Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Anzee]

Things have taken a turn for the worse. I went and saw the lawyer yesterday and it’s not good news but I don’t know if I’m allowed to talk about it. I just feel so uncomfortable and can’t help but feel like I’ve done something wrong. You are right about everything you said though and that sounds so cute with the hedgehog 😊 I just don’t think things can get much worse right now, but that seems to be when they do get worse so I’m dreading what tomorrow will bring and trying to figure out how to sleep and not blame myself.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

It has taken a while to find you again (I don't know how many times that phrase has been used in this new forum:( however now I have I'll bookmark it.

I don't know what you can say about the lawyer, I'd imagine provided nothing you said could identify you or the others involved, then it's OK to talk in general terms about the things that distress you. You've already mentioned your feelings, and how it is so hard to deal with the whole matter.

Lying awake at night blaming yourself and imagining the worst-case outcomes is very human, and sadly is a reaction many people have ot being treated badly. In my case it's a result of an anxiety condition - brought on by different types of trauma.

To be logical for a moment -yes, I realise logic is not much help - apart from giving your parents a typical teenager hard time you have done nothing wrong and a lot of your unhappiness comes about as you worry about you children's future.

There's no direct way to stop the worry and blame, only indirect means, and one is to get the mind to pay attention to something else.

For a brief moment I suspect the shy little hedgehogs helped, and I'm wondering if you have an incident from  your past you can look back on wiht a smile (sounds hard doesn't it?). I find I try to store up those happy memories when I"m feeling OK for hte times when I'm not.

There is a discussion here on the forum where people go to write or read happy memories, flipping through it you may find something you enjoy or evokes a memory of your own

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here/td-p/265309/page/91

Looking at it will not change facts, it might give you a little relief though.

Please let me know what you think

Croix

[Anzee]

Definitely something I need to sort out when things are ok… Currently I no longer have a lawyer (he had to finish due to personal reasons) and our first court case is in 2 weeks and the only potential replacement we’ve found costs so much even my settlement wouldn’t cover them so I’m definitely not in a place to do logical or rational thi king or planning…

Ive gone back into my bubble and I’m no longer dealing with the world and when someone tries to bring me out of that bubble I push them away… One thing I’m good at lol.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Yes that is a bit of a disaster, my only suggestion is you contact the Women's Legal Services in your state/territory and see what they suggest -either that or the Court Registrar dealing with Family Law matters -though admittedly the Registrar may not be in a position to help, unless it may be for a postponement.

https://www.wlsa.org.au/members/

My apologies if you have been to them already.

So no, rational calm thinking is not somethng I'd be able to do in your position, and trying to forget about it all does seem attractive.

Is your Support Worker nay help?

I'd still suggest trying to get a small break, no matter how bad it seems, and try for something you enjoy -even gardening / weeds.

How are the kids holding up?

Croix

[Anzee]

Yep, I’ve tried them and other services but they can’t help. My support worker is amazing and I just told her I can’t deal with it so I was shutting off so she’s been doing all of the researching and calling around (now that I say that aloud I feel pretty guilty) I just said I wasn’t dealing with it because I wouldn’t be able to cope or function so sue said I had to find someone so she’d do it. 
girls are fine (apart from fighting more than usual) because I try so hard not to let them know (I know they still know there’s something) but they’ve been having play dates, sticker charts, we’ve been doing outings and adventures, even though schooos back. I just try so hard to act normal for them. They had a few friends come for a sleepover Friday night, then a couple stayed for the day Saturday. I did draw the line at another sleepover though as the older ones in particular did not get enough sleep haha.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I hope you don't mind if I say if she was my support worker I'd buy her a box of chocolates (or whatever she prefers) simply as a temporary token that I appreciated her even though I might not be able ot face what might come. She really sounds like gold and even if all her work goes nowhere she can have the knowledge it brought gratitude.

She needs a modicum of support too, like all of us.

I'm not criticizing your decisions, just suggesting what I'd need in similar circumstances.

You certainly are keeping your girls busy and occupied, and done your best to try to shield them. Pity they fight more but I guess they are sensitive to your feelings and the general situation.

What they see at home when you have your "all good" mask on is one thing, what they and others talk about away from home is another. It can end up a mix, where certainty is deminished

I hope that makes sense.

Would you like ot say waht sort of outings and adventures?

BTW, I've Sumo Cat sitting by my left elbow as usual, he's "supervising" and has a magnificent set of whiskers. All in all a very large and dignified gentleman.

If you would like ot know how he got his name try here:

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/store-your-happy-memories-here/m-p/265320/highlight...

Croix

[Anzee]

I had an informal diagnosis yesterday and it hit me hard and made me feel more crazy and incapable of parenting, let alone parenting alone…

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

You did say " it hit me hard and made me feel more crazy and incapable of parenting, let alone parenting alone…"

While it must be extremely upsetting to be told such a thing - it is just words and labels - and that's all. None of your posts have been anything other than sensible.

Diagnosis can sound threatening, disheartening and leave one feeling without hope - like I was told when I was invalided out of my occupation that I'd never work again -ugh!

As it is is the diagnosis is not a formal one anyway.

Besides for every 100 people with the same label there are 100 different lives, an awful lot of whom are most capable.

When you have a chance to reflect you will realise you are parenting alone now, and that is despite being under extreme stress

Your children love you - and you love them.

Your descriptions of them, their activities and moods all point to them being happy and look to you for their  security and comfort. That would not happen if you were incapable!

Have I said enough?

Croix

[Anzee]

So my therapist had done some questionnaires and one was for dissociative identity disorder, which I scored very high on. My therapist isn’t able to make a formal diagnosis as she doesn’t have the qualification but I feel like it’s undeniable. It makes sense. But it has really messed with my head and I now feel like everything I’ve said was a lie. I don’t feel like I can be trusted and I don’t feel like the girls should be with me because I do not feel stable enough for them. I even feel like their dad is a better option than me. I feel like having DID changes everything, including my credibility. I wish we didn’t do the testing but I also wish we did it earlier because I just feel like it’s too much for me to carry on top of everything else right now.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I'm no doctor and probably have no business in criticizing your therapist however I'm afraid she may be doing more harm than good. There is simply too much faith placed in some quarters just in questionnaires, which are at best only an indication. It does take qualifications plus experience in the specific field to recognize and deal with specific conditions - particularly if they share symptoms and even causes similar to other conditions

As you say your therapist is not qualified. It may be that seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in this conditon (and is qualified) may be able to let you see things with a true sense of proportion.

Look, even if that diagnosis happened to be accurate - so what? All conditions are a matter of degree and everything you have said since joining the forum has made sense and given a pretty clear picture of the sort of loving person you are.

True you are highly anxious over the actions your ex might take, and of court appearances. However that is more than understandable. If you end up unsure about some events in your past that can come about for a huge variety of reasons. My memory for a while was very poor, but the reason miss-diagnosed.

I was told by an expert I had "mental degradation" , an "anxiety condition" and that I would never work again.  Both statements caused me great mental anguish and left me without hope and a life in ruins.

Both were wrong, my mental faculties were at the time in fact affected by PTSD and are now fine and I've reached a recovery point where I function well,  and love, am loved,  and lead a happy capable life.

So please do not take this unqualified suggestion and let it influence your regard for your self and confidence in what you can do - as I said before you are already being a single mum and succeeding!

Have you asked your girls if they think their dad would be a better option?

Croix