talk let alone breathe or do any exercises they asked me to do.

I kept a little baby journal and gave myself a happy face, sad face or in between face and jotted down how I was going with what 'homework' from my treating professionals as well as my symptoms. It helped me to see how far I was going even though I felt like I hadn't even left the couch some days.

I like wiggling my toes, closing my eyes for breathing to help centring myself. Exposure therapy was tricky at start, but I have come so far!! You totally can too!!

Another thing that helped me was painting/drawing to get out some of my emotions or reoccurring images. I'd then show that to my psychologist as a talking point.

Be kind to yourself

[Anzee]

TheBigBlue,

I can’t breath out loud in front of people either and will hold my breath if I need to. I did some grounding exercises with my psych on Monday (over the phone) and every time she was quiet for 30 seconds I was subconsciously concentrating on not breathing out loud instead of the exercise.

[ecomama]

Dear TheBigBlue and Anzee and everyone reading... yep even you lol

The breathing thing you mentioned... I had it too as a child ALOT and even as an adult at times...

I believe I know why this was and has become a problem for me - it's based around the times of deep trauma and abuse.

The events would come with a trigger warning if you wanted me to share first, but if either of you know why it's a problem for you and want to share then you guys can go first?

I don't want to hijack a thread with extraneous content if you don't think it would be helpful if I shared my personal experiences.

I really hope that by sharing our traumas, we can "hold hands" as we walk through things together.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear TheBigBlue

I think you're showing amazing progress being able to share with your closest ppl.

I read what you wrote about your parents. And psych's offer to come into a session.

When we are triggered by our MH professional and we truly believe they have our best interests at heart, we can still say no.

When and IF you ever feel you can share what happened with either or both parents will be completely up to YOU.
I'd really like you to tune into your instincts over this because what you've written shows deep compassion and regard for your parents.

In a perfect world (well we wouldn't have abuse but) we would always be able to count on our parents in any event.
We would be able to share ANYTHING with them without fear of reprisal, victim blaming, risk to our relationships with them etc. They would just express perfect validation, hold presence with your pain, assist in your healing whilst dealing with their own pain.

But it's nowhere near a perfect world and none of us in it are perfect either.

It's an immeasurable gamble whether to tell our parents.
It's a REAL Catch 22.

It's beautiful that your psych offered to be with you.

You can opt for continued support without this happening.
When you're ready, (only IF that when comes) no matter the consequences then you'll know without a shadow of a doubt that you need to do it NOW.

My loving advice until then is to guard your heart.

Your story is yours alone to share.

You are able to gain closure without it. Hard to believe. It can be done.

Regardless of telling parents, you are making real progress.

Love EM

[ecomama]

Dear Anzee

It's FANTASTIC that you're talking with 1800RESPECT Counsellors & Trauma psychs... aren't they incredible?

I think I've phone them literally 30 times in the past few years.
Lord knows how thick their file on me and my family is by now... but I ALWAYS feel better after the call.

Not healed.
Just better able to cope with the now.

I had lots of little children and a set of older ones in one period of my life.

A Minus supportive partner. Extremely abusive.

I wrote and wrote and wrote out my feelings and frustrations and couldn't even coin the term abuse. It was all just a muddled mess in my head - ex's gaslighting helped there.
I didn't know about helplines for what I was going through.

The writing helped. It allowed me time to cry. Get my thoughts out on paper. I decided to add a quote from a wise person here and there.

It helped "bandaid" things to get me through.

My depression was tangible. I described it as a 7 foot thick wet heavy blanket on me every single day.
I found gardening a way to lift the depression but it took many years to shift.
Also repeat playing of "Pride and Prejudice"!

If you can listen to Kristen Neff and / or Brene Brown in the bath then this may give you some tips and some comfort.

You can always post here too.

Your BB family is always here.

Love EM

[Anzee]

Hi EM,

I have no idea why I do the breathing thing but would love some insight.

I always feel so stupid for calling 1800respect etc but I do feel a lot better after, yesterday I had a really great councillor and she was really understanding of where I was bringing these feelings from but my 4yo found me after 15 minutes (I had headphones in) but she was climbing all over me and accidentally hung up on them.

I just feel like my trauma is too much to handle! Tuesday I emailed my psych told her I would go through with CASA then had terrible nightmares about it, woke up so anxious and on edge and what felt like every traumatic experience in my life came flooding back to me. It was a lot to try and process and it just makes me feel like these are the kinds of overwhelming emotions I get when I start digging into my past and I really don’t like it. I feel like they’re just better left locked away.

[ecomama]

Dear Anzee

You can try, try again with 1800RESPECT. I know it's supremely difficult with little children.

I want you to know that people UNDERSTAND what you're going through.

Practicing Grounding Exercises is the best thing you can do to help you cope.

I really want you believe that the past can't hurt you any more.

You are in THIS present time. Bringing yourself back to the present time via grounding yourself will help enormously.

Clearly the memories of past traumas don't stay locked away. They can continue to come into our present in increasingly thicker ways. That's what happened to me again earlier this year.
It was shocking.

***Trigger Warning***
My 2 long traumatic experiences that severely negatively affected my breathing was once when I was a child. My brother had died when I was 3yo. His room was next door to mine. These rooms were a long way from our parent's room upstairs. They were downstairs in a very dark place even during the day. At night my mother refused to let me have a light on.

I had already had awful trauma moving from my home country in Asia where all those beautiful Asian faces smiled at me, they held me all the time... to here, a harsh place where it was cold, people were abrupt, they yelled, they left me alone for hours at a time, they forced me to eat food I couldn't stomach so I vomited alot. I hated being here beyond words.
After years of screaming for someone at night... when my brother died I stopped.

I tried to be silent. I remember trying not to make a sound. I was extremely fearful. I even remember trying to cry silently (I still do this & am working through this).

More recently I was in an extremely abusive marriage. We are SAFE now. Demon ex criticised EVERYTHING I did, literally everything. EG The expression on my face when anyone was here, he would rant about that for hours, days, weeks after they left. I learnt to have a non descript / blank expression on my face after years of this. At night he would come into my room and flash lights in my face. And listen to my breathing. I would wake up with a shock from the lights or from it's hairy ear near my face.
It slept in another room and snored like a freight train. I didn't snore but it said I was breathing too loudly. He wouldn't allow a lock on my door.
The truth was that it was poisoning me & hoped I'd died in my sleep.

EM

[Anzee]

Hi EM,

tuat sounds like a terrible atmosphere to be raised in and I’m sorry about your brother that would have been devastating.

Its amazing how our minds work and if we’ve already experienced trauma or abuse, our minds can convince us that that’s what we deserve and so often we don’t even recognise it as abuse. I had some memories resurface yesterday of situations that today I’d say would fall under the term abuse possibly even rape, but back when they happened there is no way I thought of them as that.

I don’t remember my childhood abuse so I don’t know if he ever told me to be quiet , my younger sister did tell me recently she remembered an incident and she said I pushed him off me and we both ran downstairs and outside screaming and she said he followed us telling us to come back but she didn’t say anything about being told to be quiet or to keep it secret or anything. I’m sure it’s connected but not sure if it was ever said.

[ecomama]

Hi Anzee

I survived and tbh NO ONE realised all 8 named abuses were being perpetrated against me and worse... my children.

No one knows until they know.

I know what you're saying about experiences of SA.

But what you say about your childhood experiences is very telling to me.
You can't remember.
There are whole sections of events I have completely blanked out too (but there was a witness to one and she told me everything she saw).
I must ask my psych friend if this was dissociation?
I'm not sure.
I think so.

When my psych friend told me this year that she has seen me dissociate and this terrified her as it can get worse and worse... I asked her what I should do and she told me to get a tailored program from a Specialist Trauma Psychologist.
I did.
The first 5 sessions were especially beneficial to me. I ended it after 7 sessions because I knew I'd "used all this psych had to offer me" kinda thing. Well totally and worse, she had next to zero understanding of DV / FV causing Complex PTSD and even tried to shame me.
NO WAY.
I got out.

BUT this is where 1800RESPECT and the National SA Hotline comes in perfectly well for us.
THEY GET IT.
I've called them.
I've sat with other women who've had to call them.
EVERY time any of us spoke with them, there were alot of tears BUT there was so much validation and support offered.

The REASON why you will get through this is because you will begin to see then eventually KNOW without a shadow of a doubt that these past events can no longer harm you.
A good trauma psych will support you to feel safe.
An excellent trauma psych will put you on the path to healing.

The full on PTSD surround sound and visuals will no longer happen.
These memories become very distant and the previously felt emotional reaction dissipates away.

I asked to be able to "file" these memories and only call upon them when I wanted to but WITHOUT any strong emotions.
It really worked.

I had to work REALLY hard and be very devoted to this work but I was so desperate to be healed.
So it's working.

I WANTED to be mentally healthy. I held on to that vision.

I Pray this for you, TheBigBlue and anyone reading.

Love EM