Trauma bond relationship

[Guest_45929587]

I finished a 4 year relationship about 6 weeks ago . It started 2 years after my marriage of 27 years ended . I adored her , but I was unfaithful a couple of times in the first year of being together even though I adored her . I could not explain why I did that but I did and maybe ufcwas because I was vulnerable , flattered with new attention and lacking in boundaries. I was found out by my girlfriend and she was devastated- so was I . I sorted last 3 years taking full responsibility, saw psychiatrist, psychologist, listened , did everything I could - really tried to understand her side - she was incredibly strong to stay , but a toxic cycle of recurrent abuse , and push pull started at some stage - I never wavered and spent 3 years absorbing and losing myself . We ended up adoring eachother but I do believe she is either an extremely avoidant infidelity traumatised person, or someone with covert narcissistic personality- but essentially we I believe are in a classic trauma bonded relationship. I culminated in too much abuse and dismissive disrespecting behaviour at Xmas and I finally believed that while I feel I love we couldn’t remain together . It wasn’t until I ended it that she said I’m sorry for the first time ever , that “ I am loved “ first time ever and could we try couples therapy first time ever , after refusing my requests for uh multiple times 

I desperately want her back although everyone tells me it’s bad for me and it’s not love , and that the same patterns will recur 

I am devastated and want to contact her 

[Croix]

Dear New Memeber~

Welcome here to the Forum, a place where  lot of people talk about relationship difficulties.

If your leaving has caused your ex to apologize, say you are loved and agree to couples counceling it may be a path that lets you get into a more confortable relationship. From the sound of things there may have been bad behaviour on both sides, with your infidelity and conduct at Christmas and her ongoing distancing.

If hte desire is strong enough behaviors can change, it is only if that is not the case people revert to how they were.

Then again having  professional see how your relationship started and developed they may say it is not a good thing for you to be together as it is not an equal partnership based on giving and love.

I hope things work out for you both

Croix

[ViolettaZ]

Hi there,

It sounds like you went through an incredibly intense and painful relationship. Losing something that mattered this deeply can feel devastating, even when the relationship was hurting you.

I’m hearing how strong the bond still feels and how much you miss her. At the same time, you’ve described a pattern that became painful and left you feeling as though you were losing yourself.

Sometimes, when relationships involve cycles of hurt and repair, the attachment can feel incredibly powerful, even when the dynamic isn’t healthy. That can make the separation feel almost unbearable.

As you think about whether to stay apart or reconnect, it might help to reflect on a couple of questions:

-What do you feel would be different if you reached out now?

-What do you fear might stay the same?

Take your time, there is no rush to make a decision right now.

Warm regards,🤗
Violetta Z