Trauma and imagination

[Echtis]

Every few months I try to reread or relisten to The Body Keeps the Score. I always feel like there is something that stands out to me that explains how I act or feel every time I go through it. 

I was described as a vividly imaginative child, though I know creative is not an unusual descriptor for children. I spent every bit of my time, including time that was meant to be given to other things like classes, writing. I still have a shelf of those books that I kept from my childhood, including a broken leather file holder that I was 'gifted' by a teacher in the 3rd grade, which contained most of my loose writings up until the end of primary school. 

Something changed however. As time went on, I could see in my writing when certain traumatic events took place. Their imagination slowed, and became reflective, analogical, or metaphorical for the events I experienced. This became even more apparent as I entered my teenage years where my abuse worsened and traumas stacked on. This is going somewhere I promise. 

In the book I mentioned, the author relates an encounter where he asks traumatized veterans to engage in an imaginative exercise. Most of them lead the exercise in a direction of their trauma. However, there was a smaller population (the author deemed to be more deeply traumatized) that refused or could not to engage with the stimuli, stating that it was meaningless or that they could not think of anything. The author concluded from this that trauma impacted imagination, first restricting it in regards to trauma, then finally smothering it completely. 

I related deeply to both these described groups. I cannot be creative, and if I can it is extraordinarily limited and shaped only by my trauma. I was wondering if anyone else had similar experiences. 

[Croix]

Dear Echtis~

Welcome back. I think I remember talking wiht you some itme ago about one of the difficulties you face. I also think the idea that your writing changed due to your experiences is highly significant.

The main thing I would like ot tell you today is that things are not static, you may have been in a state very much influenced by your youth, however that doe not mean you are permanently stuck that way.

To give you a somewhat similar example, as a person wiht PTSD and other illnesses resulting for actions and events in my occupation there were some matters I simply could not remember - and could not be lead to. ("smothered" is a good description). The did not exist.

Later they started to come though and now (I hope) I have a full picture of what had happened to me. This took time, and my psychiatrist explains it by saying that it was only when my mind was ready to accept these things they reappeared. I even wrote about one more minor matter in this Forum.

As just someone who had had issues of their own I cna't really say anything about any particular condition. I do know as I came to accept my past my inbuilt anger subsided, and I became more trusting of those around me.

Now I've reached the stage of recovery I thought was impossible, and while still have ups and downs can love and be loved, engage in useful work and take satisfaction from things I do.

I was a complete (and suicidal) mess, and I think that if I can reach this stage many more can too.

You, like me, will grow I'm sure

Croix

[ecomama]

Hi Echtis, thankyou for sharing the connections you're seeing. 

I haven't read The Body Keeps Score. I've heard it's a brilliant book. 
Does it provide any guidance on ways to heal? 
Just curious about this, as I really hope it does. 

I can relate to the "buried memories" group. If I didn't have witnesses who recounted what they saw happen to me, I'd be none the wiser. 
I've been diagnosed with Complex PTSD, more recently ADHD and probably have recovered from depression. 
Healing well from PTSD too. 

I've done tons of research as a "lay person", mainly seeking healing paths that were validated by data lol. 
One quite gobsmacking set of facts I learnt about, then put into daily practice were self-care and gratitude. 
They sound so oversimplified don't they? I thought so too BUT I persisted and persevered lol. 
Of course integrating other things like healthy food, exercise, PETS, connecting with nature and trusted loved ones etc.. are elements of people with mental HEALTH. I just copied these. 

So ofcourse I agree that creativity can be stunted, blocked or impossible, for a while, because of trauma. 
Perhaps your form of creativity, being writing, could be a case of re-traumatising to begin with anyway? 

IE you were writing ABOUT things happening, so shutting down was a protective measure by your psyche perhaps? 

For myself, dissociation was my psyche's go to for many years. My teachers recorded this as "day dreaming" in school reports, which I got in trouble for at home, but hey I wasn't day dreaming! Crazy cycles there. 

Being gentle with yourself is so important. 
Not coining any activity as "creative" could also help. It did for me. I finished painting a statue of Buddha with colourful nail polishes we no longer used and he looks BRILLIANT. 

I followed my impulse for FUN. I just did it for FUN. This was after accidentally coming across an Art Installation by the Crud Muffins lol! I watched a Bubbleographer blow gigantic bubbles with huge poles and ropes then ventured into the Art installation. 
The photos online are FUN and HAPPY to see! 

You are allowed to follow your impulse for FUN too. The baggage of our traumas feel lighter both during and AFTER these experiences. 

How are you doing today? 
Love EM