Struggling to cope after multiple traumas and child loss

[Tearainy]

I'm not even sure where to start. The I've survived so many traumas yet now.... I'm at breaking point. I survived childhood physical abuse, a 2 year relationship where I experienced emotional, mental and physical abuse as well as repeated sexual assaults which resulted in my 2 daughter's. I reached a point where I was so low I tried to kill myself, and that was how I escaped my ex. Yet I didn't really escape... I had to fight like hell to keep custody of my daughters while my ex kept dragging my name through the mud. A few years after I got out of that "relationship" Imet my husband. We had a son born with 1/2 a heart. I survived 6 months in hospital watching him go through multiple surgeries and procedures. Seeing him die and be brought back more times than I can count, then the terror of bringing him home where there was no nurses and doctors on hand..... Watching him get sick over and over again and rushing him to hospital fearing the worst every time.... While dealing with that our 2nd son was stillborn. My eldest daughter was diagnosed with autism and needed lots of therapy, my son needed therapy...I suffered through 5 miscarriages and when I was pregnant again our first born 3 year old ended up back in hospital and dieing in front of me.

I kept going despite wanting to crawl into his casket with him. I had to think about my baby on the way. But now almost a year after my son's death.... I'm not sure how long I can keep pushing through and pretending I'm alright. I've endured so much stress and grief continuously over the last 8 years that I'm always in a heightened state of anxiety. I get panic attacks daily, I can't sleep because every time I do I relive the moment when my 2nd son was stillborn or the day my first sons life support was switched off and I felt his life leave his body. Food tastes like ash in my mouth.I jump at every noise. I can't let other people watch my kids anymore because I always freak out thinking of all the bad things that can happen to them. Every time my daughter has behaviour issues at school and I get called, I feel like I'm failing as a mum.... Because I can't seem to help her do better. And secretly I want to just crawl into bed and give up. Every single problem even the small ones seem like too much to handle. At this point I don't know how I can clime back out of the darkness. I love my kids too much to end my life I can't put them through that pain. But I don't want to keep going either.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Tearainy,

We're incredibly sorry to hear what you've been through, and the trauma that you've experienced throughout your difficult journey. You've shown a lot of courage in being so open and honest here, and we hope that you find these forums to be a safe space to express whatever thoughts and feelings are on your mind. We can hear the love that you have for your family, and the pain that you're feeling in trying to cope the best you can with these overwhelming thoughts. Please know that you don't have to go through this alone, and our wonderful community are here to help offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need through this. We are also currently reaching out to you privately to check in and offer some extra support.

We think you are so strong to have been through so much and make the important step in reaching out here. Can we ask if you currently or have previously had any mental health support? We understand how difficult it can be to keep these feelings bottled up inside, and we'd urge you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or also through  Webchat 1pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some support but also provide you with advice and referrals for further support in more ongoing way if this is something you might be interested in. Our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also always here for you, 24/7, night or day to talk things through whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with. We'd urge you not to give up hope, as things really can improve with the right support.

Many of our members will understand and may be able to help and offer their thoughtful support and advice. We hope that you can find some comfort in feeling less alone through this, and please know that we're all here for you.
 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tearainy,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for deciding to join us.

While it might be a given, I wanted to start by saying how sorry I am that you've had to go through this- it truly is one trauma after another and you haven't deserved any of it. To read the way that you have kept on going through all of this highlights your own strength and resilience, because you've had to keep fighting and fighting. I also have no doubt in my mind that you are actually a good mum, because you care deeply. You also battled custody issues which is no easy feat- and while I don't use words like tough and strong much, this is exactly what I see when I read what you've gone through.

Can I ask what sort of support that you have around you? Of course you can't pretend you are alright- nobody would be. I wonder if you've thought about seeing a therapist or even what family/partner/friends are like for you.

Sophie_M listed the Beyond Blue support line so maybe you've given them a call, but if you haven't ,feel free to let us know how we can be here for you and support you. I believe that you can get through this.

rt