The Slightest Trigger

[mmMekitty]

Lots of people are triggered by various things.

I have an attitude about them, like this:

Triggers happen, like tax, unavoidable.

Usually, they are fleeting.

They can be either predictable or unpredictable. You might have a mix.

I think, if I am going to be triggered by something, surely I will see it coming. I know some things I might read, or some tv shows, movies, some songs, & certain noises. I might make a list, except that list seems to change daily. For example, some days I could watch Law & Order - SVU, other days it gets to me, striking me hard enough to double me up and have me crying.

Tonight, it was the smallest thing, a word, 'Twinkle' used in a completely unrelated context, playing the fun little game we have here on BB.

I had written 'Star' and Quirkywords had written 'Twinkle',

In response, I thought, I can't see the stars anymore. Wish I could, wish I might, because when I was young and having an overnight visit with my friend next door, her father came into the room. Shocked, I froze & looked out the window, saw a single bright star and tried to imagine myself being where it was. until he fell asleep .

Now because I don't know what I would do if I needed to detach myself like that again, I can sometimes get to feeling very upset. I don't know why tonight? Just my response to the word, and wishing I could see a star, any star twinkle, brought it back home to me, I can't, it is 'gone' , as I wrote in that thread.

Tonight, well this morning, I am annoyed, I'd like to say, "NO" and push this all aside. I get angry at having these old emotions, & memories move through me, feeling like they might settle in for a longer stay...I am tired, I need sleep, I worry I won't. stop this now.

So, post this thread, whether anyone answers or not. I need to think things through a bit and writing is my best way to do this. I hope, I'm reaching someone else, and what I say is useful.

Some people welcome trigger warnings. I don't, mostly because it would be impossible to have a trigger warning on nearly everything. I also understand, if I am triggered by something, it is an area needing more attention & more work. I'm not finished with the memories, thoughts or feelings triggered. I take them as a challenge.

I wonder how others deal with the triggers? Do you actively avoid them, or like me, take it as a part of life to be faced? How do you respond to the thoughts, feelings & memories, which have been triggered?

mmMekitty

[smallwolf]

hello.

whether you write the post in a blog, journal or here... it is worthwhile to get those thoughts onto paper and out of your head. The good thing about here is that others can reply to you. Reading words per se do not trigger me. When things go wrong, I will tend to blame myself. And I cannot avoid these triggers as they are part of my everyday life. Instead I have to learn that it is not always my fault, that things can go wrong, etc.

... a work in progress.

[mmMekitty]

Thanks Smallwolf,

Ordinarily, words are okay, I like them fine, I would use more words than most people are comfortable with. I would write explicitly, not censoring any detail, but if did that here, I'd be banned, I'm sure. I have poems I would post, but for the fact I can't put my actual name to them, and I think they would not be permitted because of words I use.

I have used words to process the past events, the current fellings and thoughts. I struggled to find them, to accept these were words I wanted to use, to take a risk and use them, to own my words by putting my name to them, then sharing them, another level of risk.

So, I see, it was not the actual word, but my building connections from a word, to my associations with the incident and to how now, I feel I have no defences available to me anymore.

I'm sure you know the fight/flight/freeze response to danger? I don't think I could be effectively use any of these natural responses now. I tended to the freeze response. A few times I have fought, then fled. I am not physically strong anymore, I can't run to save myself anymore, my blindness makes that dangerous anyway, and I don't think I could freeze and detach myself from the danger until it ended anymore either.

This question of what the bleep would I do if I am ever physically attacked again is perhaps the scariest of all.

The fact that I was triggered earlier this morning, was a little shock to me. I have written, painted, talked to my PDr about it, quite candidly too, (that's scary too!) until I think I am sick of it.

I understand, not my fault, I did nothing wrong, and there was nothing I could have done to either prevent or stop what has happened. My response was not abnormal either.

So, early this morning, distracted, writing and then I had a phone call, she was drunk, (oh dear...) I hadn't eaten my dinner yet, tired, my legs aching, lost track of time and it was much later than I realised, when I went to the post. And the word became a slight trigger with a lot of weight behind it. I realised, I need to face it, so I have made this thread.

What's the next step?

[mmMekitty]

Smallwolf, I too, tend to blame myself when things aren't' working, immediately thinking I must have done something wrong to cause the error, Small, incidental human errors, I'm at fault. I keep making certain little mistakes, & instead of being able to let them go, I still have the familiar thoughts & feelings I had when I was small, & it was primarily my (ex-)step-mother shouting at me for not managing to do things how she wanted, to the standard she demanded, or I might be walking through, & she doesn't like how I have my hair in my eyes, or I have somehow 'embarrassed' her - the list could go on and on.

What people have to say is beyond my control, but do I not have a right to disagree? Can't I disagree without fear of further insult, or retaliation? I have been in situations where I can disagree and no one is going to attack me, but still I am afraid they will. I am so easily intimidated, because I fear confrontation and arguments.

I guess I am 'triggered' by shouting & arguments, I find I fear the worst is or could be happing soon. I hate hearing, but I feel I must be sure no physical violence is is or about to take place. I get very anxious, can't think of anything else while it goes on.

I have another thing which triggers flashbacks. I do think that it is appropriate to use that term for this.) when my response is so strong, I see, hear, and feel physically and psychologically as I did during the original incident. It is the main one that has me unable to wear a face mask. For this thread, I refer to the feeling of tears, eyedrops, tiny splashes of water. running down my face. I can't stand the feeling. I can shower, that's okay because it's lots of water, but if just a little drips from my wet hair down past my forehead, down my face, I feel the need to immediately stop it, brush it aside, sometimes rather roughly, too, I have noticed. Because I hate it.

I also pull my clothes on and off over my head, when I must, as quickly as I can. I can no longer tolerate my head being covered, feeling I am not getting enough breath. That started a long time ago, I didn't really notice when,, only, one day, it dawned on me, how I was feeling when pulling long-sleeve t-shirts and my shoulder was sore so it was taking longer than usual. I was figuring out how to put on & off some clothes, as my shoulder was not getting better.

As I focus on this, I recognise more 'slight triggers'.

Will I have to find separate solutions for each one?

Enough for now,

mmMekitty

[smallwolf]

just a quick reply for the moment...

you can most certainly disagree. Will that help? Sometimes.

Me... Not a good day today. I tried to disagree with this jerk at work. But this other person goes "woe is me" in an angry manner. I have been listening to podcasts to find out a better way to deal with this person.

[mmMekitty]

Hi Smallwolf,

I am learning, too, one must pick their battles.

I your disagreement with that someone at work is a very important disagreement which needs to be resolved, can you try again, in a place with no-one around? I don't know what's eating that other person, but suspect it has nothing to do with you or the one you have the disagreement with.

Here, somewhere on BB, if you'd like to talk more. Meanwhile, let's play some games to relax. I need to, and it's more fun to have someone else playing too.

[smallwolf]

Yes to games - I know where to find you. I will be watching you back from behind. 🙂

In this instance there is no dealing with this person. In the podcast the first bit of advice was to get out of there. My psychiatrist has said there are jerks (she used a different word) and just have to put up with them. After speaking with the PoC this instance cannot be let go.

Off to the games.

[MummaOf4]

It's been a while since I've posted. Things had been going well the past few months until now. I've noticed a lot that my husband won't even come up from behind and cuddle me anymore while I'm in the kitchen. He doesn't show passion anymore. He is always angry, whatever I do is wrong. We have a joke and all that but it's like I'm always the one making the effort. Our son just came out of hospital after a procedure and he picks a fight. I had a catch up with a friend who happens to be an ex/my oldests father. There was nothing of it. We come home, come to bed and is firing all this about "well the first conversation you should be having with him is when is he going to see his daughter?" I couldn't go to work because I was too stressed. I took a trip to the city, had a chat with the friend then came to the hospital after our son was out of the procedure. I just needed time to myself and there could only be 1 parent. I just don't know how much more I can take. I'm really in a dark place. 

[geoff]

Hello MummaOf4, I hope that your son is recovering after his hospital visit, I know that's always a worry for a parent.

The concern about your husband unable to show you any affection must be a major problem trying to understand why he doesn't do this.

Before I continue can I ask you a question or two, and please only answer if you want to,

-is he keeping any unusual hours, a change from what he has before

-or do you have any idea why this could be happening.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[ecomama]

Dear MummaOf4, time to breathe OUT. Let out all that CO2 that's been building up.

You've had a stressful time with your son being in hospital. I hope he recovers well. Hugs. 

Some things in your initial post, struck a chord with me from my previous "marriage (from hell)", not saying yours is that, just saying - some elements were similar. 

I found that unless exH was the very CENTRE of all my focii every single moment of every day, I was in the shyte about it. 
He was childish, self centred... narcissistic. 

Everything was about him, even if one of our children was in hospital. 

Do you think your H felt like you'd gone behind his back meeting your ex? 
He could've been nasty because of this meeting. 

Have you brought up the lack of cuddling etc with your H? 

Your instincts are telling you there's something wrong or your marriage is going down a yucky track. 
You may have time to bring it back. It takes 2 though, as we all know. 

That comment about ex seeing his daughter? 
I would've said "I can't control another adult, that would be up to him". 

Love EM