Struggling to accept this life

[Lilly18]

Hi all,

How do you accept life and its challenges after losing your fiance?

It's been 1.5years since his accident and was only 28years old, now it' just me and 3 little kids.

I self medicated with alcohol to the point I'd sometimes cry taking the first sip but continue to have 20 more, put me in a very dark place. I managed to detox of alcohol and am almost 8months sober. Since quitting the drink I turned to exercise excessivly and barley eat a meal a day, lost 30kg in 3months, im 57kg and still think I'm fat. Getting help from psychologist with that.

I just cant handle doing this all on my own. The chaos with the kids. My self esteem is in the dirt after our relationship turned abusive and now hes gone. Most the time i dont know how I feel. I was angry at him for so long for getting himself in the situation that ended his life, and guilty for being angry. Relieved I don't have to put up with alot of crap anymore but then guilt for feeling that. Im angry that my young kids dont have a dad anymore, and really struggle to do the dad things. They should be going fishing, bike rides, surfing with their dad. But now they sit at home and fight.

I'm on antidepressants, the first 9 weeks were fine but then it felt like something snapped and I have no tolerance for anything, switched to a new one it might need more time to work. I wish I had the patience and love to read them a book before bed but I don't, im fed up and just want them to get to sleep.

Do i just accept this is my life now? Its not a good one

[quirkywords]

LIlly,

Welcome to the forum. This is a caring and supportive community. THank you for sharing you story.

i am sorry about your fiancé and you have a lot on your plate with 3 young children to bring up.

You managed to change your behaviour and become sober, well done. that proves you can change and things don't have to remain the same.

Bringing up 3 children is difficult even with 2 people but on your own it poses challenges.

Have you spoken to a counsellor. ?

You are trying hard with your children as giving up aclochol is very hard and you managed it.

I wonder if there is anything you like to do that you can do with your children, walking, picnics, swimming. You can borrow books from the library and look at them together.

Just a few suggestions. I remember being exhausted and worrying I was not doing things other mums were doing. I found out later that most mums feel that are not doing their best and feel guilty.

Thanks for your story and feel free to post when you like.

Quirkyi

[Lilly18]

Thanks quirky,

Not sure what I was getting at, but really hating life and had to get it out.

I now have this intolerance for any stress, I dont know how to explain it. Im so angry all the time.

So that holds me back from doing things with the kids I suppose as all i do is lose it. Normal people arent Iike that. Cant go swimming, 3yr old takes off and the other 2 also go in opposite directions it's a nightmare. I will try a picnic 🙂