Dear Bobbie
Thanks for telling us about yourself. It is always sad to hear about abuse and seems even worse when a child is abused. There are many people here who have experienced abuse and can relate to you. My husband and his siblings were dreadfully abused by their mother and this has affected them for their whole lives. My husband refuses to talk about it and keeps all his feelings hidden. However they leak out in so many ways and he has an enormous chip on his shoulder.
I don't say he should not have this feeling but the outcome is that he takes it out on the family while to outsiders he appears well balanced. I put up with being a substitute for his mother, that is being the person he punished when he got upset. After 30 long years I left because I could no longer manage. I am sorry he was left alone but I could not help him and he refused to be helped.
It sounds as though you are getting some help from your current therapist which is great. It is an expensive way to get help I know but if you can lay all these ghosts it will be worthwhile. It's hard to decide what triggers your memories and often it is something small and apparently trivial. Have you been working on some deeply buried events in your life with the new psych? Maybe this has started you thinking about the past and how painful it was. Have you asked your psych what she thinks
I wish I had an off switch!! So do I Bobbie. There are many times when I have been overwhelmed by thoughts and memories and it seems nothing will take them away or reduce their impact. I understand this how EMDR works, helping to reduce the severity of the memories
What I have found that works is going to a different place, e.g. going into the garden, and finding something physical to do. Something I enjoy and requires concentration. It must be important to me. Focussing all my attention on that activity does help to keep the monsters at bay.
It's very much like mindfulness as it is paying attention to what you are doing. But I think it's a little more than that. There needs to be a physical part which requires the brain to be more fully involved because you are using your hands, arms, legs etc and the brain needs to manage this. You need to think about what's happening. Even going for walk can help but we do know it can be easy to walk on auto pilot and continue thinking the old thoughts. I embroider which may not sound like doing something absorbing, but it does require attention. TV does not work.
Mary
