Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

That was a lovely post and I realy enjoyed reading it. I get to know more about all three of you and that's simply great.

I guess in a way it's a good thing your garden has plenty of weeds left:) After all it can be quite a good occupation. You never know in time the 10yo may give you a hand with the 6yo's hitting. That would be excellent.

It's a great pity they both learned that one way to deal with things that are unpleasant or worrying is to blame and be violent.

I would think that if it can be learned at that age it can be channeled into other was of expressing distress -particularly if their love helps as they can see it is hurting you. A psych's specialty together with your cooperation I'd expect.

It's not realy surprising it seems to go two ways, hit you but the root of it being worry over not being with you- a huge loss for any young person

I think you were lucky to get 20 minutes out of any 6yo. Maybe your 10yo stayed the full course as she enjoyed your company. Maybe that's part of it with the cooking too.

Your 6 yo sounds pretty bossy/determined. Any chance of her doing a spot of cooking before eating? It would be nice to have all three of you together (bribery can be quite effective I've found with young members of my family:).

Somebody told me the Forum will be down for a day or so. I'll catch up with you then

Croix

It's excellent they both have freinds, either ot go to the movies wiht or just come over to visit.

[Petal22]

Hi Anzee,

Your children sound wonderful.

I understand that sometimes children are conditioned to act and think a certain way from their childhoods.

Sometimes they see how others act and then they mimic this.

Anzee what you are doing right now is building them into the people they are going to become………. Right now they have “ your” influence to teach them right from wrong please don’t give up on that right……… you can condition your children the correct way to grow into young respectful adults.

Please don’t give up stay on your path move forward and through this because YOU can win this…. 💪❤️ and your children will thank you for not giving up…

[Anzee]

The system is really stacked against me. Even though there is so much proof, I’m the one that has to find all of that and present it in court, I have to do all the work and answer their questions designed to scare me and make me feel like I’m not beloved and not being believed is my nightmare. I can’t handle facing people that don’t believe me. The last judge made it clear he was only siding with us because it was a police application and he even said he felt sorry for my ex and didn’t want him to think the judge wanted to kick him out of his house. I can’t fight with people like that. People that are working for him and believe he’s the victim of a messy breakup.

[Anzee]

I have really started to push people away. I have especially done a number on my friend, to the point she’s stopped texting me back.

I just feel like if I can push it all back down and pretend like nothing happened I’ll be fine. It’s the only way I feel like I can get batter.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

It's been a couple of days since I've been able ot talk ot you, and I'm saddened to see that you are in so much distress. I know what you are saying and agree about the deck being unfairly stacked - of course I do.

Here you may not find it a place where friends bring on a desire to push away, as we do not have to talk about all hte unpleasant things, even though htat does not make them go away.

So to (deliberately) change the subject have you and your girls managed any more weeding? From what you said it sounded like a long job.

How has the cooking in partnership wiht your 10yo doing? Anything tasty?

you know I'd been thinking of you younger daughter who is not that keen on cooking but likes the eating part.

Do you think it might make a difference if she chose the menue, then went out shopping wiht you for the ingredients -selecting the right carrots etc? Sort of lets her be boss for a while?

Being the younger one can be frustrating at times

What do you think?

Croix

[Anzee]

Hey Croix,

 I appreciate your attempt to help distract me from what’s going on but right now nothing is working. It’s completely taken over my life and thoughts. I have been doing everything to distract myself from thinking about him and what happens next. We went out for lunch Wednesday, then bowling then out for dinner. We went to an amusement park type place yesterday and are going to a chocolate factory today but the lawyers office called me yesterday and said the lawyer needs to see me. They only call if there has been contact from my exs lawyer and because there’s already a court date in place etc, the only reason there would be communication between his lawyer would be if there’s been a new development, he has new evidence etc etc so I am freaking out sooooooo much. I am so scared about what he’s going to put on me next, I can’t stop going through every single thing I’ve done in my life wondering if that’s what he’s going to use against me next. It’s torture. I’m still trying not to let the girls see or know so am doing everything I can to keep them occupied/ entertained but the fear does not leave my mind.

we made caramel slice and hedgehog slice but no meals lately. The 6yo is a really terrible eater and will only eat processed food or sugar (fruit being the only exception) I have offered that she chose any meal she wants, chose new vegetables etc to taste, sticker and reward charts everything but she just won’t eat or try healthy foods. She’s happy to help me make desserts but dinner is awful. The best I can get her to do is a platter with fruit, cheese and biscuits and popcorn. Otherwise she eats hot dogs, toasties, pizza (homemade at least) I’ve tried all I can think of to encourage healthier eating. Even have tried to enforce that if she doesn’t eat what’s for dinner she can have a piece of fruit for dinner that’s it, no alternative meal, no dessert so that’s what she does. 

[Anzee]

Something really strange has been happening tonight. It starts off feeling like dissociation but then instead of coming out of it, I feel like I’m living at my mums house again and I feel really confused and disoriented about where I actually am. I have to remind myself a few times where I am. That we’re home. But I just feel really overwhelmed afterwards, like just really surreal, disoriented etc. I feel like this is a new experience.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

OK, there are three things, what has actually happened in your life being the real one. There I'm more than sure you have always been a lovely person, and if you ever did anything you are unhappy about it will be because circumstances forced it on you. I'm very happy to have you as a friend and your kids are LUCKY to have you as a mum.

The second is of course what the courts set out and I've no idea what happens there , so will leave it for now

The third thing is how you think of things, and at the moment - being human - you are going though all the things that can go wrong and dreading new developments. That's to be expected too. I can't stand waiting and have on occasions nearly worn out my phone using Smiling Mind to keep me from thinking - I know it may not do the same for you.

So yes, I do try to distract you for a few moments, if you think it makes matters worse sing out and I"ll stop, otherwise I'll keep trying.

We may not always have total control of outside events, but we can try to control our minds (mixed success it's true:(☹️ To be fair you do try to shield your girls with activity

So I'm not so sure about hedgehog slice, might be a rather exotic dish, seeing the nearest hedgehogs are in New Zealand.

Now the home-made pizza sounds more of a starting point. Can you persuade your 6yo to come to the supermarket wiht you for the pineapples, salami or whatever, just as an adventure?

Do your girls have favorite singers or music - come to that do you?

Mind you I can't preach about junk food as Mrs C has just given me a doughnut and I'm trying not to get sticky fingers on the keyboard.

I have managed to convince Sumo Cat (who sits by my left elbow) that cats do not eat doughnuts - a major victory and more for me. Dunno if you have any pets?

How is the weeding going or is that a rude question?

Don't forget you can tell me if I'm not helping wiht all this chatter

Be well

Croix

[Anzee]

I was an awful person when I was a teenager. I didn’t care about anyone else but myself. I put my mum through absolute hell, always putting myself in dangerous situations and disrespecting her rules and boundaries.

 I have this memory of being shown the court box I would sit in if I was to take my childhood abuser to court but my mum denied it all. Said that never happened etc. I may have already talked about this in this thread, but when I went to get the IVO varied with my DV worker I said to her isn’t the police station over there?! And she said no that’s the courts. That is where I had been as a child so I feel like maybe I was shown the court box and I just feel like it’s all going to be too triggering and too overwhelming.

Maybe we can call it echidna slice? 😂 the girls ended up making cupcakes while I rested yesterday so they’ve already eaten half of them 🙄 the 6yo is happy to make her own pizzas, just not nice meals.

we've given up on the weeding although I have a cardboard that is way too big to fit in the recycle bin even folded so I’m thinking about using it to stop firther weeds coming through.. 

I had a rough day yesterday and didn’t get out of the house so we are going to the chocolate factory today and the local market.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I can understand that, your reluctance to face a witness box comeing from something in your childhood. First off memories are not always what we think. I remember being very frighted by a pony, which to me at that stage was huge and bad tempered - and stepped on my ***!!!# foot -that hurt!

Looking back now at an old photo of the pony and I there is a lot different, for a start I can see from our relative sizes I could reach right over it while standing on the ground (plus my foot is now fine:)

I'm sure you did see something that was pretty awful and may have been, or you thought it was a court box. Some cop shops do have similar enclosures for other reasons.

That's not to say you are wrong in judging the possible experience too traumatic - it's your assessment and that's fine.

Yes echidna sounds good, though I think I'd be too sorry for the echidna to eat it:)

When I was a lad in the UK we had hedgehogs in the garden and we used to leave out bread in a saucer of skim milk for them - which they always enjoyed (full cream milk tended ot be in short supply some of the places we lived and too good for the wildlife:)

Croix.