Is it ever okay to reconcile with abusive partner?

[AdriftAnnie]

Hi,

I’ve posted a few times before about my husband who physically and sexually assaulted me a few months ago. It was very violent and I’m still dealing with the effects of being assaulted by someone I loved and trusted. He breached an avo after the assault and ended up in prison for 5 weeks. This experience seems to have changed him for the better. We have young children together and while he has never been physically abusive in the past, he has been verbally abusive to both me and our children.

He is desperate to reconcile and says he has “seen the light” and will never hurt me again. I don’t want to reconcile. I feel broken after what he did. But I could probably take him back for the sake of our children.

My question is, is it ever okay to take back someone who has hurt you so badly? Is there ever a reason? I don’t think I love him anymore, but I care about him still. We were together over a decade and he was my only relationship. He wasn’t a supportive partner, except financially so I am more than capable of raising our 3 children alone. But should I? Should I give him a chance? My biggest worry is that he will hurt me again - not necessarily physically - and that I won’t be able to pick myself up next time.

Maybe I am just being selfish. If he has changed then shouldn’t I give my children the nuclear family they deserve? I’m so confused. I know it’s my decision, but I could use some advice/guidance.

Thanks

[Guest_7403]

I think it comes down to a few things,

What the led to violent outburst

Does he struggle with mh issues or his he just like that in general?

Did he participate in anger management and managing moon classes in jail?

Is he seeing a psych? Doing classes out of prison?

Is he being treated for any mental health issues?

If not and it's just a matter of..I'm not doing anything you just have to take my word....then I think you know the answer

Good luck

[AdriftAnnie]

Thanks for your response. You’ve given me a lot to think about. He has done a lot of the things you asked about. The change in him is quite dramatic. He’s calm and considered and no longer reactive or impulsive. Maybe he really did have a revelation in prison. He completed programs in prison around DV and is currently doing a course on respecting women and sees a psychiatrist and is also on medication for depression. He’s doing everything he possibly can and yet I still cannot bring myself to give him another chance.

With regard to your first question, the violent outburst was caused by 2 bottles of scotch mixed with excess doses of anti anxiety medication ... though I suspect a complete and utter lack of respect for me also played a part. It was uncharacteristic and I don’t believe it will happen again, but why take the risk?

Thanks again for your reply

[Guest_7403]

Well that's thing isn't it....why take the risk? It's well and good go and be humbled in jail (the boys are sorted from the real men)

It's up you, give it time don't rush your decision

[Juliet_84]

I understand that you want to give your children the nuclear family. However, I think most of all they will want to see their mum happy. I’m sure they also don’t want to be living in an environment of fear and emotional abuse. If you honestly, deep down, think that he can give you the nuclear family that you want then a second chance may be an option with counseling in a men’s behavior change program. But if you don’t, I would advise against putting yourself back in that situation. I’m sure you know how hard it is to leave that situation, you’ve already done the hard part and feel stronger.

[therising]

Hi AdriftAnnie

Whilst your husband claims to have seen the light (in regard to his attitude and behaviour), is such a light permanent or would you gradually find yourself beginning to walk on eggshells all over again? Stress can definitely take a toll mentally, physically and spiritually, as you would know; I believe your husband owes you respect in regard to you getting all 3 aspects back in balance again, before even contemplating any serious form of reconciliation. If he is not eager to give you the time you need to heal, I believe you have your answer as to how much he truly respects and cares for you and the children.

Just to be clear, you are under no obligation to reconnect with him as a spouse. Perhaps, for now (if you are capable), you could reconnect with him on a different level, in getting to know him all over again as a so-called reformed man. If he is truly reformed, he will understand and welcome the possibility.

Yes, we all have the potential to change in the most miraculous of ways at times although, in some cases, it is best to observe other people's changes from afar and with caution.

Take care of yourself AdriftAnnie. You're a star in the process of rebuilding her shine - don't let anyone have you doubt your brilliance!

[geoff]

Hello Annie, I agree with what has been said, and I can't tell you what to do, I've been caught out before, unnecessarily so.

What I can say that even though he has completed or still doing so any of these procedures doesn't mean he has changed.

Can I give you another example which runs on the same principle: if an alcoholic has detoxed for the first time and believes he has cured his drinking days, does this mean in 2 weeks time he can walk past a bottle shop and not buy any grog, maybe the temptation would be too much, something for you to think about.

Take care.

Geoff.

[45987]

You should definitely not feel selfish for not taking him back... This would be putting your children first, rather than potentially putting their safety and/or wellbeing at risk.

You mentioned you don't think you love him anymore and don't want to take him back... Then I think you have answer your own question. Your children would not be disadvantaged in anyway not being in a typical nuclear family provided you give them the support and care they need. I believe being in a single parent happy home would be better than an unhappy nuclear family