Physical Abuse? (potential tw)

[Melan_cholia]

I need help trying to work something out. I have been quite unwell lately and since being discharged from an inpatient facility to an outpatient program, I have been trying to unravel some things from my past.

Quite a few times during my childhood I was hit as punishment after doing something 'naughty'. I can't remember what those things were. Probably talking back or things like that.

I know that they were decent wacks on my lower body that made me yell out and often cry myself to sleep but I don't think they left significant injuries apart from red marks as well as feeling fear and shame.

I used to think this was a normal experience but after talking to others as an adult it appears that isn't necessarily the case.

I am trying to work out the invisible line between punishment and abuse. I don't want to offend others that have experience terrible abuse during their lives, I am simply trying to unravel my story.

I have had lifelong low self esteem and self harm tendencies and wonder if these stem from a need to 'punish' myself.

I am really confused and worried I am making something from nothing.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Melan_cholia, 
 
We can hear it was really difficult to come here and post, and we're really grateful you did and are taking part in an outpatient program, as it can be a really powerful step towards feeling better. We can hear it's been really hard for you to tell your story, but please know that you're in a really safe space for doing so here, with a lovely community of kind and understanding people.  It sounds like it's really having an impact on how you're feeling day to day, so please know that there’s always someone here for you to talk it through with. The Beyond Blue counsellors are available 24/7 online, here. If using the phone would be difficult for you, you can reach them via webchat or email:   We’re sure we’ll hear from our lovely, supportive community soon. In the meantime, here’s a few things you might like to look at: 

• Blue Knot’s advice on self-care for survivors of trauma and abuse 
• 1800 RESPECT’s advice on healthy relationships 

• Relationships Australia’s advice on communication in relationships  

We are here to support you and you are not alone. Thank you so much for sharing here. Please feel free to share a bit more and let us know what is going on for you, and what might help, if you feel comfortable.   Kind regards,   Sophie M 

[Melan_cholia]

I went onto the 1800respect Web chat and they said I had to call and then 'hung up' on me. I am not comfortable talking on the phone about this and can't get in to see my psychologist until November. I don't know what to do. They thoughts/memories/not knowing if it was abuse or not is making me feel nauseous.

[ecomama]

Dear Melan_cholia, a warm welcome to the forums. 
You are in the right place here. 
I admire your courage joining up and sharing your story with us all.

This is a SAFE space. 
Hopefully you will not feel judged, but quite the opposite, encouraged to share and talk it all out. 

It can be REALLY hard to get our words around the swirling thoughts when we recall (abusive) events from our childhood. 
You can use your thread here to get the words out, no matter HOW they come out, just getting them out can be cathartic. 

Please don't concern yourself about comparisons other members could make with your experiences. 
The forums exists for each of us and our own unique story. 

I think you could be seeking a "measure" of whether the punishments your parents inflicted would be categorised as "abuse" or just thrown out the window. 
Basically IMO, if your parents hit you physically then that's physical abuse. Moreover, physical abuse can also be mental / psychological and even emotional abuse also. 

Even more importantly than all of this is the reaction our little selves had to the events in our childhoods. 

Then we know now, that the depths of support we received after such events can correlate with the depths of the trauma we feel and potentially have unresolved into adulthood. 

You can use your thread to share and you can use it also as a Diary of sorts. 
I really hope you can pop over and share some self-care you're doing in your recovery on the thread of the same name. 

Thinking of you
Love EM

[Michael G H]

Hi Melan_cholia

I am new to this forum and not sure if this is the right place to add a bit about my childhood experience. Your introduction above is so similar to mine almost word for word  that I need to say something. I am also doing research as to what level of punishment is acceptable. I have spoken to the Blueknot help line and basically the Counsellor just gave me a list of Trauma trained Counsellors. There are so many different kinds of therapies that it is quite hard to know whether I would benefit and I imagine the cost would be substantial to follow through with any one of them. I have been attending a 12 step MH peer support group weekly for about 14 years which has been beneficial for many issues but my long past childhood experience of being punished (not sure what for) keeps coming up in my mind and I guess I am thinking it must affect my life day to day. Am I just letting my thoughts run away with themselves or is there a reason to seek help and importantly if so what sort? Is the answer just finding someone to spill your guts to, seeing a psychologist for 30 sessions or something else?

Could you tell me if you have successfully found any answers yet or have any suggestions. 
Kind regards 

Michael H