PTSD resulting from school experiences?

[ScarlettR]

Hi everyone,

I joined the BeyondBlue discussion board about 8 months ago. I haven't used this board a lot but I hope to come here more frequently now as I believe I've found a place in my own home country to come to and share my issues and advice.

So I am a 29 year old white female living in Melbourne. I used to live in South Australia as a teen and graduated high school at the age of 17.

Now we all know bullying is a common issue in school and a lot of people has gone through this. But for me, I had never really forgotten those bullying I experienced.

I was very young when I first experienced bullying. It was at my first primary school, I must have been about 6 or 7. I remember being picked on by these group of boys because I was hanging out with another boy that I liked.

As I got older, the bullying from different people in different schools continued (I moved school a lot of times in my childhood). At every school, there was always trouble - from both boys and girls. Sometimes it got physical - I remember a girl hit me hard in the face for not going down a playground pole. It literally felt like a brick and I thought I was disfigured for life (which I wasn't).

I've also had people throw stuff at me - insects (living, I hope), sticks and wasted food were the most common objects thrown at me.

Then the really bad happened when I was 10 and sexually abused by another girl who was bullying me and directly telling me to move schools because they didn't like me.

High school started off pretty bad too. I started putting on a lot of weight due to stress at home and having no virtual support. The teen students would taunt me over my weight, call me rude names, "really fat and really chubby" and "fatty". A gym teacher even called me a "fat" for not being dressed in time for a gym class.

I remember a boy called me "stupid" for packing my bag in the middle of a hallway where he and his friends were walking through. I remember the boys laughed as they walked passed.

I haven't experienced any serious bullying since 2005 (senior year) but the memories still haunt me and upset me. I only wish I had the courage to report those people at the very least and make them realise their actions were not cool.

So sometimes I get panic attacks or anxiety and my mind would switch to those bullying memories. It's a vicious circle. I think I'm pathetic for even thinking about school now.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ScarlettR,

Thanks for your post and welcome back to the forums.

First - I really want to emphasise and push that what you're feeling and thinking isn't in anyway 'pathetic'. I'm so sorry that you had trouble in school and it sounds like it was a really tough time for you. Sadly bullying is a common thing in school but what you've had to go through is certainly much more than 'typical bullying'. It's quite normal for kids to get teased, but physical abuse and sexual abuse is often less experienced.

It sounds like what you're experiencing is a trauma response to what's happened. There is nothing silly about that and people can experience trauma for all kinds of reasons; many of which don't make sense. There are people that can experience trauma for things that feel 'silly' or 'ridiculous'. Often when people think of trauma they think of extreme experiences but this is not always the case.

I'm just wondering if you've considered seeing a therapist or talking to anyone about this? It sounds like you've been dealing with this for far too long and I think that you deserve to get some help.

[ScarlettR]

Hi romantic_thi3f,

In 2009, I saw a psychologist and talked of these school bullying stories. Fortunately at the time, my psychologist gave a positive view of me as a person, regardless of my experiences which do not define me.

Only recently have I been thinking about these experiences again. I have considered talking to someone at a medical clinic I attended.

[running_girl]

Hi ScarlettR,

Firstly, I would like to thank you for sharing your story. You are brave to tell it and no doubt it will help others on this site who’ve faced similar abuse.

The bullying and abuse you experienced during your school years should never have
been allowed to happen and I am so sorry that it did. I think all our school years are formative ones and there is nothing ‘pathetic’ about the need to think and rethink over what happened to you back then – this is how we reconcile ourselves to certain things in order to move on from them.

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice to give but I do think your decision to talk to someone
at your clinic is a good idea – a good therapist might be able to help release you from your pattern of cyclical thinking and give you the peace of mind you deserve.

Just keep remembering your former therapist’s advice – those incidents don’t define you. If anything, they define your abusers.

Take care,

rg x

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi ScarlettR,

Thanks for your post.

I'm really glad that you've seen a psychologist before and that's great that she helped give a positive view. I love how you said 'regardless of my experiences which do not define me'. This is such a strength to see because you are not your past, even if you might be holding onto it. Did you find her helpful in managing the panic attacks and anxiety?

I'm happy to hear that you've considered talking to someone again. I hope that they are helpful.

[ScarlettR]

romantic_thi3f: thanks for your feedback. Yes, I've come to realise that experiences do not define me. I just really need to let go of the past, and just settle that it can't be corrected or avoided.

I started getting panic attacks and anxiety in 2013, four years after the psychologist appointment but have received some therapy for it.