Time to boundary up with toxic family

[Orangeicy]

I took my kids to my home country for a visit earlier this year.

I have been low contact with my father for around a year. It started out when I couldn't handle his lack of effort anymore. I would often send him pictures of my kids (school, outings etc) and tell him stuff. His response was mostly a thumbs up or at best - a "how nice" comment. 

My low contact began as a test: if I stop writing will he notice and reach out. Will he miss me?

Well that was a big fat no to that last question. I've heard nothing and his effort in communicating with me is pure business "I've put money over for the kids birthdays" (IF he remembers that is.)

Our visit home was the same lack of effort. We lived at my mums place while back visiting and she was pressuring me to go spend a week at dads house. I told her that made me feel very uncomfortable - I don't want to stay in a place that puts my entire body in alarm. And being around my dad does just that.

I told him I'd be happy to meet up somewhere (picnic, forest trip) but that I didn't not want to sleep at his house. I have a child who is neurospicey and forming a base somewhere is important for his well-being.

I have come to realise my communication with him is purely from a place of being an obedient daughter who is always "nice" and let people walk all over her. And my mum expects the same of me. Kindness, self-sacrificing and ignore your gut-feeling.

I was never expected to move away. I was never to have dreams of my own. I was meant to stay in my home town, obey and serve my family. In stead I moved to another country and is now realising that if I hadn't I would've been miserable forever.

And I can see now, that my dads behaviour...my own two brothers behaviours and my mums also, when I speak up and ask "why can't we communicate more often? Why can you be so generous with your time when we visit home but cut me off when I go back to Aus?" ...is all about punishment. I moved away where they wanted me to be bound to them forever, in servitude. Because I am told I should just move back home if I want to talk more often. Where realistically they could press a button and instantly send me a message IF they wanted to.

Happy new years and realising my family of origin is the toxin.

[indigo22]

Hi Orangeicy,

Family can be really difficult to navigate and can definitely become toxic, mine was dysfunctional so I can empathise.

There comes a time when we all must do what feels right for us, which to your credit you have done. Whatever your family thinks or feels about your move is their issue to deal with, not yours. I only have a sister left, but she is so toxic I have moved a long way and never told her where I was going, I am much happier without her presence in my life and knowing I never have to see her again.

Set your boundaries and seek out a surrogate family in the form of good friends who can appreciate you for who you are, as opposed to being shunned for not being who you are expected to be. You will be much more at peace in the long term.

Thinking of you,

indigo

[Orangeicy]

Indigo22

Thank you for your comment.

It is definitely a journey and learning to kill and not cling onto hope that they will change. The good girl conditioning can be quite hard to shed.

- and christmas hurts. I had written both my brothers a Christmas greeting (a neutral one because I can't post anymore energy into it, but a greeting because then nobody can claim I never tried). Only one of them wrote back.

Insofar as my dad - he sat on the lounge when I videocalled my mum and said a quick merry Christmas and never even got up to say hi.

You are most definitely right about building my own village of friends who care. Sometimes I wish adults could be adopted into a loving family to at least get to experience support of who you are just once.

[indigo22]

At the end of the day, if you have tried your best to keep the relationships going without a positive result from the other side, then you have done all you can do and you don't need to live with regrets for the rest of your life. If they see the error of their actions later, maybe together you can repair some of the damage.

I understand it hurts, and I hear you about being adopted into a family that cares who you are. Unfortunately for some of us, we have to find ourselves a new family. It sounds like at least one of your brothers still cares enough to keep in touch with you. It's unfortunate that the ones who are supposed to love us the most, usually hurt us the most. I know you are hurting at the moment, but it will become easier with time. In the meantime you can always reach out to us for support.

Take care,

indigo