Struggling to cope with past experiences (sexual assault trigger warning)

[chiara_g]

Hey, I’m new here.

I’m a sexual assault and emotional abusive survivor. I came through the other side in 2006 but I was left with a few demons. He would tell me I was too skinny and ugly and would force feed me as a way of emotional control. One particular time I had gastro and you know when you’re sick the last thing you want to do is eat but I was force fed and I was subjected to a weekend of various abuse. Since my experience, a few things changed, one of which I started having relationships with females. Having a relationship with female seemed more comfortable, equal. Also since my experience, my eating changed, I have problems with control and eating.

12 years on I did get married, to a very understanding man who puts up with my quirks and I felt I had moved on with life. However recently, I had a situation where I confided in my doctor, who crossed the line sexually, pursuing a friendship over text message and in person with questions about my sex life, why I’m bisexual, how do you have sex with women and information about my past sexual experiences. He asked me questions about having sex with men and my husband and I guess it was a fantasy for him. When I went to my husband for help, my doctor tried to tell me what he was asking was no big deal, that it had nothing to do with my husband and just between us and went to my husband saying that I was having an affair, I’m an escort but my husband put him in his place and reported him to the medical board.

Six months on, I’m feeling fundamentally broken. I feel like the lid I had firmly on my past experiences has been re-opened with everything spilling out, or I feel like a mirror I was holding has been taken from and thrown to the ground. I tell myself I feel I’m overreacting, or it shouldn’t be a big deal, it's not like the doctor touched me and was only aroused by what I sent him but I am constantly anxious because it’s triggered everything and I don’t know why. I’m struggling to control my eating, I’ve stopped being intimate with my husband, just feel so withdrawn. I don’t want to be touched or hugged by anyone and I get angry, I have these fits of anger that I don’t know where they come from… but it’s pure rage. I’ve been medicated by psychiatrists but it’s not helping at all and I just don’t know what’s wrong with me. 😞

[Doolhof]

Hi chiarageldoff,

I can imagine what you have written here was a difficult thing to do! Firstly you have acknowledged the abuse you received from one man, and now the abuse from the doctor.

To me it is understandable that you are reacting the way you are and I do so hope you are able to find someone you trust to help you sort all of this out in your mind. Your anger would be a reaction and a consequence to what you have been through in both situations.

In the past I have found it beneficial to write down issues and horrors until I have no words and no tears left. For me it is like cleaning out the mind.

Then I need to think of something that is pleasant, nice, comforting, pleasing, wholesome. It might be happy memories from childhood, a place I like to go to, the feeling of the sun on my skin, a picture of a pretty flower, anything to help balance the negative.

If you don't feel comfortable seeing someone right now, would you consider talking to someone on a support phone line? You could call the support people at Beyondblue on 1300 22 4636 and they will listen to you and may be able to offer places you can get help in your area.

Please know you are welcome here.

Hope this has helped in some small way! Hope you can find some support!

From Dools

[Croix]

Dear Chiara g~

You are very welcome here, and there are many who will relate to your experiences. Some people are truly horrible and do terrible damage to others. Sadly that damage is slow to repair and does fundamentally alter one's life.

You found a husband who has been your champion, and despite the actions of that doctor bringing all the hurt, fear and anguish to to fore you are still the same person that responded when you met your partner and married him. You started to build on your strengths and that has not been wasted. I would think you actually have started to move on.

An important thing to hold on to is the joy and happiness you have given as well as received. It is no small thing.

All that anger is natural, and very hard to understand, let alone contain. In my own case (different circumstances from yours) when PTSD was fresh I'd be given to bouts of anger and worried I'd go too far. In time I came to an agreement with my partner that no matter what neither of us would step over an invisible line and say or do things that could not be taken back, forgiven, or were too deeply hurtful.

To be quite honest it was my temper that needed reigning in, not hers, however the's the way we tried to deal with the problem. It worked, I was able to hold back the worst. In time anger became less frequent and less strong, now it's gone.

Please don't worry so much about intimacy. For it to blossom feeling secure and happy are needed, and you are not there yet. Give it time, like I had to.

You do know what is wrong with you, as does your partner. You are a survivor of abuse, you deal with the effects of other's evils. Like me, a different sort of survivor, you will get there and I hope have as good a life as I do now.

I'll repeat you are welcome here anytime

Croix