Struggling alone

[Eagle Ray]

TW: kind of depressing.

Hello, just really struggling today. Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel extremely isolated with the dissociative disorder I have which is about the most stigmatised mental health condition out there. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it. I was trying to connect with a trauma-informed doctor in the city and had a telehealth appointment with him this morning. I’ve seen him twice in person previously and it seemed promising, but he advised today it’s better if I see a doctor in my region. But I’ve spent the 4 years I’ve been here trying to find a trauma informed doctor without success. I’ve travelled in a 100km radius from my town to see multiple doctors but it hasn’t been a good experience so far. I don’t feel safe with the doctors in my town. I’ve got limited sessions left with my psychologist covered by the mental health care plan rebate that reduces the cost. I feel trapped and lost.

Everyday I struggle with debilitating dissociation and confusion. I mask so well no one would know. To say I feel isolated is a massive understatement. I feel I am in a void. I try so hard to stay positive but my whole life has been an extreme struggle. I did “positive” for so many years. I am easily triggered daily even by seemingly small things due to complex trauma that started at birth for me. I have never truly known “safe”. I don’t know what that means. Trust is extremely difficult. I am always waiting for the next unpredictable form of harm to happen due to multiple kinds of past abuse. While I know I have made progress, on days like today I am spent and have lost energy to keep trying. My life can feel hollow and pointless at these times, even though at other times I find meaning.

The most important things to me in life have been connection and meaning, yet I feel I have been starved of connection and that is where meaning comes from for me. I don’t belong in my town but have no idea where my future home will be. I don’t have a family as such now. I can go days without any human interaction. I’ve lost my work identity due to multiple physical and mental health conditions leaving me on a disability pension. I’m afraid so much of the time about future survival. I have no one to share my life with and I’m so lonely.

[randomxx]

Morng er.

Well, whatever works for you or anyone else , to me isn't weird if it's what works for you. And it doesn't matter if it is anyway, as long as it helps.

The gf ex thing, ahh, it's as damaging tbh as much as it is helpful , not really my way still being in contact tbh. 

lt has been a huge help with my situation though and hers too bc of our history bc as mixed up as she can be with just her own life and head in general and ideas, MH,  that come and go like the weather daily, on another front though, say with mine or things outside of her own world and head, she's a very grounded straight thinker and shooter, and also highly intelligent.

Plus she also gets me and my situation intimately where as there's not really anyone else that does right now soooo, it's catch 22.

l've been in a very weird and tricky place atm that she knows very well so, it's been very handy in one way- where as hers is more just her typical constant spinning that never stop, l know that,  so on other fronts and in also the ex side of us, it's just no good, not for me anyway.

And any goods with her still come at a high price emotionally as you'd expect wth an ex too. And then if either of you start meeting new people, it gets even weirder.

But still being in touch also means still dealing with her daily roller coaster mentally too which is 50x mine and that's just too much seens l'm not even her bf any more, the next one can deal with that l've done more than enough she's as draining as all hell and usually to absolutely no avail Soooo, l've been dropping out of it just in this last few wks actually bc if we aren't getting back together then better we both go our own way from here l've decided for my own MH. lt's time we move on.

On your front , man, tbh,  others here have far far more experience than l, in the sort of things your dealing with and l really hope some of it can help you along some eh.

Hope your doing ok.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

What you describe with your ex gf sounds like a familiar complex trauma presentation. Often people with complex trauma have extreme struggles themselves internally, but are very able to be there for others, and think in logical and intelligent ways in relation to managing many external things. This is the resilience of a trauma survival response that is usually embedded from early conditioning. Usually such a person has had little to no help to survive in the world, so they learned they had to develop sharp thinking, intelligence etc to survive. That was certainly the case for me. I was an adult from the age of 5, but the internal child in me was never parented and suffered significant abuse. That internal child still needs the love and support that never happened, and that is something I am working on in my own life with my therapist and the networks and connections I'm reaching out to. I've just joined a group for one of my mental health conditions who have been just so welcoming and supportive and where I don't have to mask, because everyone gets it. It sounds to me your ex gf needs similar support from people who have been through similar experiences to her.

So to look at things from a compassionate perspective, I would say your ex gf has demonstrated a lot of resilience and compassion that she has stayed present with you and been the sounding board she has been, thinking of ideas to support you and help you go forward. She's done all that when she has had so much she is dealing with in her inner world. That takes courage for her to keep connecting. But if it is too much for you to deal with her mental health struggles and you don't want to be holding space for that, then yes you need to move on.

[randomxx]

Afternoon er.

Thanks for the thoughts too but actually l didn't go into that to make your thread about me so sorry about that. More thinking of it as an example for you in whether or not we keep ex's in our lives l guess, or somem like that.

But yeah and thx for the info. She's been through a lot couldn't even begin but l was by her side through the worst of it and there 24/7. Anything l have going on is childplay compared believe me and she's said many times she couldn't have done it without but us still talking still helps her more than l could know too and l know it does but as l said too. lt's been far far more about her than any of my stuff and for me it's just getting unhealthy of late though from an ex perspective, 7yrs of her stuff, big stuff, time to move on.

That's her new whomever's job from here.

Hope you've been doing ok .

rx