Stuck

[Anzee]

Hi, my two daughters and I have left their dad a few times now, but this time around I felt like I really didn’t have much choice to leave as I was being threatened by services if I didn’t leave. We spent 4 months in 8 different crisis properties and refuge spread out across the state. We experienced some awful things during that time, including further abuse somewhere we were meant to feel safest. Anyways a court ruled it wasn’t sustainable for us to continue moving around, so we got the house back and their dad had to leave. But he just continues to find ways to control where and how we live without even having contact with us. He made it so he owns everything we have and we can’t escape him. We have been homeless on more than one occasion so I’m too scared to even just cut our losses with the house and walk away with nothing because I can’t go back to having nowhere to live and living out of suitcases, always on the move. But even with a full no contact IVO he still has that control over us and I feel like I’m just going to end up going back to him because it’s more predictable than being controlled by a far. I have no idea what his next plans are to sabotage us and he’s always two steps ahead, so I am in constant fear waiting for the next thing he’s going to throw us. He has moved on (likely only a couple of weeks after we left, whilst telling me how much he loved us and wanted us back etc etc) and I have been talking to someone new recently but I’m so scared that if he found out we’d all be in danger. So I feel like he just continues on with his life, no responsibility for the kids (which is a good thing and what’s safest) he sees who and does what he wants but at the same time still holds so much power and control over me/ us. I want to be able to move forward but as well as being so scared he won’t be able to accept that, I just don’t feel like I can risk that homelessness. Both main times we left I have applied for rental after rental and in different areas and have been turned down by every one. I just feel like I’m so trapped under his control still while he’s out there free to live his life. All of the support workers including the police have suggested because of the severity, I should make criminal charges against him but I still defended him and his behaviour to every one I’ve worked with because I do still love him and he is the father of my children but he just continues to screw me over any chance he gets, but I know I’m stuck with him.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

If you could find a way for the following to come true it might help more than you think. No, I realise you are not in the right space to do this yourself, do you think you might manage just that idea (not going ot court but informing him properly wiht as much of your physical evidence as you are prepared to part wiht) by someone else?

"my lawyer doesn’t know any of this so maybe I need to ask someone to
explain that to him, and explain how afraid I am of going to court and
facing him."

Please don't think I'm trying to push you into it or anything else, the reason I mention it at all is because of your quote above. These are your decisions, and they are based on your realistic assessment of your capabilities, sadly not what you might wish.

If you think I"m talking about anything that distresses you more please let me know, that's the last thing I'd want to do

Croix

[Anzee]

Hey Croix,

I did ask my DV worker to call me last Thursday (she works Monday- Thursday) but she never did so I’m hoping to hear from her today and I am going to ask if she can do all of this. Give the lawyer the evidence she has, and explain to him the fear and trauma responses I have like she did to the police officer who then did things for me to ensure I didn’t have to give more evidence or go to court because he understood how traumatising that would be for me. So hopefully she can do the same with this lawyer 🤞🏼

[Anzee]

My DV worker said there’s not really anything we can do to avoid it, unless we can come to an agreement/ settlement out of court. But she agreed with all the lies he has told in his application that can easily be proven that that’s very unlikely to happen. She thinks he is probably doing this to me to overwhelm and scare me into just giving him what he wants because he knows I won’t be strong enough to face him in court. She did say there is a chance that if we give the lawyer enough evidence I might not have to actually be there. But there’s only a chance of that happening, she doesn’t know much about the court system.

I just want this to be over… I really don’t feel like I can do this..

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I think I can get an idea of how much it must cost to do that, I think you are not only sensible but brave. It took me very many years to open up frankly about details of the past.

I'm sure it will pay dividends. Maybe in in formal proceedings now or later, but also in your regard for yourself. I feel an accomplishment looking back to when I revealed what had happened - even thogh my circumstances were different ot yours..

I hope you support worker is cooperative and willing. From what you have said before I'd be surprised if she was not.

Hoping for the best

Croix

[Anzee]

I just can’t do it anymore… I can’t keep fighting him… I know this won’t end until I give up/ in. He has nothing else to lose. I feel like I have everything to lose.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Anzee,
 
We can see that you have been receiving great support and advice from our community members and just wanted to remind you Beyond Blue is here for you if you need someone to talk to. We can hear the frustration and stress you are facing through your post and hope that you can acknowledge that you have displayed great courage and strength facing this dilemma and seeking the best outcome for you and your daughters.
 
We are so sorry to hear that you feel you cannot do this anymore and feel the urge to just give your ex what he wants, but we encourage you to keep persisting and engaging with services such as your lawyer, DV and DCP supports to have your concerns heard and taken into consideration.
 
We hope you remember we’re here for you 24/7, so if you feel you need to talk through how you are feeling or honestly do just need a chat, please contact Beyond Blue either via phone 1300 22 4636 or web chat: http://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/get-immediate-support
 
If at any point those negative thoughts of wanting to give up become overwhelming and you believe you may be at risk, or you no longer feel safe we urge you to contact emergency services on 000.
 
Please remember you’re not alone though this journey, the community is here to support you through this difficult experience and Beyond Blue counsellors are just a phone call away, should you need them.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M
 

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Look, I've said you are the one to make the decisions -it's fine. Whatever you decide will be based on your thoughts of what you can and can't do, nobody could expect more .

The only think I can say about myself -not you -is that for me things did happen in waves, with times when I saw no hope at all and was in despair, and other times when there was a little hope - even if only a very little speck of it.

I was lucky, I had somebody to see that speck with me when I did, and to just sit with me when times were at their worst

So if I may I'll just sit with you.

Croix

[Anzee]

I wish I had someone to just sit with me 😞

I saw my therapist yesterday and tried really hard to get her to accept that I was giving up and letting him win (I did say the only thing stopping me is that we’d be homeless again if I gave into his demands) but I felt like my therapist wasn’t really engaging in my talk of giving up. Again, I know she just wants the best for us, but I almost feel like I need permission to give up?! I need someone to tell me that’s ok, I did my best but I guess I also need them to reassure me the girls will be safe and no one can do that.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Well, I'm here, and I'm sure others are too, even if they do not say much. After all many have been mistreated and not longer feel able to fight. It is a most miserable and even fearful time for you, maybe even conmpany by remote text might lighten things a little.

I guess it might be helpful if you psychologist took the time to really go into your feelings about giving up and the reasons why. That way she might understand whay is driving you that way. Actually it might even assist you to understand the matter more too. Does not sound a pleasant process 😞

While I"m sitting here I'm a bit glad there are couple of things you are taking into account, being homeless and losing the kids - sorry if I"m being a bit blunt, but I'm a friend, not just a "yes" person.

I'm sure it drives you in two directions, the horror of being disbelieved and having you word cross-examined on the one hand, and those losses on the other.

First you can only do what you can - I've said it before and it's true. Sadly that can bring you to feel less of yourself -which is totally undeserved. You are the one that has been injured.

Secondly you do not know what will happen, there are times things work out better than you anticipate. All I can suggest to encourage that is you do do what you can , and if you can bring yourself to do it use someone else to give material to the CP and your lawyer

Please do not think I'm pushing you to do this, in fact it may seem unfair to even mention it, however I do so with no expectations at all.

My concern is only you, and for you to feel you have done all you can (which you may well have already).

Croix

[Anzee]

She tries, but I’ve been so shut down lately, and when I’m like this I sit back in my denial bubble so that I can try and convince people everything was fine, there wasn’t a problem with him etc just trying to make them give me that permission I need to let the kids go back with him. I know deep down it probably wouldn’t work even if they did agree he was innocent because I’d know deep down it was a lie but I guess I need someone else to blame if something doesn’t happen also. I don’t know, I just feel like I’m getting further and further away from my healing and from being connected to myself and others. I’ve just been having these urges every day to beg my friend to abandon me. Tell me I’m worthless and everything’s my fault. I just want her to reject me so badly and I’ve been telling myself my workers are the same and they don’t want to work with me anymore so keep trying to come up with a plan to get them to admit it so I can push away. I just feel so disconnected and out of control, I hate it. My therapist was trying to bring up positives, distractions, coping tools but all I wanted to talk about was the fact I can’t face court and I wanted an answer, a solution! I didn’t want to talk about anything else. I just wanted her to tell me it was best for all of us for him to see them again. I just feel like my head is going to explode with frustration. I found more proof of his lies today and I just can’t understand why he’s doing this, so far I have found found proof for almost every single thing he has written in his application/ statement, that he has signed under oath and it has been stamped and approved. I just don’t understand why you would blatantly lie when you know the truth is on the system and can be so easily brought up to show that. I just want it to end, I want it to be over and I want it to be civil. I just wish he’d see what this is doing to the girls. I try so hard not to let them see how much is going on and how much I’m struggling but they always know when there’s something, and I know they worry for me as much as I don’t want them too. They can feel the tension and the fear.