Time moves fast but I feel stuck. I cant explain.

[Mudcakes]

Oh shit. Ever since mum came across my father in the ED in march last year and then seeing on the news his company logo sponsoring his football team, then learning its their charity and involved with a well known charity that runs their program and then them doing how he gives back and highlighting just him and trying to work out what to do about this and how the ivo ends in may this year…. Time has not felt normal. How is it that I havent seen my gp since august last year? Or my other doctor for my sleep meds the consult was from feb last year? Im kinda freaked out. Time has felt frozen for me but I feel like its dragging me along with it. How do I explain this to my gp next time or the other doctor? No wonder around july I stopped doing stuff like going out as much or my board game group. I mean every-time I go outside I automatically scan and imagine him walking up to me or I see him. It’s like purgatory. I hate it. It feels like he’s everywhere. I mean he will contest my application for another IVO(avo in other states) and I cant go through that. I can’t. He is like slenderman that’s what it feels like. Im also like, freaked out by the news and stuff and dont feel safe in my state or country anymore honestly. Mum turns 60 in a few days and it just reminds me how fast time is going and Im not ready or feel stuck. Im 21 and yes I have a learning disability and like a bit developmentally delayed so I’m behind peers my age I guess but I cant get over 2018 was like 7 years ago I think? Like it freaks me out. Anyway. Sorry its so all over the place my post.

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[Croix]

Dear Mudcakes~

I can understand that you see your father's logo everywhere, and at the same time do not know if you wil come across him like your mum did in ED. So you have kept away in situations where you are less likly to see these reminders of your past. 

I doubt it is just one reaction like not going out much, more it takes over all of you and as a result you stop doing things you would otherwise. This is something you need help to master. If you get the chance see your doctor and explain that the trauma you had before is stiff changing the way you live and you are in fear.

It is not so much the number of logos around as your reaction to them that can be made bearable, and that normally means therapy.

I know your mum is 60 ,but apart from the occasional argument is she a good mum -can you talk with her about this and see if she can support you more? Go for walks with you , all the other outside things you did. Encourage you to be in touch with your friends and importantly see your doctors more?

I know you are worried about the end of your IVO, can you get some to be an advocate for you so it is not all on your shoulders -would your mum be good?

I think if I lived in a cramped space with little money I'd get cross and react to being so confined. That is not just down to you, most people would be the same, and when angry words slip out that are not really meant. 

Why not try one thing at a time -apart from seeing the doctor that is - and start with that  board game?

Croix