Tired

[Delectable]

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable, that's not good to feel forgotten

I'm not sure what else to say to help as I feel I can't offer much that helps

Maybe someone else has some good suggestions.

[Delectable]

It’s ok Sleepy, I’m different to others, I have known that for the last ten years. I’ve noticed that even normal people get forgotten on their birthdays, guess people are too busy to make time for others anymore, it’s sad really, we live in such a selfish world these days....the older people are the luckier ones, they didn’t have much but were content with what they had, unlike a lot of people today.

I would like to say anyone reading my thread that some people are the way they are because of the complex childhood abuse/ trauma, I tire of hearing people in the real world not understanding this. How lucky you are that you never had to endure this and be like us....

May you learn about compassion instead of criticism, we might relate better to you.

[Guest_1643]

Hi there,

I don't find you different - I feel the same and have complex PTSD myself.

[Delectable]

Thank you for saying that Sleepy, it’s good to know I’m not crazy then.

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable - I don't see you or anyone that way. I think a lot of people here would understand PTSD. I have CPTSD myself and have been managing for five years, and have definitely found that I have lost friends throughout my struggles so i can relate to that too.

[Delectable]

Thank you Sleepy, it’s the ones that don’t have mental illness that see me that way....

[Delectable]

Poverty is back for those on jobseeker, maybe the government is hoping for those to commit suicide as people cannot survive properly after they have paid rent, gas ; electricity, phone and water....

[Guest_1643]

Hello, what has happened to the jobseeker payment?

[Guest_1643]

Hi Delectable - i know what you mean about hvaing friends reject you

particularly those who are close-minded and have very limited life experience in general. Those same ppl, when covid occured, completely fell apart because they had no idea what it was like to feel restricted or to struggle emotionally. I have lost many friends over this time but gained a few. There are some people who understand.

This is an interesting thread on the topic:https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/relationship-and-family-issues/they-just-wont-understand-why

I don't find you different at all and am sure there are so many like us who struggle with CPTSD and other challenges.
No judgements here. U seemed very patient with ur friend who was causing you to feel bad - I on the other hand used to get upset and tell them they were being offensive... ! But it's tiring to try and educate people, too. Now I just slowly move away from stigmatising and judgemental people. I can't afford the stress of them.

Hope you are having a calm week and feeling good.

[Delectable]

I asked her to stop in the end as I didn’t want her ear bashing me when I visited her....not that’s going to happen now anyway, I thought I read jobseeker was dropping more and the bonus finishing in March....

I tend to avoid people then get into confrontations but that doesn’t really help the situation either....

Tomorrow I’m cooking lunch for the garbage drivers, and an old man I help in his garden, the menu is

walnut, ham and comte feuilette, tomato salad, cucumber salad, red onion and orange salad, followed with salted butter chocolate cake and pear and rosewater ice cream...