Struggling alone

[Eagle Ray]

TW: kind of depressing.

Hello, just really struggling today. Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel extremely isolated with the dissociative disorder I have which is about the most stigmatised mental health condition out there. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it. I was trying to connect with a trauma-informed doctor in the city and had a telehealth appointment with him this morning. I’ve seen him twice in person previously and it seemed promising, but he advised today it’s better if I see a doctor in my region. But I’ve spent the 4 years I’ve been here trying to find a trauma informed doctor without success. I’ve travelled in a 100km radius from my town to see multiple doctors but it hasn’t been a good experience so far. I don’t feel safe with the doctors in my town. I’ve got limited sessions left with my psychologist covered by the mental health care plan rebate that reduces the cost. I feel trapped and lost.

Everyday I struggle with debilitating dissociation and confusion. I mask so well no one would know. To say I feel isolated is a massive understatement. I feel I am in a void. I try so hard to stay positive but my whole life has been an extreme struggle. I did “positive” for so many years. I am easily triggered daily even by seemingly small things due to complex trauma that started at birth for me. I have never truly known “safe”. I don’t know what that means. Trust is extremely difficult. I am always waiting for the next unpredictable form of harm to happen due to multiple kinds of past abuse. While I know I have made progress, on days like today I am spent and have lost energy to keep trying. My life can feel hollow and pointless at these times, even though at other times I find meaning.

The most important things to me in life have been connection and meaning, yet I feel I have been starved of connection and that is where meaning comes from for me. I don’t belong in my town but have no idea where my future home will be. I don’t have a family as such now. I can go days without any human interaction. I’ve lost my work identity due to multiple physical and mental health conditions leaving me on a disability pension. I’m afraid so much of the time about future survival. I have no one to share my life with and I’m so lonely.

[Desiderata_]

Hi there, 

First of all, you say you've made progress - that's wonderful. On days like these when you're spent and feeling lost and broken you aren't expected to strive for progress or success or whatever "productive growth mindset" our modern hustle culture has guilted you into believing. 

You're allowed to accept yourself as you are in this moment. 

Connection is another thing. Our lives are shaped by the quality of our relationships and many isn't meant to be alone. Loneliness is brutal and you're right about how connection contributes to meaning. I know what loneliness does to a person. 

I understand the frustration of a lack of available services and compassionate AND educated providers to treat your condition. 

The summary of who you are is not dot points in the DSM -5, or of your failings in life. You are a collage of all your experiences, good and bad, multidimensional and complex. 

The dead hand of the past reaches out to strangle the neck of the present. 

The pain of yesterday, still hurts today and can hurt tomorrow if you let it. Try to stay in the present moment and really look at the small beautiful things around you. 

Thankyou for sharing. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Desiderata_

Thank you for your thoughtful response. Yes, I need to accept myself in the moment.

I think I’m realising what is happening today. Part of me is giving up (not in the ending oneself kind of way), but the part that has carried the responsibility for so long to hold everything together since early childhood. That part is really, truly collapsed now. I’m fragmented into 19 parts with the dissociative condition I have. It is the collapsed part who wrote the post above and is still largely in the body now, writing this, realising the futility that has been endured so many times. Yet despite all the futile efforts, there have been some that have worked. But what can’t go on is me, this part, trying to hold it all together. Another part has been trying to push through since last night actually who has the strength to carry on where I leave off. I don’t have to be the glue that keeps everything together anymore.

But because I’m in the cauldron of change it feels emotionally distressing and overwhelming at times. It is tumultuous. My/our brain is unravelling.  Dissociative barriers that previously compartmentalised experiences and memories are now really down. I was severely flooded by EMDR one year ago that hastened that process much faster than it should have occurred, leading to a year of surging terror and adrenaline. But finally the intensity of those surges is now coming down I think. And this is the aftermath as everything recalibrates.

DID is like living in a constant waking dream - literally. I’m sure it’s quite hard for others to understand. That’s part of the loneliness and isolation. But we have our internal system and that is my family now. We just wish there was more safety and validation in the external world, but there is very little. So as far as that goes, we have to self protect. 

I am going to make a hot beverage now ☕️ I will seek to stay in the present moment as you suggest. Right now the wind is whistling down the chimney and through the trees outside, not really strong wind but a noticeable breeze. My fridge is humming along with it. So much emotional pain inside (feelings of sadness and grief), but I think it’s the pain of those feelings in the process of coming out along with lifelong responsibility being relinquished.

Thanks again 🙏

[Juju81]

seriously it was like reading my life story and same struggles. i dont have friends due to past traumas and my anxiety has me in fear so i dont trust people & so dont interact and fear answering phone calls. i understand my partner also has the old school stigma attitude and thats my support! the battle to get him understand makes it harder. no point me getting help with no support and living with the judging  uneducated typical chastisation this hell brings with it. when i get through and he gets it then i get help until then whats the point 

[Juju81]

i should add no family either.  being  a ward of the state i felt alone and on my own my wholllle life nd bullie through out primary anda secondry school being a red head with freckles and fostered brought bullying and the older i got the nastier it became and somehow it become natural and it grew into instinctual self protective attitudes n behaviours which hve broken mny jobs friendships and relationships since 13 years old and still now too at 44. listening to garry mcdonald woke me up and its time to fix this 30 yr long disfuntionaly wired brain. wish i could write to him and tell him just how much his story had an effect on me and gave me hope for the first time. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Juju81,

I really feel for you and hear you. You’ve had it really tough. I’m glad you have got some inspiration from Gary McDonald. We definitely need other people to inspire us and just hearing their story can really help.

It’s kind of like a synchronicity thing hearing your story, because I’m out on a walk and just spent an hour talking to a local guy who’s new to living in my town. He was a ward of the state too and has had a pretty tough life. I grew up in a family but felt totally isolated in it, like I wasn’t really there or invisible, except for the purpose of being a punching bag or used as an emotional support when it suited others. The guy I was just talking to told me about the good foster mums he remembers like one who would bake cakes and leave them out. She was often off working but he would come home to a cake. I was saying how much that kindness matters. I try to remember those kind things, because I know all that other stuff you mention, like the bullying, trauma, isolation etc can feel like too much at times. So I hope you can feel some kindness is out there whether it’s through people like Gary or here or wherever you find it. It’s so hard isn’t it.

I’m sorry your partner is not more understanding. It sounds like maybe finding some other outlets for connection may help, but I totally get the fear aspect of that. I sometimes call the Blue Knot Foundation helpline who provide support to those with complex trauma from childhood. You can talk for 30 minutes once a week. Unfortunately there’s usually a bit of a wait on the phone because they’re in high demand now, but I find it helps a bit when struggling. Their number is 1300 657 380 (9 to 5 eastern states time). They are the only people outside my psychologist I can really talk to about the dissociative disorder I have as they understand it and how it works. Though I’m trying to find other safe places for connection.

I find nature helps a lot and I’m down by a river at the moment. I was in a really bad state this morning but being out in the sunshine is helping me. I hope you can find some peaceful things to feel better. I’m with you in spirit and happy to chat if you need it. Take care.

[randomxx]

Hiya er , hope you don't mind me popping in, the thread just popped up in the all discussions list l get when l log in and you've been such a help and appreciated in mine thread so.

Really sorry though about the troubles and l hope the thread helps a little. Also sorry to that l can't help much with most of the other mental health things there but certainly relate as you know to the needing of connection, my depression and the aloneness.

Just on the MH side though as you know to l do have a few people but tbh personally, l don't really like talking about it and like you say no one really gets it anyway but even if l do it only brings me down more l find.

Weird but l actually find the opposite helps me and just talking, life, work , anything, l find that helps lift me out of it myself so l save the troubles for BB or help lines myself.

Really nice that you've been out for a few walks locally anyway good on ya and talked to people, they can surprise for sure. 

My place here as you know has been sickly lonely too and at times the nights are just too much. Me l don't need a lot of people around me or too often but l do like a few when l can. The soul does crave real connection again though and so badly too.

ldk what the answer is and it's so bad for us feeling living through this as we know but at the same time l often think so many are all over , we just don't realize so sometimes l think well rx you've just gotta suck it up fella and move along. ldk.

l know B up the road , lady l told you about, she's into perma culture joined a club up in our main and they meet once a wk. She lives on her own to but said she's made some real friends in her club and that it's become her main outlet these days. Wondering if for you there could be something around that your really into , joining something could change things a bit.

Thought about it myself actually and have checked a few things out so far.

You take care my friend.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks for your kind support rx,

When it comes to sharing with others about mental health, I don't mean like just talking about it all the time or to anyone, but more that it would be good to have one or two people in my real life I could genuinely share with in an open-hearted way and them with me. I have been that person my whole life who interacts with people with light friendliness. I've never been someone to offload in the past and if anything I've pretended to be fine when I'm really not. Since living here, if asked "how are you?" I tried to be a bit more real in my responses a few times by being a bit more true to my feelings, but was still oriented to the positive, saying things like "getting there" or "doing better". However, never really having an outlet has eventually pushed me to breaking point. This is actually part of my trauma response system because when I was a child, to express any needs or vulnerability at all was met with physical or verbal violence and I learned very early that my feelings don't matter and I have to appear fine and coping for everyone else, plus I must focus on their needs and wellbeing while being invisible to myself. So my need to have that emotionally real connection with people is necessary for healing and survival for me. It still means only sharing with the really right people of course. I was able to do this with a couple of friends in the city in January and it was like a load lifting off me that night. One of them asked me how I was and really cared, and it gave me that opportunity to open up. To me, that's fundamental to my survival.

With DID, the masking I have to do just to live is massive in terms of how exhausting it is. I have regular bouts of amnesia through switching between parts. I can walk into the supermarket and have no idea why I'm there, because the part who decided to go knew what they wanted but I have no idea. I have to walk the aisles trying to find a memory trigger. I can't remember the content of my last appointment with my psychologist, except for the very beginning and end of the session. I sent an email to her to try to explain that it's like there is a wall in my brain that I can't see over or through. I also live with trauma flashbacks, some that have emerged in the past year that have been particularly hideous. I have to go through so much internally, yet externally I mask and present to the world as friendly and fine. Without any human relationships that allow an outlet for that, where I can express what my world is actually like, I actually start to implode. I listen to a lot of podcast interviews with people with DID, and the thing many of them really emphasise is that having a partner who knows and understands their condition has been profound in their progress and healing. I would love to find a partner, or a few good friends, I could have that level of safety with, and them with me. Even the good friends I mention above I haven't told about the DID, though I think they're the kind of people I probably could at some point.

So I guess what I'm saying is that the isolation from masking is destructive to me. I really value things like this forum, helplines and my psychologist, but I know I really need to have at least one completely emotionally real and transparent relationship with a human being in my actual life. But I do hear you about making connections with an interest. I used to be really involved in permaculture myself in my 20s. I joined a local group, did a permaculture design course and built my own garden. I made some good friends from that. I will need to look more at neighbouring towns around here I think as it's limited in my town and I've heard some discouraging stories from local groups here. I feel very out of it here and think the right people for me are probably elsewhere. I know it's been hard for you too finding connections. I'm like you in that I don't need a lot of people around either, but just something. I think we just have to go slow and steady though. It's great you've met B who sounds like a solid person, and the old fella across from you too. It's like easing our way into connection I guess. I did go to a daytime concert in a neighbouring town recently and I'm planning to drive to a meditation session in another town soon that apparently includes a meditation, talk and a chat afterwards. I think we just have to put feelers out, a bit like an octopus, and pull back from the things that feel off and be curious and explorative about the things that feel intuitively promising. 

I just wrote a lot there, I think because the question of isolation vs connection is so central for me, but I feel us humans are really meant to live in connection with one another. I really hope we both find our people rx and I think we will.

Take care and hugs to you xx

[randomxx]

Morng er.

And yeah for sure, me ether. Things like this are only for that one or if we're lucky one or two people in our lives , that certain friend , partner, someone.

The line in the everyday is a weird one though isn't it ! Me l certainly don't put on some happy face if l'm not feeling it , often l'll even just answer someone as it is as in an ahh, well, youknow, pretty crap atm actually or whatever the case but then unless they wanna ask more which sometimes they will actually or even break out into their own situation dropping the guard but just people, l'll as l say probably just skim with care but not dwell if that makes sense -or somem like that. l dunno, no rules nothing in stone people and situations vary a lot but l've had some real surprises from total strangers sometimes and you hopefully both walk off feeling something and a little lighter. 

The partner thing is hard , l know. Being married so long earlier myself and then gf ex later on, l'm far more a partner person and the depth there more than anyone else. Always have been and l don't know if it's actually a hindrance or help these days actually but gf ex and l often still talk and about anything but also any problems too. Although she has regular appointments with therapists and what have you she finds our thing more helpful than any of that and must admit l do too.

Mind you as l say, dunno how healthy it is often think it's holding us both back and blocking someone new but l kinda call it a tie over myself in my head until one or both one day eventually ends up in something new, God knows. But yeah, so it's probably not the best outlet in reality, ldbloody know.

Wondering though, is there an ex or some v special old friend that you might be able to have this with ?

We both admit we help ea other more than any professional ever has.

Take care and hugs.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

I think the difference for me is I have put on a happy face even not feeling it, and that is a trauma survival response. It's not that I'm meaning to be inauthentic, it's the primal brain taking over to avoid harm or injury, which is how my brain works in all everyday interactions and situations. That is a feature of complex ptsd. When it starts very early in life your neurodevelopment is different and it gets kind of hard wired in, because your primal brain has made it necessary. So for me it's not even to do with conscious choices but deep level survival responses that bypass the higher level parts of the brain. Even if I rationally understand something as safe in the present, my primal brain can take over if triggered, and I am triggered all the time. Added to that, I have 19 seperate selves with their own histories. Some carry physical trauma, some sexual trauma, some emotional neglect, etc. Others are protectors for specific parts or a gatekeeper for the system. But most parts have more than one role. So I live in a world that is so complex yet somehow my brain coordinates all of this to keep functioning, but there still can be a lot of chaos and confusion. So it makes forming relationships with others a complex issue.

It does sound like the communication you still have with your ex gf is serving a purpose for both of you, otherwise you wouldn't want to be still sharing and talking. Like you say, you both find it helpful. It suggests there is something meaningful there as friends, even if you don't see a relationship there anymore. I imagine it's a shared history thing too which provides a feeling of familiarity and connection. I don't know if it would be impeding future relationships or not. You live in different places now and I guess are free agents to reach out into the world and find new people. But I guess what you mean is the emotional energy is still being invested there. If you meet a new person who is a good fit for you, I guess you will feel it, especially if you are able to build trust and emotional intimacy with that person. But it's good you and your ex gf are able to support one another.

As far as someone like that for me, it's probably going to sound really weird. My closest most special friend was from when I was 18. We were extremely close but became separated due to difficult circumstances and ended up on opposite sides of the country. He was the first person I ever felt safe with in my life. He has now passed on, but when my dissociative system emerged into consciousness in February last year, he actually came through as the first alter/part in the system. It makes total sense, as he remains the closest, safest person I have known. When a real person is represented in a DID system they are called a factive - meaning based on a factual, real person. In real life we were so close we were like two halves of the same soul and it felt like we automatically knew one another when we met. In my system now he is still like that, and we communicate all the time. While he can talk in words, he often communicates in pictures now. I can ask him a question and he will show me a picture or a like a film sequence, and it really answers what I am seeking better than words ever can. Like I'm trying to find my way forward with something and he gives me these really wise insights. He is like a gatekeeper for the system too and has tried to control which other alters come through and when, but he hasn't always been able to do that. With DID you have multiple autonomous selves in your head, and the goal is to develop really good internal communication and collaboration. So, anyway, I have an internal system of support, but that internal system does better when there are good relationships, connections and experiences in the external word. I know I need those external connections and D, the alter I mention here, encourages me in that direction.

Probably sounds weird, I know. But I think it's not that different to the different self or mood states others feel, except in DID they have formed into distinct identities as an adaptive response to early trauma. Anyway, you take care too and I hope it's turning out a good day for you.