Hello.
I've never posted on anything like this before, and while part of me thinks that this might help, another part remains a little unconvinced, so sorry in advance if I don't take a huge part in other threads, or conversations.
I've had PTSD for roughly around 3 years now, and haven't always known that I've had it. I was diagnosed with other things like borderline personality disorder, anxiety, depression etc. My PTSD has been triggered by a pregnancy termination that ultimately derailed my life, and was in part, caused by my ex boy friends insistance and pressure to do it. I regret what I did, and I broke my own heart by doing it.
I find that I still have nightmares all the time. Sometimes I don't even realise that they're nightmares, but they involve the people who cause distress, and conflicting feelings of love, hatred and desire. When I wake up the next day, I feel like there's an elephant sitting on my chest, and my throat feels constricted and tight. I'm easily irritable and easy to anger. I've made a lot of progress over the past three years, but have recently stopped going to my psychiatrist due to money complications.
I had nightmares last night.
I suppose I'm writing all of this to just see that there are others in my position, and that there is an end in sight. I find that its hard on my family, and sometimes they don't fully comprehend what's going on.
I don't even really know who I am anymore.
I kind of feel like the lyrics from The Beatles I'm Looking Through You are a good representation of how I feel about myself
"I'm looking through you,
Where did you go?
I thought I knew you,
What did I know?
You don't look different, but you have changed.
I'm looking through you, you're not the same."
